If you need proof of Hillary Clinton’s stamina, look no further than her intensely grueling schedule and superhuman personal habits. After some light Googling, I discovered that she:
+ Wakes up at 5:30am
+ Practices yoga
+ Seamlessly color coordinates her blazer to her trousers
+ Works for 14 hours
+ Watches two hours of television, including the news
+ Reads for two hours
+ Talks on the phone for at least two hours
+ Snacks on raw jalapeños
+ Winks at the glass ceiling
+ Falls asleep on command (But not for more than six hours! That would be weak.)
+ Oh, and campaigns for President of the United States
Every single day.
I naively agreed to adopt her lifestyle as my own for one week, deciding to start with the easy stuff and work my way up to the hard stuff. (That’s the beauty of having no one to impress besides the internet, my parents and my dying succulent.)
Watching two hours of television seemed like a great way to kick things off. In a 2015 interview with South Carolina Democratic Party Chairman Jaime Harrison, Hillary Clinton revealed that her favorite TV shows are The Good Wife and Madam Secretary. Both of these shows happen to be based on her own life. Can you imagine?? For me, that would be like watching a show called 24-Year-Old Social Media Editor With Slightly Asymmetrical Breasts, which mysteriously has yet to be picked up by HBO.
I blow through two and a half episodes of Madam Secretary — my new favorite form of entertainment for when I want to feel cozy but also informed. Then I meditate for 20 minutes, 15 of which were spent thinking about how great Téa Leoni looks in a white button-down.
I feel like that satisfies my Hillary Clintoning quota for one day, but for good measure I force myself to try and fall asleep at 11:30 p.m., Hillary’s alleged favorite bedtime. Two cheerful hours of insomnia later, I finally pass out.
The next morning, I decide it would be fun(ny?) to wear a makeshift pantsuit every day for the remainder of the diet. By “makeshift” I mean that I do not own any actual suits, so I “make” them myself using various color-coordinated items from my closet. The final results look less like a Presidential campaign wardrobe and more like a last minute group Halloween costume interpretation of a Crayola box, but you can’t say I didn’t try.
I’m pretty pleased with my creations until I try on a stunning crimson Altuzarra suit that our Market Editor, Elizabeth, called in for my mock-Presidential portrait. I take one look in the mirror and give up my DIY pantsuit side hustle for good.
By the third day of living like Hillary, I feel ready to take on some of her very unique eating habits.
In a 2016 Interview with Us Weekly, Hillary confessed, “I love to snack on hot chili peppers, and I put hot sauce on everything.” Also: “Chocolate is my weakness … as are Goldfish.”
I try incorporating as much spice into my meals at possible, starting with breakfast: two scrambled eggs drizzled in Tabasco and a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. I ask the Starbucks barista to make my latte extra spicy, but I think it comes across as sexual innuendo. My bad.
According to Hillary’s secretary, Hillary was at one point known to show up for work with a big plastic bag of lettuce and eat out of it all day. Since I wouldn’t eat plain lettuce out of Channing Tatum’s freshly washed hand, much less a plastic bag, I compromise and order a spicy Thai salad from By Chloe for lunch. Lettuce + spice = Hillary fist bump.
My dinner incorporated a sad total of zero Hillary Clinton taste preferences, so I chased it with a small pack of goldfish and three Hershey kisses.
Later that evening, I attempt to check off another Hillary habit with a two-hour phone call. My mom is the only person nice enough to indulge such a terrifying suggestion, but we only make it to 37 minutes. A line has to be drawn somewhere, and for me that line is when the conversation turns to ecru carpet swatches.
The next day was a Thursday, which seems like the correct point in the week to tackle alcohol consumption. When Hillary and Senator John McCain were touring Estonia in 2004, they challenged each other to a drinking game with shots of vodka. Hillary allegedly won the game at four shots. Legend.
I meet up with some friends for dinner at a restaurant called Tijuana Picnic after work. Unlike Hillary, I can’t just immediately start taking shots, because I am a delicate flower. So I order a Moscow mule with chile-infused vodka to ease myself in. The chile infusion, a nod to Hillary’s affection for jalapeños, was so spicy that it makes my lips swell with irritation. It is very unpleasant. I finish the drink.
When I meekly challenge my friends to a vodka shot competition, they tell me to go home and give my mouth a milk bath.
On the last day of my Hillary Clinton diet, I really step things up. I set my alarm for 5:30am, wake up, laugh, cried, pee, water my dying succulent, get back in bed and snooze until 6:42am. I finally force myself to get up and hightail it over to Sky Ting Yoga studio in Chinatown for a 7:30am class. It’s so easy being Hillz.
I get to the office early and set a 14-hour timer on my phone, intending to work straight through with zero bathroom breaks and only, like, ~15 snack breaks. As the Social Media Editor of Man Repeller, my daily responsibilities have very little in common with the daily responsibilities of nominee for President of the United States, but that doesn’t stop me from approaching them with the following attitude:
As I craft tweets, Facebook posts, pins, Instagrams and zindlepooches (that last one is not real–just wanted to make sure you’re paying attention), I repeat various Hillary Clinton quotes under my breath:
“I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession.” Me too, girl.
“I really do hope that we have a woman president in my lifetime.” DON’T BE CRAY, Hillz.
“Delete your account.” Classic.
It’s too bad this Hillary Clinton lifestyle is only supposed to last five days, because if I had a sixth day, I would obviously plan to become the first female partner at a law firm, give a speech at the U.N. Women’s Conference, win a Grammy, co-sponsor an equal pay bill, broker a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas and travel 956,733 miles as America’s chief diplomat. But hey — a deadline’s a deadline. And right now I really want to trade in this pantsuit for a pair of sweatpants.
Feature photo by Krista Anna Lewis; photo of Hillary Clinton by Kevin Lamarque.