God bless the end of Mercury retrograde, amiright folks? It’s coming, I promise. In other news! There’s a big shift happening w/r/t star stuff this season, with Saturn moving into Aquarius on the 21st, which has all of the signs considering some big changes. We got a full moon in hyper-focused Virgo, and the start of fiery Aries on the 19th.
With all of this commotion, I wanted to get really personal with each of you. But how best to do it? Should I make house calls? No, this isn’t 1999 and we’ve all seen Catfish. Should I individually comment on all of your latest Instagram selfies? Idk, is there a word limit for those? I need to stretch out, I am verbose. So after much consideration, I’ve decided to write all of you letters, the most intimate form of communication borrowed from a bygone era before we were all brainwashed cyborgs. So please, enjoy these personal letters, and ignore the fact that they are here on the internet and therefore the points I made about their material intimacy are moot.
Dear Birthday Fish,
It is time to friggin party. Honestly that’s really the biggest takeaway from the stars this month for you, but my editors didn’t want me to make your horoscope an emoji poem consisting mostly of fireworks and tongue emojis. So I guess we’ll do this the old-fashioned way. Let’s start with Venus, the planet that rules designer handbags and doin’ it, which meets up with wildcard Uranus on the 8th in Taurus. This is an excellent time to reconnect with some people that might have fallen off during retrograde.
When the full moon in Virgo arrives on the 9th, you will be called to confront some of those issues that led to maybe losing some friends or lovers. If the conversation doesn’t go too well, fear not sunfish, Jupiter is going to swoop in with some good luck around the areas of connection in your life. This influence will help you find the courage to give it another go, and hopefully things will proceed more smoothly the second time around. As I learned recently from Amber’s mom on Love is Blind, anything worth having is worth fighting for, but also, you shouldn’t have to fight for it all the time. So if your second attempt doesn’t go over well, it might be time to say goodbye.
Aries season begins on the 19th, which will encourage you to be tenacious with money matters. The very next day, Mars and Jupiter get together and no, this is not just my dream alternate plotline for sapphic reinterpretations of Sailor Moon, it is also a celestial union that will bring the requisite energy into the social aspects of your chart to make some breakthroughs and join groups or invigorate orgs that you are already a part of. Jupiter, that saucy wench, hooks up with Venus on the 28th and offers you an opportune moment to be bold, to state your needs, and to get those needs met. I haven’t gotten the invite to your party yet, but I’m sure it just got lost in the mail. I’ll see you there!
Bonjour Mes Petits Moutons,
It’s Pisces season, my most cherished fire-ram, and I have recently downloaded the French version of Duolingo, can you tell? The watery Piscean energy that rules the celestial airwaves right now offers you some respite from the general inflammation of your humors that you’ve had going on recently. Pisces energy deals with the unseen, the subconscious, the internal. For you, this signals an invitation from the stars to get a little dreamier, to go a little soft around the spiritual middle. You will definitely want to get yourself a fresh journal and start filling that bad boy up because your intuition is going to be on fire this month, especially around the 8th.
When Mercury ends its retrograde on the 9th, you can take all that intuitive insight and start clearing up any miscommunication that has seemed frustratingly immovable. On the 19th, it’s your time to shine as the sun returns to Aries and your birthday festivities start to manifest. Mars, the planet ruling war and conflict, and Pluto, the planet that rules destruction, meet up on the 23rd, which signals that you are going to need an outlet for some red-hot energy.
Therefore, I would like to suggest that you consider the following theme for your birthday: a spatchcocked chicken cook-off. Hear me out. I just tried this chicken-roasting technique. I literally had to break a chicken’s little chicken spine to lay it flat out on a roasting pan for optimal tender-to-crispy ratio. The amount of force I had to put into this gruesome act was astonishing, and may have turned me back into a vegan. So, you could do that. Or! Perhaps a jello wrestling theme? You could replace the jello with any viscous liquid really— oil, mud, whatever. Bonus! I think that it could be a really good all-over skin treatment. This month the stars would just really love for you to tenderly journey inward, while simultaneously breaking shit and putting people in (consensual) headlocks.
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Salutations Tauri of Earth,
Wow, friend, you have a very fun month in store for you. Pisces’ lofty energy brings you in touch with your idealistic side, and the world needs some idealistic Tauri right now. Your stubborn, grounded nature makes you the exact right one to take up a cause that will require you to dig your heels (hooves? Hoof-heels a la Alexander McQueen?) into the dirt. When the sun and Neptune get together on the 8th, Venus also links up with Uranus. This little foursome right here will spark exciting things for you. This is a powerful day to lay waste to any limiting beliefs and to make a change in your life. Yes, I do mean that you should get bangs. I am always telling people to get bangs and people never listen to me! There is a bang out there for everyone! I also mean that this is a good time to join a spiritual community if you’re into that, or maybe like a spin studio, or even a chill cult. Not, like, an actual, abusive shitty cult. But like, a we-all-wear-the-same-color-and-have-wild-consensual-group-sex kind of cult. The kind of cult that is basically like a boy band, and if you don’t think that N*sync was getting at least a little bit frisky I implore you to re-visit their sensual synchronized live performances. I happen to have one right here that I believe proves my point definitively.
Moving on: Mark the 9th of March is the day you can finally exhale because Mercury is coming out of retrograde. If you’ve been ordering takeout for the last month to avoid “traveling” it might be time to put on some outdoor pants and eat a meal with other humans (unless you’re quarantined!!! In which case, thank you). The biggest day of the month for you is the 21st when Saturn slides into Uranus. This signals the opportunity for you to rise to the occasion and to step into your power. If I were you, I would shine up my loafers and start looking for some wider lapels so that you are ready to signal your dominance when the time comes.
Yr humble servant,
To the Venerable Geminati Around the Globe,
There is a lot going on for you during Pisces season, Gemini! I want to direct your attention first to the full moon in Virgo on the 9th, which (thank the astrological lords) is also the day that Mercury goes direct. This has been a super hazy retrograde for you, it has seemed damn near impossible to figure how to navigate which decisions are ultimately going to be the best for you, especially in terms of your career and your artistic endeavors. The full moon should illuminate all the murky places you’ve been dwelling in. Listen to whatever comes up during this time, because when Mercury returns to Pisces on the 16th, this connection brings a vibrant energy to the part of your chart that rule fame, reputation, and fortune. This signals that you’ll come across some new public-facing opportunities.
March is the month to launch an endeavor that requires you bring all of your creativity and all of your vulnerability to the table. People want to see you, people want to hear your ideas, people want your advice. Basically, even though Pisces is generally thought of as being a dreamy, soft energy, the particular cosmological cocktail in your chart invites you to get real this month. Whatever your most cherished desire is for yourself, you’re going to need to take this month’s astrological reality check to heart and make some fearless moves. Luckily, on March 30th, Mars enters Aquarius and brings you the assertive energy you need to set goals and boundaries, and to make some moves. I would bet my actual pinky toe on your ability to do this. The good pinky toe, or as I like to call her, My Show Toe.
Fare thee as well as I fare,
Addressed Unto My Right Well-Beloved Cancerians,
Oh, you misunderstood star crab. The last few weeks of Mercury retrograde brought all kinds of frustrating miscommunications into your life that may have taken a toll on some of your relationships, especially with those that are physically far away from you. But I believe in your good intentions, Cancer. It reminds me of this conversation I had on a first date with someone who was a militant dog person. And hey, it is fine to be a cat or a dog person and to feel strongly about those identity markers, but this dude was just going off on how cats are aloof and they’re just bad creatures. I realized that this person had never had the love of a cat, and honestly, I get it. Because he sucked. Anyway, my point is that Cancers are like cats in that if they love you, they will curl into your ribs and make your home feel like a home.
Luckily, when Mercury goes direct on the 9th, it coincides with a full moon in detail-oriented Virgo. This is just the kind of astrological energy that the doctor ordered. It may not yet be time to return to the sticky situations that arose during the retrograde, but if you do choose to try again, you have better chances in the light of Virgo’s full moon. When Aries season starts on the 19th, the region of your chart that rules your fame and fortune is fired the hell up. Expect some well-deserved praise or maybe even a shiny award to put on the ol’ trophy case.
Then! When Venus and Neptune meet up on the 22nd it will bring a softness to your intimate relationships. You can look forward to this day as one of reconciliation with a romantic partner that you may have felt a rift with. So as you move through the choppy waters of Mercury’s last days of retrograde, just picture yourself kicked back on the sofa with your chosen person as you toast champagne and admire all your trophies and the like.
In humble devotion,
Greetings Fire Lions Whose Paws Are Both Cute and Deadly,
This is an excellent month to be a Leo, my friend. The Piscean energy is going to be a very healing influence for you. That watery, emotional energy will help you to loosen your grip on many of the heavy emotional burdens that you have been carrying around for far too long. Now, the more challenging aspect of this is that Mercury is still in retrograde until the 9th. Before you get to put down that weight, you might encounter some of that heavy shit rising up to the surface. You just have to persevere through the final days of the retrograde and if you can move through that period with grace, you will come out on the other side with abundant possibilities and celestial blessings.
For example, lucky Jupiter is gonna slide into Capricorn on the 11th, which will bring a fortunate energy to all your endeavors. After conferencing with the various astrological influences, we have decided as a group that you should spend some time around this lucky day sending out that resume that you’ve been revising over and over again. Capricorn is the zodiac’s workhorse, and you have a lot of influences pulling for your success. Seriously Leo, we must insist, because on the 20th, Mars meets Jupiter and all signs point to the start of a new era for you. This could look like a change in careers, this could look like you deciding to finally learn to knit your own sweater sets, this could look like signing up for Season 2 of Love is Blind. And sure, maybe you think that I’m just shoe-horning that show into this conversation so that I can coax you into talking about who we hate the most in the comments. Okay, fine. You got me. Meet me in the comments so we can talk shit about Damien.
Okay last thing! Look out for March 22nd, this will be a day where Mercury gets together with Uranus and it brings the energy for a breakthrough into the relationship sector of your chart. (Which is something that could really have helped Damien. Okay I’m done.)
Smell ya later,
To the Consortium of Most Venerable Virgirinos,
Hi dudes! Welcome to March! Welcome to Pisces season! This is going to be a romantic month for you. You have a whole lot of astrological support for your romantic endeavors when the sun and Neptune meet up on the 8th. This is an invitation to delve deeper into the relationship with yourself and with those closest to you. Then, when the moon is full in your sign the very next day, it will be a double whammy of all the good sweet things! You can expect to have 48 hours of emotional clarity, breakdowns, and breakthroughs.
If you have been feeling a little disconnected from yourself and your intimate partners during the retrograde, this is the time to make a real effort to address that. What the stars and I are prescribing for you during these auspicious times is to call into work, tell your bosses that you have a suspicious fever and you need to work from home for a few days to protect your colleagues from your mucus. Then, have yourself a little sensual stay-cation. If you have someone with who, you would like to have a heart to heart or like, put your mouth on, invite them over and seize this opportunity to transcend the bounds of these lonely skinsuits and reach a spiritual union the likes of which you’ve never known. Yes, I am suggesting a tantric freakum session with yourself and others.
Mark March 21st on your calendar, Virgirino. This is the beginning of a new era for you in the area of health and wellness, not in the once-a-year-massage way, but in the drinking-the-proper-amount-of-water-every-damn-day way. You can thank Saturn’s shift into Aquarius for this. Aquarius is a forward-looking, creative sign and Saturn’s whole thing is hard work and achievement. Take this energy and use it to get seriously creative about how you take care of yourself every day.
Dearest Darling Songbirds of the Celestial Plane,
As a Libra myself, I would like to address you, my dearest Libra-kin, and insist that we just take a moment to have a collective groan about this Mercury retrograde. The good news is that we are almost through the murk. Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, and according to the stars (and my inbox), we have been experiencing all kinds of setbacks and frustrations in our relationships as well as our ability to get our material life organized in the harmonious and delightful way we prefer. Luckily, we have a full moon in Virgo on the 9th and the end of the retrograde. This should get our plans moving in the right direction due to Virgo’s detail-oriented energy. But the stars insist that we must not overburden ourselves with external commitments, because we have a lot of processing to do internally! Full moons bring clarity, they shine light into the dark places in our complex lil souls. A full moon in Virgo will shine light on some deep emotional experiences that Libran folk generally prefer to avoid.
As an air sign whose focus is generally on keeping things smooth and balanced, Libras can sometimes be avoidant and a little duplicitous when it comes to confronting difficult emotional experiences head-on. The stars counsel us to be brave during this period, to work against our urge to make people comfortable and to avoid accountability. When Jupiter links up with Capricorn on the 11th, this an auspicious time to be relentless in seeking out happiness, especially as it relates to our domestic lives. This combo of lucky Jupiter and hardworking Capricorn will provide the kick we need to finally do our laundry instead of just stuffing all our dirty clothes under the bed until we realize that we have no more clean underwear and have to start wearing bikini bottoms to work under our pants like we plan to encounter a topless beach party around every corner.
Rise to the occasion of this month, Libra, and you will be rewarded with a new moon in Aries on the 24th, which should bring you the opportunity for a new beginning in a relationship that seriously needs one.
Dear Scorplings of the Terrestrial Plane,
Hi, it’s me your friendly neighborhood astrologizer! I am writing you this missive to inform you of all the grand plans the stars have laid out for you this month. Although retrograde saw you unable to get some things off your chest, the tides are changing and the forecast is thoroughly romantic. Things really start to ramp up on the 8th when the planet of love meets up with Uranus, the planet of freedom and rebellion, in the sign of Taurus, the sensual star-bull. This is an astrological opportunity to play, to experiment, to practice some figurative trust-falls, and to know that the cosmos are supporting you with that grounded Taurus energy.
The very next day, Mercury ends its retrograde and you will experience the impulse to be open, to unburden your carapace of all the emotional weight you’ve been scuttling around with. When Aries season starts on the 19th, you will get the boost you need to sort out the chaotic bits of your material world. This could mean organizing your planner, donating those bags of clothes that have been in your trunk for months, or cleaning out the freezer. If you do choose the freezer option, I would like to challenge you to describe, in the most lurid detail, what the gnarliest thing you find in there in the comments section. I have not cleared this with the higher-ups on Planet Man Repeller, but the horoscopes are my domain and I am a sucker for some voyeuristic scumlord oversharing.
Anyway! Anyone that crosses you better hold onto their hats come March 23rd because Mars is going to link up with Pluto and you’ll feel the urge to pick a fight. Conflict is often a necessary part of growth, but try not to cut to the quick, because once the clouds part, you may wish you had gone a little easier on that certain someone. The most important takeaways from the stars this month is to 1. honor your boundaries and 2. throw away that Tupperware full of what might have once been ice cream but is now a block of gross freezer burn. I miss you already and always.
May your carapace shine for all eternity,
Dearest Sweetest Sagittarius,
I hope that this letter finds you in excellent health and that your nail beds are miraculously smooth and resistant to the dreary effects that winter can have on our cuticles. This retrograde has brought a lot of chaos to so many of your fellow starchildren, but for many Sagittarians out there, the retrograde has implored you to revisit the events that have led you to this point in your life. Before Mercury goes direct around the 9th, pay special attention to your past. This is a great time to see if your MySpace account still exists, and to scroll all the way to the end of your Facebook wall, if for no other reason than to see how weird we all were at social media back in the day. I mean, we’re still weird with social media, but a deep dive into the oversharing posts of yester-year might lend some perspective about how far you’ve come.
Also on the 9th, a full moon in Virgo shines its laser-focused, precision-loving light on the areas of your chart that rule fame and reputation. So while you’re in the murk of your early social media activities, you might want to go ahead and delete some of the more embarrassing choices before your new career as an influencer takes off and haters try to bring you down with your early hot takes about which brand of hot sauce is best on tacos. As you all know, the internet is ruthless about tacos (and everything else).
On the 22nd, you should probably just sit down all day because the stars suggest that you could very well receive some you-should-be-sitting-down-for-this news thanks to wildcard Uranus linking up with loving Venus and dreamy Neptune. When the new moon in Aries arrives on the 24th, you will be feeling positively flamboyant with passion, so have an inch-long row of devil emojis locked, loaded, and ready to send out to your crush. Remember, there is nothing that tenacity and cuticle butter can’t fix.
To All Capricorns It May Concern,
I bring you good tidings this Pisces season my fishtailed stargoat! Well, I bring you challenging tidings, but tidings that will ultimately work in your favor—starting with the early days of March and Mercury still stubbornly in retrograde. You have a lot of mental energy right now, but the last few days of this retrograde are really scrambling up that genius juice. Try to stay calm and patient when miscommunication strikes. Maybe do some puzzles, or become one of those people who solves the sudoku puzzles in the back of airplane magazines. Luckily, the retrograde ends around the 9th, at the same time that we get a full moon in Virgo. This should help clear away any of the gunk that’s been jamming up your communications, which will come in handy when Jupiter links up with the sun a few days later and makes you feel the kind of I-can-do-anything energy of trying Adderall for the first time in college while doing a juice cleanse (I do not endorse either of these things, and really, you won’t need them with the Jupiter-sun conjunction headed your way).
Saturn, your ruling planet, drinks in the sun’s energy on the 19th, making this day the optimal time to make a big move toward your life’s ambition. The next day is the first day of Aries season, and Mars links up with Jupiter to give your already well-developed sense of hard-work a little extra fire. Caution: If that determination comes with a side of aggro thanks to the influence of warrior-planet Mars, make sure to choose your words carefully to avoid having to clean up an unnecessary mess later. The latter part of the month is all about being responsible with your finances and doing whatever it takes to make your home hospitable and comfortable. You need a soft landing to return to after your long days of securing bags and not taking anyone’s shit. So basically what I’m saying is: Buy some throw pillows and download an app that will tell you to stop sending emails and go to bed.
To All the Luminary Aquarians,
Salutations, you strange and glorious human waterfall! Welcome to Pisces season, an era of mixed feelings, but many hopeful omens for Aquari everywhere. On March 8th, the last day of this pesky Mercury retrograde, the sun will meet dreamy Neptune in the emotionally perspicuous Pisces, helping you to manifest clarity and serenity out of the muddy waters of the past few retrogradin’ weeks. When the full moon in Virgo hits on the 9th, you will feel momentum picking up and that stagnant blah feeling that has been lurking around your solar plexus start to dissipate. This full moon in earth sign Virgo will shine light on your intimate relationships, particularly as they relate to the material world. Are you cohabitating? If so, it might be time to have a conversation about how the other person consistently refuses to squeeze out the dish sponge and therefore rendering said cleaning tool a useless bacteria laden chunk of stink. Are you considering sharing finances? It may be time to speak honestly about that secret credit card you keep to make shame purchases that you would rather not answer for.
When the sun links up with Saturn on March 19th, the stars will encourage you to lean on your support systems a little bit and maybe have one of those good old-fashioned bi-annual Aquarius-needs-to-cry-in-front-of-another-human days. You are the wisest of the air signs, the most intellectual and sometimes perceived as the most detached. You should see this as an opportunity to release some of those pent-up emotions that you might say don’t even exist but, in the humble opinion of the celestial bodies and their self-selected oracle (me), those feelings are definitely there. If that gentle suggestion didn’t convince you, try this on for size: Mars, the planet of confrontation, links up with Pluto, the planet that is all about power and control, on the 23rd. This is the astrological equivalent of a party where everyone’s been playing Everclear-pong and around 2 a.m. someone starts a mosh pit. What I’m telling you here is that if you don’t let some of those feelings out when you have clear headed Saturn and sun holding your hand, you might do something rash by the time Mars gets to the party. You can do it, you strong, emotionally available juggernaut.
Illustration by Olivia Healy.