In all my many, many years of astrologizing, I have rarely encountered a more timely—nay, urgent—assignment than this. I knew I was being called to do the Lord’s work when the grand poo-bahs and wise council of advisors on Planet Man Repeller asked that I develop the official guide to dog breeds and their corresponding astrological signs following the annual Westminster hullaballoo. The following astrology/canine mashup was developed through rigorous research, focus-group testing, dry runs, and soft openings.
I want to acknowledge that this is a very emotional topic and that many people have piping hot takes about the dog breed that they feel is their kindred soul and I totally get it. But listen, if you disagree with these pairings you can take it up with the stars, although I hear their inboxes are totally swamped right now so don’t take it personally if you don’t hear back immediately. Also don’t @ me, I am just the messenger, and also I’m on a social media break so that I can better hear the wisdom of the stars.
P.s. I picked purebreds—photographed by the talented Kate Lacey for her important tome, Show Dogs—for the purpose of astrological clarity, but all dogs are perfect and beautiful. Please adopt, don’t shop!
Aries: Italian Greyhound
Aries you are the astrological baby warrior, like a baby in a breastplate mounted on the back of a warhorse. All vim and vinegar. The dog breed that most embodies your energy is this sleek little number. Not only does this dog look so aerodynamic that if I were a stupid alien that didn’t know about Earth animals, and you told me that Italian greyhounds were amphibians that could shoot through water like a sea-snake, I would say hey! That’s a horrifying image and also very believable! These lil sluggers want to lead the charge, just like you, Aries. You are one of the born leaders of the astrological world and you need to be able to rally a crowd. Italian greyhounds may be small but they have a big boy bark that could whip the dog park into a frenzy and strike fear into the heart of one’s enemies. Move over, regular-sized greyhounds, its tiny boy time.
Taurus: French Bulldog
You have so many excellent qualities, Taurus. For example, you are known to be a bit of a gourmand and can truly enjoy a good meal, just like these hungry boys. Bulldogs are also notoriously hard to train, like you, Taurus, known to stand your ground. You teach the rest of us how to stick to our guns and ignore all the haters who tell us that we should not eat lasagna every night for a week even if we damn well please. You are a leader when it comes to sensuous pleasures, just like these lil meatballs. French bulldogs are excellent at enjoying the good things in life. Not only do these pups bring light into the world with their gorgeous little bellies, imagine one of these lil guys rolling down a hill! They do that occasionally! Isn’t that so nice of them to do for us? They want to flip flop on the couch and snort into the lap of their favorite warm human friends, just like you.
You would be forgiven for thinking that “Weimaraner” was the name of an Austrian sausage, or a sleek oceanliner, or a ubiquitous haircut for punk kids in 1980s Brussels. But it is not. Gemini is an incredibly communicative sign. They want to be in constant dialogue with other humans. Weimaraners, who are, just to remind you, not sausages, are right in line with this chatty spirit. No one raises a thoughtful eyebrow like a Weimaraner. These guys not only look like seals bred with hunting dogs, they are also great at dog sports! What sports do dogs do, you ask? I don’t know! Probably like, running and jumping and stuff I guess! Whatever! What I do know is that Geminis have an agile mind and can learn anything that interests them. A little-known Gemini fact is that yall secretly love rules. That doesn’t mean that you are inherently obedient to just any ol’ shmuck with a pocket full of ham bones. Gemini will learn to jump over stuff and run fast in a metaphorical dog sport competition only with the guidance of a human they respect. You are the Weimaraner. That is all.
Cancer: American Pitbull
I am a big pitbull fan. I would literally fight a human being on behalf of these swole little angel babies, much like I would fight a human being on behalf of the sweet and misunderstood Cancer’s in my life that are always getting a bad rap! Pitbulls are the most sensitive dogs (it is true, I will die on this hill) and yet people really are out here thinking that they are all kinds of bad things! Cancer can relate to this, as much of the internet slanders the starcrab for being manipulative or standoffish, which, okay, like obviously some Cancers can be (#notallcancers). In general though, Cancers are homebodies who are protective and really just take a while to open up. Furthermore, and I can’t stress this enough, these jacked sweeties honestly just want to cuddle. Additionally, have you ever seen one of these guys stand on his hind legs and gaze out a window? They look exactly like wistful, broad shouldered fishermen’s wives of sturdy constitution, that long for their sailors to come home. This is exactly how sweet hermit crab Cancers wait to hear their friends and family’s keys jingle outside the door!! In conclusion, Cancers are actually sweethearts and pitbulls have very muscular physiques that would look fantastic in tank tops and other form-fitting garments, thank you and adieu.
Leo: Border Collie
When picking a celestial counterpart for Leo, the choice was obvious. Leos and border collies are both cunning, naughty boys who love to be the center of attention. A border collie prances into a room and demands attention. If border collies could talk they would say, “Oh hi did you notice my beautiful plush fur and dazzlingly wet nose would you like to touch these things??” And then they would hop and sprint away seducing you into a romping game of chase. Anyone who has literally ever had a crush on a Leo knows this situation all too well. Quick, smart, charming, and maybe a little self-centered, Leos and border collies are natural analogues. But wait, what about Lassie, you ask? Lassie was the epitome of self-sacrifice and humility. Sorry to break it to you kids, but Lassie was played by a total bitch who was only in it for the fame. Anyway, Leos are hot and border collies are hot and they both know it so my work here is done.
Virgo: Bernese Mountain Dog
Once I met this beautiful Bernese mountain dog named Trixie who really just wanted to put her things in order. If these exquisite furry giants had Pinterest boards they would be loaded up with organizational hacks and farm wedding shit. Virgos are sometimes known as the zodiac’s resident control freaks and no dog better embodies this than Trixie the Bernese Mountain Dog. I watched her sprint from one side of a farm to another, just getting her patrol on. Then, when she came back inside, she immediately got to work collecting all her various bones and toys and other disgusting goopy things her humans touched with their bare hands like it was no big deal. She then placed them in the neatest pile I’ve ever seen a non-human creature make and when she was done she padded over to her humans looking so fulfilled and also desirous of more work. Raise your hand if you know a Virgo that gets down like this! What I am trying to draw your attention to is that Virgos get shit done and Trixie is a very good girl. You’re welcome.
Libra: Shih Tzu
If Shih Tzus could roam the earth on two legs, had thumbs and the capacity for speech, they would ask for the keys to your car, drive straight to the galleria, sign up for a Macy’s credit card in your name, and come home a new bitch. Libra understands this impulse. But, like a carefully weighted scale, there are two sides to both Libras and shih tzus. Sure, sure, they would both happily ruin your credit given the opportunity, but they are also quintessential people-pleasers. Shih Tzu were bred to sit in laps and be beautiful. If you are loved by a Libra, they probably also want to sit in your lap looking beautiful. The connections are literally myriad you guys, let me hit you with some bullet points because we don’t have all day: Libras and shih tzus are magnetic and look great in high ponytails; they both require extensive grooming and attention; if they bit you it probably wouldn’t hurt that bad; and they would happily go on a gentle stroll with you, and when they arrived home they would both prefer to get their cuddle on rather than go out clubbing. Shih tzus hate clubbing.
Scorpios get a bad rap for being the burn-your-house-down obsessives of the zodiac. Now, I am not saying that there has never once been a Scorpio who’s whole deal was, like, arson and mayhem, but that is the exception and not the rule! Now, a silky saluki would never burn your house down for a variety of pragmatic reasons (thumbs, ability to plot maliciously, etc) but these elegant canines have a level of devotion that is very much in line with Scorpio’s tendency to be, hmmm what’s another word for obsessive…passionate! Yes, Scorpios and salukis share this absolute dedication to the humans that they choose. And say what you will about Scorpios, if you’ve ever been chosen by a good one, you already know that Scorpio has the kind of freaky nasty sex magic that will have you waking up out of a two-week erotic bacchanal being like, oh gosh, should we get married? I cannot speak to a saluki’s sexual appeal, but come on. Look at that standoffish nobility, that proud snout, the flowing hair! Buyer beware: neither Scorpios nor salukis are lap dogs. They show their affection by, idk, collecting all your discarded chewing gum and shaping it into a sculpture dedicated to your love. Or, like, chasing down a game animal and then carrying its carcass back to you in its beautiful jaws.
Have you seen those videos where huskies spontaneously develop the capacity for speech and sound like they are just a few vocal cords away from being like, “Hey girl!!!!!!!”? The scientific reason for this is that huskies are all spiritually Sags and just want to tell you true and good things and then go for a hike. Also, Sags are known to love animals and have pets, and I like to think that on Alaskan dog sled teams there is one husky who is like Daddy Husky and then all the other huskies are his baby pets whom he adopted and likes to take care of because they are all so sweet!! Huskies are independent and need to be taken outdoors often to get their romp on, much like every Sag I have ever met. Have you recently looked into the eyes of a Sagittarius? Did you notice the warm spark of sharp intellect and a kind of total attention that set your whole heart aglow? It is literally just like gazing into the eyes of a husky. Try it. Love it. Subscribe to it. Review it on Yelp.
Capricorn: Afghan Hound
When a Cap or an Afghan hound walks into a room, the whole vibe shifts and it is suddenly like, holy shit who is that? That creature means business and literally can have whatever they want. Here, hound or Cap, take this burrito I was literally still eating, oh what’s that? You have already taken the burrito out of my hands and claimed it as your own? Yes. That is only right. You deserve it. And yet, both of these creatures are full of contradictions. As cut-throat and ambitious Caps can be, they are also extremely sensitive and benefit from affirmation and steady love. Much like an afghan hound, bred to be a ferocious hunter, needs to be tenderly brushed and spoken to very sweetly. If you have either one of these creatures in your life, make sure you take the time to stoke their perfect locks and say, “Oh wow look how good and big you are! You have the spiritual fortitude of a warhorse and the beauty of a wisteria meadow! Look at you! You are like a deer only hotter!” This is what Caps and afghan hounds need so that they can get back out into the world and make shit happen.
Aquarius: St. Bernard
If the founding charter of the United Nations had an astrology sign as a mascot, it would be Aquarius, the zodiac’s resident humanitarian. If Aquarius had a dog as a mascot, it would be the St. Bernard, the literal saint of the dog world. These big perfect lumps have been used up in the Alps to find humans lost in the snow for hundreds of years. People would just send groups of two or three out into the snow by themselves to rescue people! They were so independent and brave and smart and dedicated just like Aquarius and I’m not crying you’re crying. Aquarius really just wants the world to be okay, and its dog counterpart not only shares that wish but actively works to make it happen. Yes, by the aforementioned heroic rescues, but also by being the most giant sweeties that ever set paw on this earth. If you are not convinced, I dare you to encounter an Aquarius aglow with easy-going and quirky inner light and not immediately think of that dogstar Beethoven who, although I haven’t seen the movie, was probably just doing nice quirky stuff the whole time! Right? I already know I’m right. I have the internet, thank you very much.
Okay so, my first piece of evidence for this astrological pairing is that RiRi is a Pisces. Ri Ri is also perfect and a model for us all, and so are poodles. And if you’re like, nah, poodles are played out. Let me counter that with this: Have you ever seen a poodle lay down? They cross their little front legs over one another like graceful ladies. So. You do the math, sir. Furthermore, poodles are incredibly sensitive and intuitive dogs, much like Pisces, the zodiac’s resident psychic. Also! Poodles and Pisces both love water. And if you’re like, no way, aren’t they worried about their bouffants? The answer is no, they are completely friggin unbothered. They have water-resistant hair and actual webbed feet! They can go for a lil swim and then pop right up out of the water looking fresh as a daisy because they were bred to be gorgeous amphibious divas, and probably to break ducks necks in their jaws or whatever. Poodles and Pisces bond hard with the people they love and they both want to go on long walks at night with these people, gazing up at the stars and talking about ghosts and other dimensions and stuff. Yes, it is a little known fact that poodles are esoteric bitches that love a good woo-woo chat. If you don’t believe me, ask a poodle. If the poodle doesn’t respond, you can take that as a yes.