Categories
Archive

I Just Received the Most Absurd Email About Gigi Hadid

Photo by Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images.

I just received a press release from Glamour about a video of Gigi Hadid staring into a camera for four minutes.

“BREAKING,” the subject line of the email said with a colon that followed, a little double-dot to signal the next line’s Royal Entry: “GIGI HADID STARES INTO CAMERA.”

My general email strategy these days is to delete them, so it’s a true wonder I opened it — except it’s not, really, because Gigi Hadid’s face is as alluring as they come. I was sucked right in. I clicked the link and watched the video for its entirety. Twice.

I’d love to talk about it when you have a second.

First of all, great song. If this song came on in 2006 as I was driving to school but almost at my destination, I’d loop around the block for four minutes in hopes that the radio DJ would announce the artist.

I would have then downloaded that song on iTunes, burned it to a CD and played it on a loop so that I could stare moodily out of windows while imagining my own slow-motion entrance from the vantage point of someone else falling in love with me.

I would play it while enacting out my own four-minute-long stare into my bedroom mirror to ponder that secret question Amy Schumer stole right out of my head in her ‘Live at the Apollo’ special: “Am I maybe gorgeous?”

Our Photo Editor, Edith, likened the concept of face + extended camera time to that of Andy Warhol’s famous screen tests. I’m going to liken it more to me on a day I’m really feeling myself and realize I haven’t played with Instagram Story filters in a while.

Apparently, per the memo, “Several Glamour editors have re-watched the video multiple times already, citing an Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR).” I’m of the unlucky bunch who does not experience ASMR; mostly what I felt while watching this is that “oh shit it’s happening” sensation as though she and I were about to kiss.

At about 1:10 I noticed the highlighter on her stage left eye lid is stronger than (or reflecting more light than — the highlighter on her stage right lid. From this short observation alone I have deduced that one minute and 10 seconds is the precise time it takes for individuals to notice minuscule makeup imperfections, like when you do a cat eye better one side than the other, so really we should all worry less about getting those even.

At 2:03, I wondered how she kept a straight face for so long, especially as the camera zoomed closer. Was anyone else in the room with her? Have you ever played that game, “Honey I love you but I just can’t smile?” If I got bored, she must have.

At 3:00, I was back in the game and fully entranced.

At 3:49 I realized that four minutes is the exact amount of time prescribed as the final romantic-breeding task in The New York Times‘ viral post from 2015, “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.”

And at 3:53 she breaks the spell and laughs. (That was close.)

At 4:09 the experience ended and I was compelled to write this.

Which makes you wonder:

1) What is it about Gigi Hadid?

2) Or does this have nothing to do with Gigi Hadid? Could you have watched anyone for this long with the right song? I think maybe I could have. It’s strangely voyeuristic.

3) Is this the same phenomenon that allows us to stare at painted portraits we humans connect with for odd amounts of time?

4) Was this pure, unadulterated internet content conceived of prior to the shoot by a content creating genius, or was this salvaged from the cutting room floor because content is 2017’s equivalent of a 1950’s dinner plate and no meal must go uneaten?

5) Exactly how far will I go to procrastinate writing Horoscopes?

The comment section is yours to congregate in. I will probably join you after watching this three or five more times.

The video was produced and directed by Chiara Clemente and Tanya Selvaratnam for Glamour.

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

More from Archive