I Regret to Inform You We’re Breaking Up

Collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt

Hi there,

Just circling back/closing the loop on the conversation we had in our Uber last night because you seemed kind of drunk. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and, after consulting with my social stakeholders, I’ve decided not to move forward with this relationship.

It’s not that yesterday’s weird dinner was a deal breaker in and of itself — although your use of “that’s what she said” for comedic relief was unacceptable — it’s that our ROI is beginning to yield diminishing returns. I almost blame myself for holding on so long. I mistakenly attributed the drop-off after Q2 to the end of our honeymoon phase, when I should have just known you were an asshole. 🙂

A quick analysis of our relationship KPIs reveals:

-Under-delivery on founding brand tenets such as respectful debate, witty observations and general praising of my scoopability

-A dramatic decrease in your response time via text

-A consistent decline in average WSEI (weekly sexual encounters index)

-A drop-off in non-sexual contact i.e. spooning, hand-holding and tenderly brushing the hair off my face

All indicate a gross misalignment in expectations. They say you should always under-promise and over-deliver, but you’ve both promised the world and exhibited minimal follow-through over the course of our relationship. Actuals haven’t stacked up to projections, not even close. Take, for instance, your affinity for the television program Two and a Half Men. It couldn’t be more out-of-scope per the agreed-upon entertainment clause set forth by our first date, where we discussed Twin Peaks and House of Cards. If we can’t watch Netflix together, what’s the point?

I tried to pivot with the assistance of a performance improvement plan, but nothing worked. Opening up the relationship to new investors was a disaster. Our offsite in Atlantic City failed to boost morale. In fact, it did the opposite: Seeing you cry in your Quicksilver board shorts after losing at the penny slots revealed fundamental differences in regards to risk tolerance, emotional resilience and general fashion taste. It’s also seared in my memory, visually.

I only have so much emotional bandwidth. I’ve been consulting outside independent advisors, namely my therapist, barista and Cheryl Strayed, for some time now, and we all agree that, at this juncture, there is no viable option beyond folding this venture. I even solicited 360 feedback from your own peers, and was shocked to discover that no one even likes you that much. I, on the other hand, have plenty of opportunities in the pipeline. I’d be doing myself a disservice to not capitalize on a bullish market.

I appreciate your interest in the role of my boyfriend. No further action items required on your end, apart from returning my Yeezy sweatshirt and Dermalogica exfoliating mask (that shit’s expensive).

Ping me if you have any questions; happy to hop on a call. If not, please at least confirm receipt of this email.

All the best,

Jargon courtesy of Matt Little, famed user of buzzwords in inappropriate situations.

Haley Nahman

Haley Nahman

Haley Nahman is the Features Director at Man Repeller.

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