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Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds Are the Worst

I hate Blake Lively’s hair. I hate that it looks like the enchanted, roiling waves of linguini that flooded the pages of my favorite childhood book, Strega Nona, and that it’s making me hungry as a result. I hate that when Ryan Reynolds looks at Blake, he wears the expression of pure, unadulterated joy I reserve for when my cat reciprocates my love. I hate their perfect smiles, comprised of perfect teeth, indenting their perfect faces as they laugh, drunk on the mutual affection of a thousand love stories.

I hate how they fell for each other on a double-date, while set up with different people. I hate that Ryan joked to GQ that he first knew he loved her “after sex” and that the DailyMail took it seriously. I hate that they have two adorable children with chic names like James, but for a girl, and Ines. I especially hate, and this is a big one, that Ryan is really funny, and that Blake is funny too, and that Ryan’s Twitter is positively crawling with jokes about his family:

I hate that I just read this aloud to seven people:

On Good Morning America, I hate that Blake said she lost her Twitter password years ago and doesn’t even see his tweets, and that she said, “He’s so funny, but [needs] a lot of therapy,” because that’s categorically true and also made me laugh. I also hate this anecdote about Blake calling her daughter a White Walker for choosing to eat a steak on her first birthday instead of cake, because that’s hilarious.

I also hate this entire thing:

Of Blake’s recent film All I See is You, I hate that she admitted to pulling from her relationship with Ryan: “I feel a little bad watching the film with my husband because there are moments I stole from my relationship… There is a moment in the film where he’s lying in my lap and I’m laying over him and kissing his nose and asking him if it ever bothers him that he has to take care of me. And he says, ‘No, it makes me feel special.'”

I hate that, of Blake, Ryan once said, “I’m not one for vomiting declarations of sentiment out across the airwaves, but when we had that baby, I fell more in love with my wife than I’d ever been in my entire life. I couldn’t even believe it.” And then: “I’m just a diaper changing facility hooked up to a life support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch and dinner,” he says. “She’s a human Denny’s all day long … and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.”

I hate that, of Ryan, Blake once said, “I knew he would always be my best friend for my whole life. That was the biggest thing to me. I’d never known anything like the friendship that I had with him. I could like him as much as I loved him.”

I HATE that. And I especially hate that I love every last bit of it.

Photo by Mike Coppola via Getty Images.

Haley Nahman

Haley Nahman

Haley Nahman is the Features Director at Man Repeller.

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