We return to the wilderness, where Kenny confronts Lee about the van story Lee told Rachel and Lee immediately denies saying it! What is this?! We are one minute in and I’m already shook. Kenny lets forth a stream of righteous expletives that goes on for so long I’d started to enjoy the sound of beeping. Let’s just have that from now on. Kenny’s blurred mouth and a high-pitched beep and no more gaslighting cowboys with high hair.
Rachel returns. She clearly hates this. She says, “Today has been really informative,” which is a nice euphemism for, “Today has been a waste of my time.” She tells Lee that she doesn’t trust him and has to send him home. Finally. Lee tries to get in one last deception and it’s just pathetic. He’s pathetic.
For some reason, Rachel is loaded into the helicopter and then Kenny decides that he has to go say goodbye to Lee. I suppose this is what the producers want for dramatic reasons but honestly, they could have kept it. Rachel’s annoyed, I’m annoyed. Lee is still sitting by a river drinking whiskey and whistling Dixie. So, that’s a thing that we all endured.
“I’m so annoyed by this.” – Rachel 😳🚁#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/RicgFBsRX1
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 28, 2017
Rachel and Kenny reunite for a one-on-one dinner. She wants to know why he felt the need to go back to Lee. “Why did you leave me to go back to him,” she says (which is also the name of a great Tyler Perry movie, I’m sure.)
Later, Kenny has another Facetime session with his daughter in which he starts to cry. They are adorable. “You deserve to be happy,” she says. And now we’re all crying.
Rose Ceremony
First of all, the ceremony is at Losby Gods Manor and that is actually the most extra name and I’m obsessed. Second of all, Rachel is dressed in an iridescent, sequined rose gold gown and she looks like an actual goddess. OBSESSED.
Got Roses: Dean! Eric, Peter! Alex, Bryan, Kenny, Will, Adam, Matt
Should Have Gotten A Rose: Anthony
Also Sent Home: Josiah
Josiah is shocked by this development. His monologue is so arrogant and so grandiose, I doubt anyone else is as shocked as Josiah is.
Denmark!
We begin our trip to Denmark with a small commercial for the MarienLynst hotel which looks lovely but has some suspect wall hangings. TripAdvisor gives it a 3.5 so the jury is still out.
One-on-One: Eric
Eric and Rachel get on a boat that has a table in the middle of it which is so chic! I mean, I guess a lot of boats have tables. But this is like a rowboat with a table. It doesn’t take much to impress me.
“Life is beautiful!” – Eric #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/6UwhtfBZ5E
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 28, 2017
They have a lovely casual conversation whilst drinking champagne. Eric says it feels effortless and effortless it seems. They have such different energies but I have to say, I’m sort of into them. After the boat, they end up in one of those streetside hot tubs heated by a coal oven or something, you know the type. It’s a whole thing. They end their date at an amusement park and I have to admit there is nothing more romantic than carnival games and whack-a-mole in my book. I’m totally serious. Most of this comes from the pivotal scene in Becky Albertalli’s Simon Vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda, which I read, like, once a week. Anyway, every time I see a carnival, I swoon.
At dinner, Eric says that he never received love from his mother and he never understood why. So when he feels what’s he’s feeling for Rachel and what he is getting from her, it’s disorienting. “But in a good way,” Rachel clarifies. I’m so sold on Eric.
Group Date
Rachel takes all the guys, sans Eric and Will, on a Viking ship! They actually have to row it. This is the point when I would have sent myself home. I didn’t audition for The Bachelorette to do manual labor, honey! What is this, Survivor?
Back on land we meet Tom and Morton who are Viking fighting instructors and also Simon Pegg and Nick Frost characters.
Alex gives the best summary of Group Dates: “They’re about dressing up and being physical.” Actually that’s the best summary of pretty much the all good things in life.
They play a couple of roughhousing games in a circle. Poor Dean is too pretty and delicate for all of this. Personally this only makes me love him more. But I’m not a Viking.
The Dean of Vikings? 🤔#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/vpgBCwKwcE
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 28, 2017
Frost and Pegg decide that Kenny and Adam have done the best job of… shoving Vikingly and so they get to fight each other with swords and shields. This will clearly end well.
Contrary to what the previews led us to believe, this is how Kenny’s eyebrow got bloodied. Both he and Adam take a shield to the head and end up with cuts on the their faces. Call me old-fashioned, but dating shouldn’t involve calling a medic.
After-Party
Bryan gets the first one-on-one after the Viking Blood-Letting Ceremony. More noisy kissing. Rachel says that he accepts her flaws and all it’s not something she’s had before. She stares meaningfully at the camera like Jack Stone.
Next up is Peter. Peter loves to talk, which is really sweet. But he loves to talk so much that Rachel has to ask him to kiss her.
😘#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/6eEiPIA3RC
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 27, 2017
Kenny, meanwhile, is stressed about incorporating his daughter into this process, realizing that Hometown Visits are on the horizon. He tells Rachel that this has been a really terrible journey for him and he’s not sure that his relationship with Rachel has developed enough. I have so much respect for Kenny’s forthrightness and his ethics. It’s even more shameful that they set him up in opposition to Lee; he’s a good man and he should have gotten the chance to explore a genuine relationship with Rachel. But, it was not to be. Rachel and Kenny make the mutual decision to send him home to his daughter and the millions of people whose hearts he’s won.
Peter gets the group-date rose at the end of the night, so talking beats noisy kissing this time.
One-on-One #2
Rachel and Will walk around Sweden. They meet a Swedish couple that has been married 35 years and have a halting conversation about the secrets to a long-term relationship with them over hot chocolate. This is just a normal thing that happens in Sweden. Everyone is rooting for you in Scandinavia.
Rachel’s sensing a real lack of chemistry with Will. It’s, I guess, worth noting that Will earlier told Eric that he usually dates white women. I suppose that narrative foreshadowed the disconnect that Will and Rachel are feeling. I’m not buying this race plot line any more than I bought the last one, so we’ll just leave it at that.
For whatever reason, Will is either not trying very hard in his dinner with Rachel or he’s just a reserved person. He describes himself as passionate, physically, but Rachel is not getting any of that passion on this date. She can’t give him the rose and sends him home. What an odd chapter this has been.
Rose Ceremony
Rachel stuns, again, in a backless, halter-top-style black gown with a long train.
She struggles to get through her opening remarks before breaking down and leaving the room. When she returns, she confesses that the goodbye she has to say tonight will be the hardest.
Already Had Roses: Peter, Eric
Received Roses: Bryan, Matt, Dean, Adam
The hardest goodbye is bid to Alex. This is a major loss for people who appreciate luscious raven locks and bulging muscles. A moment of silence, please, before we deliberate in the comments.
