According to the internet, Avril Lavigne is probably dead and Katy Perry is JonBenét Ramsey who is probably not dead, but I have a decidedly less morbid musician-based conspiracy theory that also needs to be put on the internet: Haim is actually a subliminal sunglasses ad campaign that’s so convincing they seem like nothing more than your everyday hit sibling pop-rock band (possibly a successful Hanson reboot, capitalizing on the subconscious nostalgia of the same audience who fell in love with the three brothers from Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1997 like yours truly, but that’s a whole other conspiracy theory I have yet to pitch 🙃).
Not sold? Riddle me this: Do you own three or more pairs of sunglasses? And this: Do you listen to and/or follow Haim on Instagram? If my paranoia is functioning correctly, there’s a high likelihood that if you answered yes to one, you answered yes to the other. If you answered yes to only one, or didn’t answer yes to either, then I guess buckle up and join me as I spiral; you’re here anyway.
Remember the amazing 2001 Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack and the kinda okay film that went along with it where we find out Parker Posey‘s record label has been planting subliminal messages in pop songs to get teens to buy things? This is basically like that except instead of things, it’s sunglasses, instead of lyrics, it’s stylish photography via Instagram, and instead of Rachael Leigh Cook, Rosario Dawson and Tara Reid (!!!), it’s Este, Danielle and Alana Haim. Don’t worry, I brought evidence. Let’s it break down:
1. Exhibit A: Haim’s Convenient SoCal Origin Story
Este Arielle Haim, Danielle Sari Haim and Alana Mychal Haim are from the San Fernando Valley. Like THE valley everyone talks about when they say “The Valley.” It’s in Southern California, which is notorious for being sunny. Full disclosure, I too have a Southern California origin story and so. many. sunglasses. As a Cal-ih-for-nyuh Gurl, I know firsthand that sunglasses cease to function as an accessory and become a necessity. I know this. And I think whoever runs the sunglasses corporations of the world and whoever runs Roc Nation also know this. Because you’re probably thinking: They’re also ladies from the L.A. area, Erica. Maybe they just need sunglasses as much as you do? Did you ever think about that? Yes, that’s literally all I think about because that’s what what they WANT us to think and WE’RE THINKING IT.
2. Exhibit B: This Kinda Boring Chart About Eyewear
I took a grand total of one (required) statistics class in college so I know how important it is to have graphs and charts to point to when making claims in the real world. If you carefully study this super scientific chart I found by googling “sunglasses market trends,” you’ll notice the steady upward tracking of shares. But what I really want you to notice (and what They probably don’t want you to) is that this chart starts in the year 2014. Interesting. Do you know what happened at the end of 2013? I give you…
Yes, ladies and gentleman, Haim’s debut album was released September 27, 2013. Rest assured, I did take a step back and wonder if this whole theory was simply a case of the ol’ Baader-Meinhofs — if I’m just now noticing all the impressive sunglass-wearing due to the promotion of their long awaited album “Something to Tell You” and because I can’t come to grips with how many pairs of sunglasses I own. But then I stopped being a sheeperson (help, what is the singular form of sheeple, or does that not exist because the very definition of sheeple is to be a collective?) and woke the fuck up, because four WHOLE years ago, this is how we first met Haim, folks. Legs crossed, lawn chairs out, sunglasses on.
4. Exhibit D: This Suspicious Interview With Haim’s Stylist
When I saw the headline for this interview in my Facebook feed, I immediately clicked it because I had to know: Is the stylist picking all the sunglasses? Are the sisters picking the sunglasses? Do they swap?! Tell me the brand names and colors and styles of ALL THE SUNGLASSES! But alas, there are ZERO mentions of sunglasses whatsoever (I read it and later Command + F searched for “sunglasses”). Again, rather interesting to omit any mention of such an integral part of Haim’s aesthetic. The lady doth protest too much, methinks, if you know what I mean.
5. Exhibit E: 90 Percent of Haim’s Instagram
The most damning evidence of all. Proceed with caution.
When was the last time you bought new sunglasses btw?
You could use a new pair, huh?
buy
some
sun
glasses
Do it.
Do it now.
I rest😎my 😎case😎.
