Fabulous news! On Monday, iOS 126.96.36.199.5.9 (or something like that) (is that pi) came out with a whole new crop of emojis. And among the big wins—gender non-conforming emojis and able-inclusive emojis—were a series of small wins, too: waffles, a flamingo, a hatchet (?), one oyster. After every emoji update, I find there tends to be a charming handful that go underappreciated (the tooth, the raccoon, the microbe!!!). And since assigning arbitrary meanings to strange emojis is the spice of my life, I’m here to make sure that doesn’t happen again. Below, four sweet, new emojis deserving of the digital limelight:
#1: The MerPerson of My Dreams, Just in Time for Cuffing Season
We’re in the thick of cuffing season but, as a member of the counterculture, I was recently un-cuffed. I’m now looking forward to finding the perfect gender-neutral merperson with whom to pair off for the cold season. Did anyone else watch Splash, Aquamarine, and The Thirteenth Year too much growing up? Or read The Rainbow Fish too many times??? IDK, there’s just something about elegant fish-tailed, soft-skinned creatures that makes me want to take them out to a romantic vegetarian dinner in a fishtank. Is this really just me? Fellow freaks (and that is a compliment, I mean it): Find me in the comments. The merperson emoji means: Hottie McHots.
*just saw beautiful person in the street*
Me, to friend: “Can’t believe I just laid eyes on a [sexy merperson emoji] IRL”
*Heading out to a Friendsgiving bearing brown-sugar glazed yams*
Me, to Mom: “Hope I find my [sexy merperson emoji] tonight over brussels sprouts.”
#2: The Perfect Garlic Bulb
Do you even know how long. I have waited. For a garlic emoji? A long time. And now here it is, in all its bulbous (c)loveliness, just in time for stew/soup/rich-food season: a provocative mauve and creamy white with hints of the perfect fat cloves that lie therein. Sweet Dolly Parton, is there anything better than garlic?? Almost 10 times out of 10 when people smell something delicious and say “Is that a grilled cheese?” it is not; it is either sautéed garlic or onion. (I can’t get started on the onion emoji, but check back for my debut novel). The garlic emoji means: anything that is delicious.
Mom: “Are you meal-prepping today?”
Me: [Garlic emoji]
Mom: *Texts back six more questions and reacts with the heart to my previous four texts.*
Friend: Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?
Me: [Garlic emoji]
Friend: Thanks for your input.
#3: The Trio of Unseasonal Swimwear Emojis
IDK what the emoji-sphere was thinking coming out with a trio of hot-to-trot swimwear emojis after the salad days of summer. Perhaps they were catering to the entire other hemisphere that is transitioning into warmer weather but…the cruelty! Needling us northern hemisphereans with memories of warm, sun-soaked days, replaced for the next seven months by slush? Did I really need a reminder that I didn’t go in on those mid-November tickets to Costa Rica with my ex? In any case, the suits have arrived and I plan to find a medley of inappropriate times to use all of them. The swimwear emojis mean: Who. Even. Knows.
Sext: Oh yeah? What are you wearing
Me: [swim trunks emoji]
My roommate: We should paint the cabinets this weekend!
5 hours later
Me: [speedo emoji]
My dentist: Appointment reminder: You have an appointment with Ensure Dental on Friday, November 7th.
Me: Cool [one piece emoji]
#4: The Sloth Emoji
The first time I saw this guy I had to zoom in on his face because nothing is better than zooming in on an emoji.
I’m really pleased I did, because I realized this sloth emoji is one judgmental little shit. I fully believe that this is the animal equivalent of the slightly smiling emoji. Just TRY to tell me you don’t see the disdain in his Mona Lisa smile. You bet I’m going to use this emoji exactly where it needs to be used… The sloth emoji means: I’m listening, but I don’t appreciate hearing this right now.
Roommate: Hey! Do you mind taking out the trash and running the dishwasher?
Me: [Sloth emoji]
Mom: I know you haven’t sent off that gift yet for your cousin. You have to send that off today.
Me: Yes, I’m on it
Mom: I mean it, you can’t put that off anymore.
Me: [Sloth emoji]
Mom: *Loves sloth emoji*
In addition to the above, I encourage using the safety vest exclusively when talking about “Safety Dance.” I encourage using the golf cart to express “I’ve gone off the rails.” The stick of butter? Only when you’re talking about @harlingross, sorry.
Are you married to any emoji in particular? Me and the squid are betrothed, but obviously in an open relationship. Let me know yours below.
Graphic by Dasha Faires. Images via emojipedia.org.