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August Horoscopes Are as Here as Day

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We will not go anywhere NEAR the following topics in these August horoscopes: the end of summer (it is still very, very far away); your vacation housemate’s bedding; bad planetary news. I do not have time for any of it and neither do you, especially when there are Aperol Spritzes to be consumed and general life to be lived.

Although, before we begin, can we please give a celestial round of applause for our girl Susan Miller and her beautiful new website? Without Astrology Zone, none of this/(nor our future) would be possible. And sorry to all of the hoof-footed signs. Guess it’s hard for you to clap?

Certainly won’t be hard to celebrate…

Leo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEOS!!!! Here’s to you and your Gucci mane of fire that frames your face from forehead to beard like the sun. This month will be a good one for you, something that Susan says hasn’t always been the case (like maybe in elementary school when your birthday fell during summer vacation and no one was around?) but I go to quite a few Leo birthdays these days and beg to differ. Never mind all that — who cares about counting straws when this one’s a direct route to the bubbly. 2016 is the year of YOU.

Speaking of you, if you’ve been thinking about jazzing up the old hair-hat or wardrobe or what have you, do it now. The new moon is amping up your confidence and turning you into the human equivalent of that sparkly gold butterfly crown Snapchat filter. Not the Coachella one.

You know, I wrote Taurus’s horoscope before yours but yours was open and in re-reading yours (say “yours” again) I’m wondering if perhaps I didn’t use some of yours (GOT ‘EM) for the bulls. Either way, not the birthday lion’s problem: travel on the 16th. Oh, you have non-travel plans? Cancel them and get out of here because you’ll probably fall in love and meet your next job opportunity on the plane/train/automobile of choice.

Do be prepared to start thinking of that goddamn certain someone around the 18th. Why do they pop out of the blue and into your brain like TRL songs? Especially when you thought you’d erased them forever? Still, if Oprah believes that you can manifest love then so can I. (And there might be something to it this time.) You can definitely manifest money around the 22nd, so think about green loaves of bread while you’re at it and spread some butter on top. Mmm. Better than icing on a slice of birthday cake.

Virgo

Let’s go into your ‘scope knowing two things: 1) You are still the celestial favorite even though haters will say it’s Leo, and 2) You have Jupiter in your sign until September 9th (he’s been there for a while, protecting you) so make the most of this time, tell him you love him and wrap up any VC funding.

Um, especially around August 16th? Seems like you’re set to appear on Ellen that day and win a big fat check or something because Susan has money raining down on your sign this day. It also happens to be a good time to go get that new iPhone or vacuum or whatever electrical gadget you’ve been dreaming of. (A BLENDER?)

On August 21st, Mercury will hook up with Jupiter which is a big deal because they haven’t hooked up since high school and everyone knows that high school hookups don’t count when introducing new baes to old flames. Their rekindling will protect you (Trojan Man!) and is also likely to set you up for a promotion.

Finally, on August 27th, more money coming your way, plus love, plus Venus will have been all cozied up in bed with you whispering things like, “Buy it. Yes. Buy the bag.” And per Susan, you should.

Libra

Hold your bony finger high over the “erase history” button on every device and account history with a password that you’ve memorized and prepare to cleanse your life without one sip of green juice. “Jupiter is in his final days of spending time in your twelfth house,” writes Susan. “Ancient astrologers pointed to the twelfth house as one of healing and health, and for a time to delete anything in your life that you feel you no longer want or need.” See? She even used the word delete. Select all, please. Now backspace like a motherfucker.

This month will also be a great time for you to start preparing. Prepare for the future, for next week, a project ahead, what have you. Stop procrastinating and check shit off your list because now’s the time. (I mean, it’s never the time because chores and life are always annoying but make like Nike and just do it before you have to cancel plans because you didn’t.)

It’s a good month for you to get surgery (bunion???), get money, get cooking. You’re going to be surrounded by good friends and good food and good people. Also, sidebar: I highly recommend you read this insane story that Susan writes in your ‘scope about this woman who straight up scammed her about the bathroom situation at a restaurant and so Suz opened a door expecting a toilet and went flying down the stairs. It’s wild. Susan has LIVED, both existentially-literally and existentially-figuratively.

The 18th is going to be one of those days where the whole world falls in love with you. Prepare yourself for proposals and declarations of googly eyes. See? I told you to be prepared. As for the rest of August, hang on to Mr. Toad’s wild ride. It’s gonna be a doozy in a good way. And so what if Mercury’s going retrograde on the 30th? (Have I said too much??) Susan straight up told me (us) that come September, which is VERY FAR AWAY, you will be the queen of the signs.

Scorpio

TODAY, YOU ARE A ROOSTER, MADAME SCORPIO. STAND ATOP YOUR ROOF AND CACKLE, “COCKADOODLEDOO.” The sun will rise when you tell it to.

(It’s gonna be a great August for you.)

Career-wise, you’re probably going to become inter-office and inter-industry famous on the 16th when you’re handed an assignment that you knock out of the damn park. Everyone’s gonna be like, “Whoa, girl, are you on steroids?” And you’re just gonna be like, “Nah, son. This is called the planets in action.” It’s also called your brain and your talent and your wits because remember! The planets can only take us so far. True success is all you.

Who am I, Oprah? What am I, drunk?

Clean your apartment on the 18th, enjoy friendship on August 21st and 22nd (Mercury is going to conjunct Jupiter.) (Ugh, I’ve made too many sex jokes so I’m worn out. Just like these two planets will be! Boom! Still got it! Is the moon planetary Viagra or what?) and swim around in a pool of warmth that comes from those who love you. It will be hard to avoid the spots that are warm because of pee since the whole thing will be high temps from fell-foods but, I don’t know. Life is about trade-offs.

Not on the 29th though. That’s just a day for you to step out into the world in a pair of new high heeled shoes. You’ve arrived. Hello. Nice to meet you.

Sagittarius

I’m not going to lie to you, because you’re my friend. As with my high school senior year ethics class, almost every television show ever and any time anyone speaks to me about anything involving numbers, I fell asleep and/or blacked out for the first page of your horoscope (Susan Miller got fancy and turned her website into a wild book or something), but the general gist is that Mercury’s going to go retrograde from August 30th to September 21st. Don’t let that freak you out though, LEANDRA, who for once isn’t reading this over my shoulder while breathing like the guy who loves Helga from Hey Arnold!, because all this means is that you should use the end of August to tie up loose ends and then use that cool patch of September to literally do nothing. I mean, fashion week, yes, but enjoy the slow-mo filter effect and maybe add a protective layer to your iPhone.

Was that all one sentence? I can’t tell. I’ve gone blind.

On August 16th, the planet of butts is in your house of true love whilst hooking up with the sun (careful/please wear SPF). What that means for you is romance and travel. Already traveling? GET THE FUCK OUT AGAIN. BYE. Team C-YA.

Can’t travel? That’s okay! I’m just so sorry I said that. Have a staycation, run a bath, put your out-of-office on. Let’s be more European about life in general.

Speaking of, here’s a carb. If work hasn’t seemed easy even though you were promised it would be, one more promise that the planets promise not to break: pretty soon, it will be.

Especially because, hello, on August 22nd, Mercury is in your prestigious tenth house of achievement! Susan said that! And that day, plus the 21st, plus the 27th are going to feel like three of the best you’ve ever had. Just like Drake once sang years and years before “Summer 2016.”

P.S. It still is.

P.P.S. In the comments, a reader poll: Y/N, Was that ^ just English?

Capricorn

Everyone is going to love or already loves August but you are really going to love it because George Zimmer guarantees it and so does Susan Miler. Saturn’s finally going direct on August 13th, which means that it’s finally going to start helping you and driving you to the airport as a favor instead of napping forever. (Give it a day or two to wake up, however.)

Hope you have Rihanna’s umbrella or at least your roommate’s on the 18th because it’s going to rain down money. Uranus is surprising the moon around this same time — butt to butt! — which means more cash will shit right out.

I AM SERIOUSLY SO SORRY FOR THAT SENTENCE BUT THESE TAKE ME SO LONG THAT THERE IS NO LOOKING BACK I JUST HAVE TO KEEP GOING.

On the 21st and 22nd, thanks to the planets getting into some other weird and fantastic adventures, you’re going to see a real uptick in your career and social life and, I don’t know, probably home decor because Suzy always manages to find a way to slip that in here somehow.

Oh! Can’t let you forget about the 27th — can I? — when Venus and Jupiter conjoin. Sounds like a TLC show. This connection will mean great things for your house of travel, for your love life, and, if you’re the studying type, it lays the ground for you to finally start thinking about getting that I’ve-always-dreamed-of-going-back-to-school-for-X degree.

Aquarius

“This month is for fun and love,” said SUSAN FRICKIN’ MILLER!!! Do you need any more from your horoscope than that?? Your career’s gonna slow down a bit this month which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just very European, and it will kick back up later after you’ve done as she’s instructed and had A) fun, B) love. Let’s look at the days that are best!

August 1st was great — Uranus and Venus were flirting. Obviously.

On August 2nd, the new moon in Leo brightened your partnership house, so maybe you DTR’d? Or at least now the window is slowly opening and thus allowing you to say, “Hey, let’s have the talk. With our mouths.

On the 16th, Uranus is “exchanging golden beams with the sun” and since all of the planets are about that platonic free love, this is more than fine — this is great. It means that a partner in love or business (or BOOOOOTH) “will make you very happy.” I mean. Are innuendos not the greatest thing to come from the human language?

Let’s keep this momentum going: on the 18th — and again, this is basically me direct quoting Suz — your DEEPEST FANTASY WILL COME TO FRUITION. She used the words “deepest” and “fruition” and I changed “desire” to “fantasy” because I don’t think Ludacris gets enough airtime anymore.

P.S. Did you know that his real name is Christopher? That makes the Cris in Ludacris way funnier.

Word to the wise: be as productive as you can this month (ugh, yes, I know it’s August), but Mercury’s going retrograde in August and I don’t want you to be fucked. BUT! There’s more good love stuff coming your way August 21st, 22nd, not to mention the end of the month ending all sparkly, so you know. You know.

Omg, get me out of here!

Pisces

Hope you’ve got a Shamwow at home because you’ve got a lot of slug juice to wipe up from your seemingly-lagging career. Mars is back in town from the 5th to August 27th and it is lighting a fire under all that has seemed stagnant at work. Get ready — but you probably are. You’ve been waiting to roll your sleeves up and not just because you TBT-watch Jenna Lyons showing us how it’s done. (You’ll be able to breathe once it’s outta town on the 28th, in case I just freaked you out.)

Susan essentially jumps from August 2nd to the 16th in nearly everyone’s ‘scopes this month, and you were no exception. (The 2nd has obviously passed unless you have a time machine and are a little disoriented right now, but if you’re curious she mostly said you should work out.)

August 16th will show further proof that your career is a sky rocket to the candy store of delights, and on August 21st-22nd, Mercury will conjunct Jupiter (always use condoms!), which, not to be vague, means a good day all around.

The 27th is a ~*dazzler day*~ (Susan’s words, I just added the sparkle) which means luck in love, romance (not always the same thing, okay) and money, money, money.

MONAY.

Aries

EVERYONE IS HAVING THE BEST AUGUST EVER AND YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION!!! But for you, sweet pea, it is really about L-O-V-E. That bow-chick-ow-wow. That “Let’s get it onnn — ahhhhhh, baby, let’s get it on.” That Elephant Medley. That “It wasn’t over, it STILL isn’t over.” You know? Thank Mars. It’s essentially funneling pulp-free oysters into your veins like an IV of aphrodisiac juice.

But you have to activate it by socializing. Get out, say yes, be present, don’t say no to parties and invitations just because you’re tired, on a diet or it’s your natural inclination. And travel. Travel, travel, travel! Also, here’s this sentence: “If you do work that brings you in contact with people overseas, or import or export of goods or information, you will be in your element in August and September, happy as a puppy in clover.” <- Have you thanked your Susan Miller today?

I know I said this particular ‘scope of yours was about love, but the 16th is extra romantic. It’s gonna be like a Ricky Martin music video co-starring Jennifer Lopez and the entire late ’90s baby-making music movement. I am sober right now!

The 18th? Also a good day for love. The 22nd? Great day for your career (as is the 27th). It’s also a great day for a medical procedure…where you’ll probably win the lottery and fall in love with your nurse/doctor and/or caretaker. Or all three. Who am I to judge when I spent a season of my own life watching The Bachelorette?

Taurus 

I’m a big breath-holder, you guys. If I ever say, “I won’t hold hold my breath, PAL!,” you should know that I am lying. I will hold it. I hold my breath when someone else on TV has to hold his or hers; on the subway when I get on the empty car, naively, without considering why it’s empty; past graveyards; when I want to inhale something but am not ready yet because everything needs to be perfect first.

But today I exhaled. Susan Miller finally said that August 2016 is our wonder month, and it’s like, dude. Thank you. I have been waiting to blossom.

Blossoming, for Susan, means getting our apartments together, buying electronic items (around the 16th), traveling (also around the 16th so you probably forgot your charger), finding the perfect roommate, zzz, k, I know. It also means that on the 18th our careers will unfurl like the temporarily clamped-shut bouquet of flowers my dad once shipped to my grandma which prompted her to call him to say, “Thanks for the flowers; they’re dead,” and then, a few hours later, “No, they’re not! They’re alive…and huge!”

It may also have something to do with our two Five-Star Days. These are two days that are going to be excellent — not an expensive brand of notebooks. On August 21st and 22nd (I think — this part was very confusing so I blacked out midway through) Mercury will conjoin Jupiter and our love lives will have a party in the sky.

Our creativity will be activated, too, which is something we all know is beneficial when it comes to love (making) (etc.). And oh we’re getting rich! So, my job here is done.

Gemini

Gemini, what the heck were you even worrying about?? This month is all about you. Put your pointer finger up high in the air like an erect peenickel and say it with me: “We’re number one!”

The month’s opener looked like it was a good one for you, what with Uranus twerking on the moon (which always brings on a surprise — but the good kind). And while the time was prime around Tuesday, August 2nd, it’s not too late to ride the good vibes wave through straight-into-work mode. Now you can finally hire that person you’ve been dreaming of in a non-sexual manner, finally get shit done or, at the very least, start planting seeds of effort. One of them is bound to sprout up at some point, right?

Your third house is lit, by the way. Good time to travel. Can you try to go somewhere warm?

Susan doesn’t want you doing any decision-making on the 24th. Maybe that sounds like a nightmare to you and you’re mad because I promised no bad days in these horoscopes — and I still mean it. But behold: don’t go out the 24th, stay in. Susan is mostly worried about you going off and doing something rogue. That’s basically how I always feel around Leandra. (Have you seen our shirt-to-skirt video where she little brothers me, by the way?)

Anyway! Enjoy your horoscope, dudes. And as for those final days of August, be open to love. It’s looking for you. And there is a bell on its little collar.

Cancer

“August will be a peach of a month,” writes Susan Miller in the cutest horoscope sentence ever. “Sweet and juicy with opportunity in almost every corner you look.” Venus was in your workday sector this whole week so hopefully you had any financial talks that were on your to-do list. If not, meh. Things work out! Peach month, peach month, peach month. Your mantra.

Ah, and then look at that: On the 16th Uranus is “signaling” Leo in your house of earned income which means yet another day for the hard money talks and some kind of celestial foreplay, apparently. You’ll get what you want. Everyone will! And then, on the 18th, money’s going to pour out like water from a Brita Filter.

Because September’s going to be crazy, Sus advises that you take your weekends to heart. Shut the cell phone off and do zero errands. Just live your best summer life.

(Sidebar that I told to Team Libra: read your full sign on Astrology Zone for this crazy cautionary tale Susan tells about going to the bathroom without checking that she wasn’t walking to a black abyss first!! But anyway, be careful on August 24th because apparently this could happen to you and I know I said NO BAD NEWS but wouldn’t a broken bone be worse? Friendly heads up.)

Travel the weekend of the 20th (but the 22nd is best day so maybe play hookie — it’s a Monday). Know when else is a good time to travel? The 27th: circle it on your calendar for love, friendship and parties. Then text me. I’m in the mood for an August marg.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarch Leo zodiac sticker while they’re hot!

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Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

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