A Sweaterpath’s List of Excuses for Too Many Knits


You don’t exactly hear anyone telling her friend that she has too many teeth, do you? Hey twenty-teeth, what do you need all those teeth for?! You don’t hear that.

You don’t hear anyone telling his dog that he has too many dog toes.

No one tells a bartender that she has too many alcoholic options, a writer that he has too many pieces of notepad paper nor a famous person that she has too many Instagram followers. And yet EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE ON MY DAMN CASE ABOUT SWEATERS.

“How many could you possibly need,” they ask me. “Especially when you already have a billion.”

But if you, too, are a sweaterpath, then you know that the answer is not so simple.

I need a sweater with giant pom poms on it because I think rabbit tails are bold.

I need a sand-colored knit with a neck that stands up because it’s a neutral and my neck gets cold.

I need an apricot bouclé sweater to wear with sturdy white jeans.

I need a knit with ruffles down the sleeves because what does a life without ruffles mean?

I need a sweater that ties at the waist because sometimes I forget that I have one.

I need a sweater with voluminous layers to teach Christmas trees and wedding cakes a lesson.

I need a pink fisherman sweater to break all sorts of stereotypes.

I need a red knit with a wrap-thing for when the holiday season spikes.

I need a gold metallic sweater to feel like a million bucks.

I need a green knit with scrunched sleeves and a pulley-neck for good luck.

And finally, I need a rainbow-striped cashmere glitter knit…because I actually don’t think I have one.

Collages by Emily Zirimis.


Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

More from Archive