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Chipotle Burritos Aren’t 300 Calories? Everything’s a Lie

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Have you seen the news this morning? Something huge is happening. Everyone’s talking about it.

No no, not that.

Or that. Or that or that or that.

I’m talking about Chipotle being sued because its burritos aren’t 300 calories. “You may have seen a ‘Chorizo Burrito’ on Chipotle’s menu board labeled with the words ‘300 calories,'” reports Fortune. “But what you may not have known is that the 300 calories only refers to the chorizo — not the rest of the burrito.”

It’s actually 950.

Guys. Of all the lawsuits. Of all the outrage. Chipotle is being sued by three customers because its menu somehow misled them to believe that an infant-sized cylinder of flour, chorizo, rice and beans isn’t the same number of calories as half a Sweet Green salad. This is a tragic shattering of delusions worthy of our time and energy, don’t you think? When I texted my friend for his thoughts on this breaking news, he told me we live in a dog-eat-chorizo society and it’s time I face that reality.

Maybe we all should.

In fact now I’m wondering if I ought to sue Disneyland for not being the happiest place on Earth. I suffered horrible indigestion there a few years ago, was distinctly unhappy. Or maybe Vegas for saying what happens there, stays there. I felt personally betrayed by the city the last time someone tagged me in a photo in front of The Venetian in an unflattering bodycon dress.

Fortune further reports that, “If the suit is successful, it would apply to anyone who has purchased food from Chipotle in the four years prior to the complaint.” I feel super deserving of this and am personally excited to cash a check to the tune of ones or perhaps tens of dollars (and our national anthem). I’ll make sure to spend it on something worthy of our legal system’s time. Like more Chipotle burritos! (Even though they’re apparently highly caloric.)

Collage by Emily Zirimis.

Haley Nahman

Haley Nahman

Haley Nahman is the Features Director at Man Repeller.

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