If you identify with any of the following traits:
– You hate Instagram and don’t even know why you have one but every time you try to delete it your right eye begins to twitch.
– You successfully delete Instagram but then re-download it at least once a week.
– You are physically unable to stand in a line without checking Instagram.
– You haven’t watched a movie in at least two years without opening the Instagram app.
– You keep yourself awake two hours past your bedtime — at least — because of Instagram.
– You are frequently late because you were looking at Instagram.
– You cannot imagine a world without an Instagram.
– You are thinking, “Yeesh lady, calm down, it’s just a photo-sharing social app.”
Then it’s high time to unfollow the below accounts. It’s for your own good, compadres. I promise.
The Meme Account That You Never Thought Was Funny
You followed this meme account a long time ago because a friend once tagged you under a photo that made you laugh, and you were like, “Hey, I like to laugh!” But you quickly realized that all this account does is post the same exact memes as other accounts, and you suspect it might be run by a ten-year-old (the account owner always writes captions about math homework), and you get really embarrassed when you actually like a photo — both because it’s a meme account and because the memes are old. You never had the strength to delete it, even still — and by strength I mean you get lazy every time you see yet another meme that annoys you but it’s easier to scroll past. But this is your year. It’s a new you. Lift that finger and click unfollow.
That Person Who Was on a Group Trip With You Two Years Ago
I know that you and Pam had a pretty good time together at your cousin’s bachelorette, enough so that when your cousin tagged the group picture, you went ahead and followed everyone. But every time Pam posts, which is fairly sporadic, honestly, her username confuses you. You think, “Who the hell is PSlice42_salsasandwich, why is she posting a photo of her blurry feet in front of a fire, and have I been hacked?” Get rid of her. Ten bucks says she literally does not care.
Who IS That? (You legit have no idea.)
Worse than PSlice42_salsasandwich is the person who you truly are boggled by, because this person posts a lot. Just selfies up the wazoo. Gym photos that make you uncomfortable because of the veiny zoom shots. Too many confessions in the captions. You have no clue who this person is or why you follow him. …So why do you follow him?? It was probably a late-night slip of the finger while you were half unconsciously deep-dive creeping. Bye!
With the new algorithm that takes everything out of order and fucks up your scrolling process as it is, anyone who clogs your feed on the regular and causes you to miss important posts from accounts like Oprah and Gayle Forever or The Kangaroo Sanctuary has GOT TO GO.
The Celebrity You Followed to be Ironic Last Year
Once the pleasure of irony wears off, there’s no point. Delete the Z-list reality star who you followed as a joke in order to make room for this year’s new, confusing — and earnest-yet-ironic — obsession of yours.
The Account Someone Else Told You to Follow
I know the awkward tension that comes from someone leaning over your shoulder while practically telepathically typing their favorite account’s name into your search bar because they want everyone they know to follow said account, too. There’s a lot of pressure. It grows each time they tag you or send a post straight into your DMs. It’s worse than lying about a book someone loaned you (“Omg it’s great, savoring each page! That’s why I’m going slow…) or pretending to like a friend’s very terrible outfit, because your deceit will have a receipt the moment you unfollow. So don’t like! Just be straight up, rid yourself of this social burden and tell the friend who recommended that you’re playing Marie Kondo with your Insta-feed. So be it.
The Reality Star Who Broke Up With Your Favorite Cast Member
You only followed him because you loved her so much, and sometimes he posted photos of her, which was a real treat because she never posted enough, plus you loved any sneak peek into their lifestyle or taste in decor. But they’re broken up, and you following him can’t fix that, and he’s just making you mad by posting photos of his new lover. Get him out of here! He does not need your help in supporting his follower number.
The Smoothie Account That Was Making You Feel Inadequate
If it has been two years and three days since you followed this account and not once have you made one of the convoluted recipes that involve fruits from exotic locales and potentially illegal berries; if you never bought the glass jars with the kind of tin lids that have holes meant for straws; if you never bought straws; if you are still starving after smoothies and don’t understand how they fill anyone up; and if all of this makes you feel in some way lesser-than, get rid of the account. Yes, it’s pretty and refreshing-looking. But so is a glass of water.
That “No Rest Days” Fitspiration Account
Gaze upon glazed, professional abs all you want, but the moment they make you start looking at own belly like it just said something bad about your mom, get rid of it. Fitspiration is meant to inspire, not deflate.
That Person Who Never Followed You Back
I know you want to take it personally, but don’t take it personally. If their world doesn’t seem to crumble without your social media presence in it, then listen, they don’t know what they’re missing! But I promise that you won’t miss them, either. This two-way street has wide lanes, my friend. Go swimming in them.
The Animal You Used to Love But Has Gotten a Little Annoying
Repeat after me: You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog. You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog.
No matter what it’s owner AKA your friend who last lost touch with reality justtt a tad says.
You are not a bad person for unfollowing a dog.
Every single one of us follows The Worst, whatever that may mean. (It varies person to person.) You know this person is your The Worst because he or she makes you roll your eyes so hard they catch in their sockets. He/she reminds you that just when things are looking up, this kind of human being exists in your feed. You can’t control The Worst’s online whereabouts, posting frequency, content, tone or messaging. But you can click that big juicy unfollow button. Oh, and it’s such a satisfying feeling. One press down, a euphoric release up and you, my friend, are free.
As for people TO follow, how about these five women who are letting us track their resolutions progress?