Those pesky Hinge prompts, huh? The blank canvases below the dating app’s preset questions boggle the mind. While this dating app seems to be the crowd favorite amongst urban twentysomethings, filling out the predetermined prompts feels like walking a metaphorical tightrope. You want to make your prospective love interest curious about the psychological maze that is “you,” while also attracting someone who shares the same values or sense of humor that you do, but without belaboring the prompts and coming off as someone who took too much time fashioning the world’s best dating profile.
Ultimately, these answers supposedly serve to persuade someone into thinking—knowing—that you’re dateable. But how, exactly? Feeling generous of spirit, I buckled down and crafted a series of answers to existing Hinge prompts for you to borrow—each of them guaranteed to increase your yield in the cyber dating arena. All you have to do is plug in these answers, sit back, and watch your phone blow up with push notifications.
I know the best spot in town for:
Seeing more rats in 10 minutes than you’ve seen in your entire life.
Favorite holiday tradition:
Reading Infinite Jest cover to cover by the fire each solstice.
I’ll fall for you if:
You appreciate the small things. Namely, guppies.
We’re the same type of weird if:
You think Cellino & Barnes are hot.
My most irrational fear:
That there’s a whole person living in the crawl spaces of my home.
I’m overly competitive about:
The one thing I’d love to know about you is:
If you treat Hinge like it’s Streeteasy or TaskRabbit.
I’m actually legitimately bad at:
Drinking water without indulging in a petrifyingly loud, gong-like swallow—should we end up together, this characteristic of mine will haunt you for the rest of our days.
A social cause I care about:
Worst fad I participated in:
Standing hip’s width distance apart.
All I ask is that you:
‘re half as good as I am at coming up with wedding hashtags.
I spend most of my money on:
I’m weirdly attracted to:
Cellino & Barnes.
We’ll get along if:
You take no issue with me DM’ing my favorite Instagram babies to you after the second date.
Dating me is like:
Staring directly into the sun.
I’m convinced that:
There’s a whole person living in the crawl spaces of my home.
Graphic by Lorenza Centi.