Okay, before I even start, let me just say I don’t trust anybody on this show except Copper, Rachel’s dog, who spends a good amount of time in the second episode hobbling around like Tiny Tim. Everyone else is suspect. Most suspect of all: these producers who decided to clown us with a dramatic reveal and then a cliffhanger! There isn’t even a final rose ceremony; just a bunch of drunk dudes in suits wandering around mumbling about Whabooms. This is not what I signed up for. I’m not here for this. I’m here for the right reasons.
At the beginning of episode two, Chris says, “I hope everyone is here for the right reasons.” But don’t worry if you didn’t catch it; literally every contestant will repeat the phrase multiple times through the two-hour show. It’s said so much it takes on a sort of existential quality. Why are any of us here? Are we here for the right reasons? What are the right reasons? What is here? What is right?
(Pardon me. This bottle of Prosecco has a lot of questions.)
Group Date #1
The first group date is a “husband material” relay race. Whaboom (real name Lucas) is somehow chosen to be part of the group, which is odd because I definitely had money on him dying in a revolving-door accident by this point.
A lot of the guys are starting to turn on Whaboom, led by Blake. In a confessional, he says, “I know the real Lucas. Lucas is garbage.” Honey, I screamed. “The one person who can ruin this for him is me.” Blake is here for the right reasons and those reasons are being some sort of reality TV Javert. Please God let him throw a leg at some point.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are the celeb guests at the relay race. They say that The Bachelor/ette is their guilty pleasure. I don’t think they have anything to promote so maybe they’re actually, genuinely here for the right reasons. They seem so happy, but perhaps it’s just because they have a toddler and any time you get to leave the house and put on clothes that don’t have vomit stains is cause for rejoicing.
They make a joke about the right guy for Rachel having health insurance and a job. They ask the guys, “Who here has health insurance?” No shade, but it’s too soon for all of that.
The guys have to a do a husband-material obstacle course, including changing a dirty diaper on a doll, unclogging a couple of drains, setting a table and other things that humans have to do, apparently.
Hilariously, they pixelate the poop in the diaper even though 1) I am sure it’s not actual poop and 2) Who is the person writing a letter to ABC complaining about the sight of chocolate pudding mixed with Grey Poupon or whatever?
Whaboom ends up winning after giving Kenny the Heisman at the finish line. This does not sit well with Reality TV Javert, who dramatically monologues about ending Whaboom and then mic drops his baby. HONEY! This kween is not here to play! Blake reveals that he met Whaboom in a “previous encounter,” which I initially presumed either meant some sort of cult situation or another reality TV show. Instead, he reveals to Rachel that he lives with Lucas’ ex-girlfriend.
Rachel doesn’t seem too interested in this tea from Javert. Rachel is that person who you think you can gossip with but then you realize midway through that she’s judging you. I have difficulty with that person.
In the one-on-ones, Dean is a breath of fresh air and a mouth full of teeth after a night full of lame convos and Whaboom drama. Rachel mentions his statement from the first night about wanting to go black. She says, “I don’t care what anyone says but I loved it.” So, first of all, I feel very attacked right now. Then she gives Dean the First Group Date rose! Rachel and I are in a fight, actually.
While all of this is happening, Whaboom and Blake start bickering. Whaboom is literally babbling which is super annoying until Blake tells him he doesn’t have a leg to stand on and Whaboom replies, “The only leg I have to stand on is my two legs.” I immediately order that on a T-shirt because that’s going down in the reality TV malapropism hall of fame.
Speaking of legs, SOMEONE THROW ONE, PLEASE?
Peter gets the first solo date. But, surprise surprise, she’s got a ride-along. No, it’s not Ice Cube. It’s Copper!!
I’m obsessed with the dog resort they go to! WHAT EVEN IS THIS? All of these dogs are riding pool floats and posing in a doggie photo booth and wearing costumes like it’s a canine Bar Mitzvah (Bark Mitzvah?) and honestly why isn’t this whole show about two people hanging out with frolicking, eccentric dogs?
Later, Peter and Rachel go out to dinner and Copper gets this amazing sparkling sapphire cast and it’s so fetch (get it?).
Rachel is totes smitten with Peter. Shante you stay, Peter.
Group Date #2
The dudes are playing basketball and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shows up. He is literally the tallest person I’ve ever seen.
Kareem tells them that even though half of them are terrible at basketball, they are going to play a game against each other in front of a full crowd that is, I must admit, feigning enthusiasm really well. Better them than me. I’m so bored by this group date. Bring back babbling Whaboom. Or, better yet, make Dean and Peter have a smiling contest.
At halftime the score is 17-14. In BASKETBALL. At the end, the producers, those sadists, actually make Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hand these men a trophy for a 30-point victory.
DeMario rallies in the second half and Rachel is falling for him. BUT WAIT! A woman named Lexie shows up and says that DeMario is actually her boyfriend and he ghosted her when he got cast on the show. I’m not sure if this is a game or not, but I know for sure her eyebrows did not come to play.
DeMario gets called out of the locker room and this man is sure he’s getting that rose when (wha)boom, here’s Lexie. His face. Is. Tight.
Lexie launches into a tirade. Hilariously, Lexie seems to think that this moment is about her. Lexie is talking over DeMario, she’s talking over Rachel, she speaking directly into the camera! You are no longer watching The Bachelorette. You are watching Lexie: I’m Not Here For It: A Lexie Mystery: Part of the Lexie Chronicles.
Rachel’s Juris Doctorate comes out with a vengeance; she interrogates DeMario like a special guest star on Law & Order and then tells him to get out. Lexie is living for it. I am SURE they had to cut half an hour of footage of Lexie talking to everyone who would listen and giving herself a rose.
At the after-party for the group date, Diggy says that they need to distract her from the DeMario situation and then they all proceed to bring up DeMario on every single one of their one-on-ones, except Will who reads her an Emerson poem and Alex, who sings a Russian folk song. Alex admits that his singing skills are terrible, so one wonders why he’s subjecting this woman to torture. But then I remember that subjecting another person to the worst aspects of your personality is what many straight guys think dating is.
During the cocktail party, DeMario “randomly” shows up at the gate and asks to speak to Rachel. There’s a dude in a security jacket and Paulie from the crew blocking the way and it’s almost as if all of this hasn’t been carefully and strategically pre-arranged. Chris Harrison gives a Meryl-worthy performance of breaking the news to Rachel who also does a wonderful job acting shocked and then immediately changing her mind because she’s “curious.”
And with that they smash to a “To Be Continued.” Are they here for the right reasons? Will DeMario return for the right reasons? Are any of us actually here at all?
Let’s deliberate in the comments!