The world is over. What can you do to comfort yourself, given our current state of affairs? Go to church or temple or the mosque? But the ceremonies are so long and the incense bothers your eczema. Pretend to be dead and lay on the floor? That’s an okay solution, but eventually you have to eat. Write a Facebook post? Give me a break! Seriously, give me one break.
There is only one thing you can do when the world is over. You have to see a psychic. You have to find out how you are going to die. You have to see into the future and get some measure of control over your destiny. You have to commune with the other side. What is it like over there? Is it cold?
In search of truth and comfort, I went to readings with three psychics. I wanted to see which destiny I liked best!
I am a lucky woman, insofar that I live in a premier city for psychics: New York City. New York, if I put on my Carrie Bradshaw hat on for a moment, is a city where everyone wants answers and is trying to date a furniture designer.
Fahrusha is a very famous psychic (she read Trump’s little palm) and is highly recommended, so when I go to her lovely apartment in Alphabet City (which has really high ceilings and beautiful paint colors), I feel confident I’m in good hands. And Fahrusha does not disappoint!
Fahrusha employs several techniques to read your future. She reads palms and she also reads pictures. After reading my palm, she decided that I was going to have a son named Julian. I agree. I also supplied her with pictures of several deceased relatives. She took one look at my grandfather and grandmother (who are both dead) and said that my grandfather had an affair on my grandmother. My grandfather was the only person I’ve ever met who didn’t believe that President Kennedy had affairs. I don’t know how these things are connected, but I feel as if they are.
Ashley is primarily a tarot reader. When I get to her apartment, we go into her bedroom and I am shown several decks of cards. She asks me to pick a deck, and I select one. She says that she was meditating on me before I got there, and she knew that I was going to pick that particular deck of cards.
Ashely does a tarot reading from the deck of cards I picked (which are super pretty and by far the best deck, so I’m glad I picked them). I ask to be told about the trajectory of my career because in the end, I’m a narcissist. What is going to happen to me? Will I ever turn into John Grisham or will I have to try subsistence farming, which I know I would be bad at?
This query has some anxiety behind it, because Ashley is also a literary agent and told me that one time she had to tell a writer to stop writing. Luckily, she doesn’t tell me explicitly to stop writing, but does say that I am unusually tortured about the process of writing (which seems to be true). She says nothing about any sort of future success, but implies that somehow I will be financially stable. Subsistence farming it is!
E-mail Ashley at [email protected] for a price quote and to schedule an appointment.
Frank has been a psychic for a long time. He was Yoko Ono’s psychic! He knew Andy Warhol! He lives in a beautiful brownstone in Soho that he bought when Soho was gross. He had awesome Halloween decorations up all over his house, including some chattering teeth under a glass case in his bathroom. He is the best.
Frank reads palms with a magnifying glass and does tarot readings. Merely by looking at the back of my hands, he realized I had bronchial problems (I do!). He knew I was born two weeks late, and he said that I wasn’t going to die in a plane crash. (You heard it here first.) This year, I apparently need to save money and not buy Christmas presents for anyone. So if you are reading this family, I’m not going to buy you anything.
Frank’s best prediction was that apparently, late in life, I will write a comic movie with a male comic. He will fall in love with me because we will have so many inside jokes. However, I won’t break up my marriage over it. I was just being friendly and everything got very confusing.
Call Frank at (212) 226 2194 for a price quote and to schedule an appointment.
In conclusion, psychics are awesome! They tell you all the things you really want to know, like the name of your son, and none of things you don’t (the name of your dog). Plus they protect you — none of them would see me while Mercury was in retrograde, for example. The end.
Fun fact: The Frank that Rebecca Harrington refers to is the same Frank from Ask a New Yorker About Their “Only in NY” Stories and Leandra spoke to him on the stoop of the very house Rebecca mentions. Listen to Rebecca Harrington’s Oh Boy episode here.
Photos by Krista Anna Lewis; Creative direction by Emily Zirimis.