For a place I once treated like a social bible, I now scroll through Facebook genuinely gobsmacked by how little compels me. It’s all exceedingly terrible. And I have no one to blame but myself, for curating such a trash pile, and Facebook, for enabling it.
Nothing better exemplifies this dumpster than my Facebook notifications tab — little red icons liable to make my whole damn day in 2008 which now serve as bite-sized, nightmarish reminders of my compulsive need to click them. Once I do, it’s one disaster after another. Each notification is more useless than the last. The exponential nature of it is almost impressive.
I’m sorry to anyone this hurts, but I was more invested in some random lady’s Candy Crush game on the subway this morning, which I spied on without her permission, than I’ve been in any Facebook notification I’ve received in the last five years. In an effort to shed light on a dark, dark place, I’ve expounded upon my 10 greatest hits below.
1. Someone I don’t know posted on the wall of an event I’m not going to
I care more about what Candy Crush Lady ate for breakfast, frankly. This one doubles down on uselessness if the event is being thrown by someone I don’t have the faintest memory of knowing. I still might read the post, though.
2. A kid from my college dorm invited me to like the page for his most recent entrepreneurial endeavor
Based on Facebook notifications alone, I can safely assume every dude that lived in my dorm is now the owner of several defunct real estate businesses/DJ monikers.
3. Someone I haven’t talked to in six years, someone I literally don’t remember and three other people I don’t care about at all have birthdays today, wish them well!
This one wins the frequency award. I get a fresh one nearly every day. It keeps me humble. I never wish them well.
4. Someone I do know and care a lot about had a birthday yesterday
THANKS FOR FUCKING NOTHING FACEBOOK.
5. My coworker from five years ago became friends with someone I don’t know
Setting: Facebook board room
FB Employee #1: We should make sure to notify people when one of their friends becomes friends with someone. Literally anyone.
FB Employee #2: Wow, how useful. Ship it!
6. Reminder: an event I felt too bad to decline is coming up
Reminder: You should really say yes to more stuff you piece of shit.
7. Someone incredibly random shared a link I don’t care about
To be clear, they did not share it with me, but rather with everyone. Why I’m receiving a personal notification about it and how that makes me feel is between me and my therapist.
8. Someone I don’t know also commented on my friend’s post
Translation: No good deed goes unpunished.
9. Someone changed the cover photo of a group I was invited to join but never responded to out of guilt
This is fun in that it kills two birds with one stone by wasting my time with something that affects me not at all and by reminding me that I’m a total wimp and don’t deal with invitations like an adult.
10. Literally every friendiversary that’s ever occurred
Things I care about:
Things I don’t care about:
-The anniversary of when two people I don’t know very well became friends on a fucking SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORK.
Illustrations by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.