Welcome to the Annual Man Repeller Gift Guide! As you may know, we love throwing a theme party that moonlights as gift-giving advice around here, and this year’s theme is “horoscopes.” A timely celebration of the 2010s’ primary source of digital catnip as this decade come to a close, but also an excuse to create TWELVE highly personalized gift vignettes for your shopping pleasure. We’re breaking them up over the course of the next four days, starting with fire signs and followed by earth, water, and air–so be sure to keep checking back for more treats (think of it like an advent calendar, except you get to eat multiple chocolates at once). Now, without further ado, I’ll hand the mic over to astrological aficionado Sarah Panlibuton Barnes who is far more qualified to wax poetic on the stars and their plans for your presents. -Harling Ross
’Tis the season for schlepping our skin suits across town in the sleet and tumult to be with the people we love. Isn’t it adorable that we like each other enough to leave our individual blanket nests and brave airports and train stations full of human beings literally projectile-sneezing as if they have never once sneezed in public before and have no idea what the proper protocol is? That is how much we want to gather and be merry, and no one gets that more than our social butterfly fire signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius.
If you took an astrological survey of any given crowd of dogged holiday errand-runners, I reckon you’d find a disproportionate number of fire signs, dressed to the nines and clutching bottles of champagne, squinting against the rain and trudging onward toward the fête. Luckily for their loved ones, no other set of signs in the zodiac lights up the room quite like them! Fire signs are like a Scandinavian hearth decorated for a Hygge-themed spread in a lifestyle magazine. They are the warm crackling fire, the overflowing blanket ladder loaded down with throws, the twinkling lights on a Christmas tree, platters full of pillar candles. They exude passion, jubilance, originality, and warmth.
Now, you’re probably asking yourself: How can we ever repay the fire signs in our lives for all the delight they so benevolently spread wherever they go? Well, buddy, do I have some answers for you! Allow me to serve you this steamin’ hot Fire Sign Gift Guide on a gold platter, replete with luxurious delights and shiny stuff that will please these astrological superstars.
Aries are the fiery first sign of the zodiac—animated by a contagious joie de vivre. They set trends, they stand up for what they believe in, and they like shiny stuff. They are known for being the first on the dance floor, the first to recommend an edgy party theme, and the first to say, “Hey, should we climb that fire escape?” Think Joan of Arc mixed with Helena Bonham Carter mixed with a powerful wild stallion mixed with a baby.
Satisfy the Aries need to sparkle with these golden baubles and glittering wedges. To layer on the drama, add this fur headband (now 40% off) and help the Aries in your life look like a beautiful upright woodland creature. These oxblood gloves paired with ($8!) headlamp-colored sunglasses and a fancy tiger-print purse will have everyone asking, who’s that girl that looks like the human version of the words “rendezvous” and “mystique” and “sumptuous”? To round it out, give your Aries this extra aesthetically-pleasing set of soaps, because, hey, you can never go wrong with nice soap.
If you have a Leo to shop for this holiday season, there is one important rule to keep in mind: Leos are the star of every show. Are you with me? Here is a pop quiz to check your comprehension. At a baby shower, who is the star of the show?
A. The parents of the human baby.
B. The human baby.
C. The acquaintance from work who came for the charcuterie and champagne but happens to be a Leo.
Correct. The answer is C. Now that we’re all on the same page, may I recommend some prezzies? Spoil the Leos in your life with these rose quartz eye socket massagers to banish any dark circles that result from the late-night carousing that will be requested of them, and if that doesn’t work they can pop on these glittering sunglasses (alternative $68 option here) made with actual crystals and no one will know they even have eyes, let alone dark circles! Stuff ’em both in this pretty woven purse and you will give the gift of portable options for what to do with one’s eyes no matter the circumstance! Show your Leo how committed you are to the highest manifestations of both their style, comfort, and relaxation by pairing these dainty, discounted mules with some luxurious cashmere socks from Elder Statesman and this sexy candle created for people (*cough* Leos *cough*) who project a kind of unpredictable sex appeal.
Shopping for Sag is all about whimsy and surprise. Sagittarius is bored easily and craves novelty and surprise. So here is what I think you should do according to astrology: Gather up these mind-bending espresso cups, this bucket bag that looks as if it were once owned by an empress and is currently on sale for half its original price, this big ol’ shiny gold ring (if you’re in the market for a splurge), and these party-ass sequin velvet boots, leave the presents on the coffee table, and while your lucky recipient is distracted by your excellent gift-giving, pop out from behind some large piece of furniture and yell “SEASON’S GREETINGS!” They’ll love it.
Or! Target your gifting strategy to Sag’s infamous wanderlust. Since Sag is always down for an adventure, set them up in style with one of these watches, with one set to local time and one set to adventure time (or whatever time zone they will be jetting off to next) Don’t forget some stationery so Sag can send you a thank-you note. And just for giggles, pick up this meme game so they have some conversation starters when there’s a lull in conversation at the kasbah.
Come back tomorrow for all the earth babies in your life! (Then stick around until Thursday and Friday for water and air.)