As someone who’s made the smart and perfectly respectable choice to never ever see a horror movie, this latest installment of Girls ranks as one of my nearest brushes with genuine terror. Approximately 20 minutes into the season’s second episode, I became convinced that the evening in upstate New York was headed for a murder-suicide. By the time Shosh arrived at the very empowered Jamba Jeans festivities, I’d gotten so paranoid that I really believed Zeva and Rachel were moments away from pouring pig’s blood on Shosh’s head. It wasn’t until I heard Joni Mitchell belt out “Free Man in Paris” that I could finally relax and realize…I kind of loved it!
At least, I think? I mean, did you? Here are 24 critical questions to help you figure it out. Also, should I watch more horror movies?
1. Has a single person on television ever filmed as many sex scenes as Marnie Michaels?
2. If you say you’re a great secret keeper, does that automatically make you a bad secret keeper? All experience suggests yes.
3. Do you think Elijah made that bloody mary from a mix?
4. Have you ever laid eyes on a man less in need of Spanx? Okay, yes, you have. But still, Elijah! Love yourself.
5. What would your friend have to give you to get into a car that Desi was driving? Like, entirely separate from the infidelity issue, let’s consider the safety problem.
6. But quick, let’s decide: should Jessa wear shoulder pads? I think yes, in most-to-all circumstances.
7. What do you think the hero’s journey version would have been?
8. What’s the most unexpected act of kindness and/or tea set a stranger has ever bequeathed to you for free?
9. Have you ever borne such first-person witness to your friend’s utter and complete romantic self-destruction?
10. Of all the second-hand stores in New York, where do you think Jessa found her suit?
11. What’s the worst acronym you know? (Because “WEMUN” is pretty terrible.)
12. What lipstick does Jessa have on?
13. Do we all like Marnie’s ponytail more than we like Marnie?
14. Okay, but wouldn’t Desi decant his mints into a Mason jar?
15. Is it nice to call your friend, the same friend who has agreed to be an accomplice to your terrible choices, “a dumb slut”?
16. What does a woman have to do to eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in peace?
17. I do think a plastic spatula is an ideal all-purpose kitchen tool, but is it the first utensil I would reach for in a critical, potentially life-threatening situation? (No.)
18. Have you ever broken up with a friend two-on-one?
19. Is this what growth looks like on Hannah? Does anyone else find it…hard to believe?
20. Why aren’t more women cobblers or locksmiths? I feel, and, yes, this is a generalization, that a woman would be much better equipped to understand what I want a refurbished heel to look like than the man who usually tends to it does.
21. Who wants to go to Aruba?
22. Is anyone in this situation a grownup? The grownup? What’s a grownup? I feel like I used to know…
23. Should Joni Mitchell be on the soundtrack to not just every episode of Girls, but all of our lives? Obviously, yes.
24. Did Desi always look so much like a scarecrow or is that a newer development?
Follow our Girls girl and author Mattie on Twitter @mattiekahn. Photo via HBO.