It’s rare that a print magazine makes a splash these days. Leave it to goop, the Anna Wintour-backed physical manifestation of Gwyneth Paltrow’s digital venture, to not just make a splash but land a perfect cucumber-infused cannonball.
The magazine hit stands today, and it didn’t waste time advertising its intentions. The cover features Gwyneth herself, naked save for a pair of underwear, covered knee-to-chin in a slick coating of gray mud. Her lips are slightly parted, as if she’s either just tasted something curiously umami-flavored, achieved sexual enlightenment, or possibly both. The words “Earth to Gwyneth” are scrolled across her bare abdomen in what I can only describe as “goopy” cursive.
“Goopy,” in fact, is an accurate adjective for the entire issue. Instead of dancing around the association, it jumps right in and rolls around in it (literally, in Gwyneth’s case). Because I couldn’t help myself, I combed through all 96 pages to select the seven goopiest learnings for your consumption.
1. A new definition of “wellness,” per Gwyneth’s letter from the editor.
“At goop, more than anything else, we define wellness as a state of curiosity and what that curiosity might lead to,” she writes. “If you have tuned into yourself enough to ask why you feel a certain way or how you might change a particular aspect of your life, you are participating in the wellness movement. Wellness is the space in which to ponder the existence of a mind-body connection, to wonder if food really can be medicine, to imagine that a better relationship is possible. It’s about being the architect of how you want your life to unfold, in whatever way is right for you.”
Translation: you’ve probably already opted into the wellness movement whether you intended to or not. Take that, haters!
2. Leech bites are the one thing Gwyneth is still unwilling to undergo in the name of wellness.
She won’t let them near her face, despite what she hears about their skin-tightening properties.
3. To smooth out the skin buckling around her caesarean scar, Gwyneth went to a doctor and let him sting her stomach with a live bee.
It’s apparently similar to acupuncture, but more fun to talk about at parties. On a separate note, I’m grateful to finally know where bees and leeches rank, respectively, on the goop-friendly critter list.
4. The pelvic floor is going to be the next “It” body part.
If it weren’t for our pelvic floor, our uterus and bladder could fall out, so I’m not mad about giving it some primetime.
According to Leslie Howard, a yoga teacher who leads sold-out pelvic floor workshops around the country, the main issue with people’s pelvic floor isn’t that it’s too loose but that it’s too tight. “We’re all walking around with our butts clenched, barely breathing,” she says. “In our hyper-modernized American society, this has become the new normal.”
Much like going to the dentist or the OBGYN, you can make an appointment with a specialist to have your pelvic floor “released” once or twice a year. I already told Siri to remind me.
5. If you need to clean out your emotional closet, this 12-minute ritual is just the thing:
“In a quiet place, light a white candle and set a timer for 12 minutes. With a pen in hand, begin to write stream-of-consciousness style about any unresolved issue with which you’re not been honest with yourself or others. Let the emotions move you, and don’t worry about making your writing legible. At the end of 12 minutes, stop. Don’t read what you’ve written! You’ve purged this negative energy and don’t want to take it back into your consciousness. Crumple the paper up and, in a safe place like a patio or barbecue grill, burn it.”
This ritual actually sounds really fun, but I only have one burning (lol) question: Why in the name of Icarus does the candle have to be white? Will my unresolved issues remain so if I light a maroon one? Please advise.
6. You can finally find out how much goop-label Kool-Aid you’ve ingested, per a quiz entitled, “How Goopy Are You?”
After answering queries such as, “Which of these non-toxic ingredients is not in a goop fragrance?” and “Your friend got you a jade egg for your birthday? Now what?,” I learned that I fell into the category, “We Had You at V-Steam,” which is 100% percent accurate.
7. The following two sentences:
“I want to milk the fuck out of life!” –Gwyneth Paltrow
“For me, when I take off my shoes and walk in the grass, it’s so healing. It’s hard to find scientific evidence for the idea that ‘I feel good.’ But by trying, you get so much juice out of life.” –Gwyneth Paltrow
Leading me to ask myself: Is life a nipple, or a lemon? Perhaps the next issue of goop will have the answer.
Feature photo via Goop.