Kevin McCallister, please quit farting around and grab your Fair Isle sweater! December horoscopes are here (thank you Susan Miller) and I have zero time for your bullshit. This is one airplane that cannot and will not be missed.
Sagittarius
Happy birthday horse girl! You are. You really are a horse girl whether you like it or not. You are half horse, half human, and that, my friend, is about as horse girl as you get. You are so lucky. Maybe you cantered instead of ran when you were in gym class, maybe you didn’t, but either way, here is a giant slice of wintry horoscope. And no, by “wintry” I do not mean that it tastes like peppermint.
Horses love peppermints but since you’re half human you think it’s gross with chocolate, which I find weird or whatever. It’s your birthday; you do what you want. Let’s read your sign!
The month kicks off with Mars in Aquarius — encouragement from Suz to you to pursue your dream (whatever that may be) and pursue it hard. This doesn’t happen often so make the most of it. You’ll feel sensitive on the 10th, but who won’t? Like everyone else, you’ll get over it. On the 13th, an important relationship you’re in will reach “critical mass,” probably in the best way possible! If it feels uncomfy though, don’t worry. This is all about falling deeper in love or clearing the air. Just like Febreze. “Nothing is predetermined,” Susan reminds us, “so it will be up to you to decide what comes next.”
Sometimes she’s like the rock in Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Uranus is doing butt stuff with your sign on the 29th, which means your love life will be feeling more steady again and heading in a positive direction. By the very end you’ll essentially be a walking, sparkly human party. With a ponytail. IDK you can throw a snow globe at me if you need to.
Capricorn
Girlllllllllllll, you’ve been spending up a damn storm this December, apparently. But who am I to judge? I wouldn’t know a balanced checkbook if one bit me in the ass. Speaking of butt munches! Uranus and Mars are all butty-butty this month to the point that they’re copying one another as BFFS are wont to do. This is propelling your spending, but the good news is that “monkey see, monkey do” also translates into your monkey making more money, too.
Big career victory is coming on December 9th (what, whaaattt) and on the 13th, you’ll kill a presentation. FROST YOURSELF IN DIAMONDS, ANYONE? Man was that one of Matthew McConaughey’s most memorable moments. Raise your hand down below if you think so, too. Or just tell me if I bring up Matthew McConaughey in horoscopes an odd amount. I black out while writing them so I really can’t tell, but I’m getting a little somethin’ somethin’ thanks to my newly programmed reverie.
I’m a robot! You are not.
The most exciting part of the month for you kicks off around December 21st. The sun is in your stahh sign then, dahling. You’ll receive some really good news around then so get READY. On December 25th, Susan says that you will have “one of the most enchanting holidays in recent memory.” Thank Venus getting weird with Jupiter there. Think money, but I’m not ruling other good things out. You’re all set to travel just before the New Year. Stay put, wherever that spot may be, to ring in 2017. It’s bound to be one happy ball droppin’ ceremony!
Aquarius
OOOOH, I HAVE SOME GOSSIP FOR YOU EVEN THOUGH IT IS KIND OF ABOUT YOU! “Venus will be moving through your secret twelfth house until December 7th, so the temptation to have a clandestine relationship will be strong.” CLANDESTINE!!!!!!
Listen, I’m not one for below board activities, but I never said anything about below belt and you know how I feel about below deck! If sugar plum fairies can sneak around then so can you. Allow me to repeat my life motto that I will one day put on a bumper sticker for my car to embarrass my kids: have fun, be safe. Speaking of protection, Susan asks that you protect your heart.
More love stuff is bound to come up on the 13th when you will make a decision about a romantic partner. It may be good or sad but 100% it will be what you needed.
This is a good month to travel, even with Mercury in retrograde (just make sure you have your passport about five thousand times). You’re going to be so social and busy, especially around the 19th, which means your normal level of doing things is ratcheted up to a cool high. Do be mindful of the retrograde as it pertains to all other areas of your life, and by that I mean every area, so just be fastidious about things like not leaving your straightener plugged in, dotting i’s, crossing t’s, shopping for holiday gifts early and you’ll be fine! Just fine I tell ya.
The end of December is bound to be batshit crazy in a good and fun way. By the 29th: a rest. Ahhh. (What’s “a rest” again?)
Pisces
Hey Patti LaBelle Pisces, what’s up? The first half of the month is going to be business-centric for you for a whole bunch of planetary reasons, but what you need to know is that it’s all good stuff, and it’s a result (finally!) of the hard work you’ve been putting in. You’re like the hen who had to sow her own wheat for the bread.
You’ll continue to be productive this month — can you help me to be? — and around the 13th all of that productivity will bring in money. The full moon, Jupiter and Uranus are contributing to the money pouring in too. Who cares about semantics when your wallet’s fat, though.
On the 19th, Mars will move into Pisces. You should care because, per Suz, “Having Mars in Pisces is a big advantage to you… Mars will give you courage, determination and drive to go after a goal that is supremely important to you.”
Note that Mercury is going to retrograde — oy — from December 19th well into January. Don’t worry. Just be aware that people from your past will likely come through. Contrary to what your best friend who remembers The Breakup of 2010 may say, this rekindling, now that you’re both older and wiser, has potential. At the very least, if you meet up, the interaction could bring about some much-needed closure.
You’ll find time to be ~*super social*~ toward the end of the month (so Real Housewives of you), and it will be the kind of fun that makes a night out worth it, even when hungover in the a.m. Yup. Even on New Year’s. Go fish or go figure!
Aries
Quick! Get flat on your back and kick your feet up high, freaky Aries — or should I say Air-ies — because December is going to be all about travel for you.
That’s exactly why you should elevate your feet. Nothing ruins a holiday party quite like swollen ankles, let me tell you. Compression socks! It’s really all about those compression socks, even when you think you want to purchase those very soft aloe ones from the overpriced airport bookstore. So enjoy the travel, take the train when you can (for no planetary reason, I just love the festive feel of December scenery) and hit on all of your seat mates so long as you’re not in a quiet car.
“The hardest day of the month will be December 10th, when Saturn will conjunct the Sun,” writes my boy Suz. She says you’ll be in a serious mood because you’ll be thinking about a serious decision in regards to love. Stay positive, because Mars and Uranus will be working in “a friendly manner” — we know what that means, talk about feet up — to shower you with options you may not even realize are possibilities yet.
Speaking of being lit the eff up, by December 29th your career will be hotter than a soup dumpling that you forgot to let cool before shoving in your mouth. Thank the new moon for momentum that will carry you into the new year. Get ready to hit the ground running — another reason to keep those ankles on their A-Game.
Mercury is going to retrograde December 19th through January 8th, great, so someone from your past may come back and be all like, “Waa, I miss you.” It’s actually a good thing. At least hear them out. Last-minute shopping will suck because of it, though. Susan suggests you do gift cards.
Finally, the 25th will rule whether you celebrate holidays during this time of year or not. Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus are having an orgy, so thank them through a microphone or kiss them all under the mistletoe.
Taurus
Ugh money talk all over our sign. It’s going to be tight, but then some money will come in, and then it will feel tight again, but then we’ll be okay long-term. Would anyone else rather talk about the fun acne that has accidentally mistook her face for a Christmas wreath and exploded red dots all over like evil holly berries?
I just googled “holly berries” to make sure we were all talking about the same thing and turns out they are poisonous. No real surprise, but I’m suddenly terrified that my roommate has or will try to consume one of these as they are all over our apartment (the berries, not my acne). The wreath and I got into an altercation this morning and I didn’t have time to clean it up.
What’s up with our non-money-related horoscope, though??
The new moon in our travel house on the 29th plus the presence of Uranus adds up to good news in terms of our career. We bulls have been working hard, but some of you may feel like there’s not much to show for it. Promise that’s about to change. Fame, fortune, raises and recognition are all on the horizon. I don’t set the beats, you guys. I just rap over them.
So is love! Venus is gliding on through Capricorn thanks to Susan’s words and extra lube, which means lots of romance and probably you know what. The 19th is what really starts our social season, which will carry through all the way to Chrismukkah on the 25th. Seth Cohen, kindly crack open the champagne.
Gemini
Okay Gemini. Kindly note that I’m writing this with a face mask on that started to get crunchy around Taurus and I am wondering how much time my pores have left on this planet, so if things feel tight then at least you know why.
Also, does your sign on Astrology Zone feel way longer than usual, but like she tricked you by allowing the scroll to go on forever instead of having multiple pages to click into?
In what’s a pretty annoying way to kick of the actual astrology part of your sign, Susan says you’re likely to get into a disagreement with your bedroom high-fivers early in the month. The good Suz is that we’re already up to December 7th, so maybe that prediction has wet the bed and is already floating down the river. Let’s assume it is. Especially since you’ve got Jupiter standing by, guiding you through all of this. Besides this hiccup, your love life is going to be great in December.
Jupiter is also going to help you feel super creative, by the way!
In what’s extremely boring news, Susan predicts you’ll be very obsessed with your taxes this monthzzzzz okay sorry did you just fall asleep on your keyboard? Me too. You’re going to have a strong social month this December, but on Monday, December 12th, if you get an odd invitation to something (anything), say yes. Magic is bound to happen. Interpret that however you need or want.
Cancer
You’ve had a busy year, apparently, and in December it’s only going to get busier. Susan wants you to start that app you’ve been thinking about, by the way. She wants you to start that or something else in all of that free time (hahaha) that you have.
December 13th is a two-parter. On the one hand, you could get sick because you’re wearing yourself ragged. On the other hand, the full moon and Jupiter are going to help you out with money if you’re feeling stuck.
This bit of your ‘scope appears to be the same for everyone: because of the retrograde coming up (fucking Mercury, from December 19th until January 27th) just be aware — but not scared — that things will move a bit backwards. Old relationships will crop up; they’re not necessarily a bad idea, either. At the same time, we have all of the standard annoyances with this retrograding BS. Electronics go haywire, miscommunications happen, phones get dropped in toilets, yadda yadda. Just something to keep in mind regarding when you go gift shopping and what you’re shopping for. Be wary of vibrators going off in carry ons at the airport, as a fun side note!
Somewhere in that Mercury nap is the 29th where we get a new moon. “If you want,” Susan says casually and without intrusion, which I appreciate, “you can…use this new moon of December 29th to form an official business alliance, such as with a business partner, writing partner, acting coach, agent, publicist, lawyer or other specialist.” Why would you do such a thing? Because “[t]his new moon is well aspected – it will give you gifts from Pluto (power), Jupiter (money, expansion, happiness) and Neptune (creativity).”
So much better than Frankincense and myrrh.
Leo
“Give yourself over to love,” Susan Miller writes in your ‘scope summary, quite dramatically. If you’ve been in a long-distance relationship, it’s going to get easier. If you’ve working through an unrequited crush, the tables will turn in your favor. If you’re in a relationship but wondering about the next step, said next step or an answer that could alter things for the eventual better is bound to come. And if you’re single, well, prepare your mane for courtship. QQ: are lions considered gingers?
Susan Thriller gives you the same heads up about Mercury in retrograde as everyone else: don’t stop believin’, don’t stand so close to me. Oh wait, no, those are Journey and The Police lyrics, respectively. She wants you to move through life as you normally would because there’s no use in freezing every time Mercury goes ass-backwards, but she does want to make sure that you get your gift shopping done early and keep track of your belongings.
If you needed proof that your sign is Susan Miller’s favorite, here’s some more: “Many people make New Year’s resolutions, but few stick with them and succeed. You will be among the winners…by the time you take that trip to sunny St. Barts.” Okay, so I cut a whole bunch of BS in there about losing weight because you’re perfect just the way you are and now is not the time, in my opinion, to say no to peppermint bark, but, if you wanted to — even if it’s just because you don’t feel like packing for home so you need to be able to somewhat squeeze into your high school home clothes — the planets will be on your fitness journey right along with you, commenting on your photos to “keep it up” and saying, “Wow! What great meal planning!”
Also. St. Barts! V. chic, feel free to take me with you so long as you don’t mind sharing an hourly piña colada.
Virgo
Lotta focus on the home this month, remodelista. Sounds like you’re either moving, trying to, looking for a new couch or rearranging your sconces until you go blue in the gills. Come on over to my place when you’re done and help me figure out where to store my infinite crap. Marie Kondo, can you hear me? What planet do you rule?
A job offer is coming your way on December 13th, full of prestige and the yachts that come with it. Susan’s a little bit worried with the timing because of the retrograde but believes that this opportunity is important enough to negotiate through. “[This] culmination to your career may be the greatest gift Santa could ever give you,” says Susan. HELLO.
(It’s me.)
“You seem destined to make more money,” she continues. Where are the rain-down-dollar GIFS when you need them? Maestro, may I please have a few in the comments section? Because of Uranus, the planet (not your literal butt), it might be a friend who sets all of the good fortune off. Sounds to me like you need to throw a party.
Speaking of parties and your wild social life, at the end of December you’re likely to meet someone thanks to Neptune, who is acting like Venus on fun, legal steroids. Mars is in your commitment center from December 19th until January 28th (suck it, Mercury!) meaning that as 2016 fizzes out, a whole new love — or a whole new kind of love, if you’re already committed — will have already begun.
Libra
You’re never supposed to play with fire, but the good kind, the energetic kind, has been lit under your bum thanks to Jupiter this month! You’d think there would be a Uranus joke here, but really it’s just about how you’ve got the drive to succeed and socialize like crazy in December. (Women: we can have it all!)
Side bar: Do you use a humidifier in the winter and should I and where should I keep it and is it true that it has to be elevated? One of those things that seems simple at first, but no.
You’ll be hyper-creative at work early in the month and surrounded by people who matter. You may feel a bit tired and overwhelmed around the 10th because of Saturn, but take a yoga breath and work through it. Only temporary.
Travel as much as you can this month, even if it’s a basketball travel. Even if it’s just from your couch to the bodega. Love is in the air but it’s really in your sign, so if it’s a mistletoe makeout that you’re looking for, then you know, you gotta get out of the house. Sweatpants optional.
You’re going to love the end of the year. Per my main reindeer Suz, “This should be a holiday for the record books, and love will envelop you like the wings of an angel.” Amen!
Scorpio
Hi click-y ancient sand bugs. “This will be a big money month,” announces Susan Thriller, “so grab a calculator, call your accountant and stockbroker, and set goals for increasing your wealth in 2017.” No can do or no can care? Fine. Let’s talk about other stuff.
At the beginning of the month, you have the stage to speak your mind — so do it. Don’t keep quiet about little things that annoy you. If you’re looking to spruce up the old bird cage, December 9th is a good day for deals and signing things. Avoid signing anything come December 19th, though — Mercury in retrograde territory.
Ah, but the 19th isn’t all broken phones and curse words as you stare down the deep drain of a public toilet with an industrial strength flusher. No. It’s the day Mars will enter your true love sector with plans to stay there until January 27th. Re-download the apps or prepare yourself for a storm of meet-cutes. Or both! Your best, best days for love are December 23rd through the 25th, thanks to the moon in Scorpio and all of the planets doing their usual freaky dance. It’s going to be so great. Your life will be like one big present with a giant bow, your fingers doing the nimble unwrapping of a mom who hates to waste wrapping paper and hoards it for at least a decade. Maybe you can have all of the other signs over for tea. Why not, at this point? The last horoscope of 2016, man. Weird. What a year!
See you on the other side, Adele.
Curious about crying at work? Curious about what teens think? Want to play Russian Roulette and click this curious link?!
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarch Sagittarius zodiac sticker.
