Welcome to My Newly Appointed 2017 Resolution c/o Goldie Hawn

LOS ANGELES, CA - JANUARY 04: Goldie Hawn is seen on January 04, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by BG004/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images)

Sometimes when I have downtime, I check Getty Images — scrolling through the most recent editorial photos (sub-tab: Entertainment), hoping that I will find meaning. Meaning for what? A whole bunch of things, including:


The lunch I just ate.

And Sienna Miller.

Today on one such search for meaning, I tripped over Goldie Hawn setting my 2017 resolution in stone. It’s a four-parter, so get ready!

1. Thou shalt not purchase literal to-go coffee. Instead, ye shall make thy own beans, grinding them and caring for them, mixing them with an alternative milk, free of dairy, of thy choice. Finally, ye shall select the largest coffee cup you own and scrawl “to go” onto the front of it. Wear it. Live it. Be it. Spill it down thee throat.

1a. Thou shall shut the fuck up with Shakespeare-talk henceforth. It is very annoying.

2. FANNYPACKS!!! Much to the chagrin of a former self but to the pleasure of my arms, which like to free-ball, I will only wear bags that hang just like, an inch and a half below my hoo-ha, leaving my uterus and ovaries in the absolute clear to do what they must in order to successfully complete their reproductive responsibilities. I will keep it quite full with q-tips and stamps — two things no one ever has, but which I often find I need — and errant coins. This way, I will jingle when I walk.

3. Here’s a big change. I’m going to keep my tongue outside of my mouth instead of inside my mouth. That will be cool.

4. I already have the wear-workout-clothes-everywhere-for-everything-including-weddings-thing down, so resolution #4 is to make enough $$$ to get a Tesla. What a fucking cool car.

If this post feels meaningless, I get it. But don’t confuse meaning with worth — this is a very important photo, and if nothing else, staring at it is an absolutely respectable way to spend the remainder of your first Friday of this glorious 2017.

Photo by BG004/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images via Getty Images. 

Leandra M. Cohen

Leandra M. Cohen is the founder of Man Repeller.

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