Let’s indulge together in a brand-new holiday tradition.
Step one: Take a shot of eggnog.
Step two: Light your scented holiday candle of choice. Inhale deeply.
Step three: Take your go-to winter LBD out of your closet (if you need help finding it, it’s probably short and stretchy and velvet with faint white deodorant stains).
Step four: BURN IT! (or, you know, donate it to Goodwill, but please employ the appropriate mental pyrotechnics to permanently sever all attachment).
Step five: Swallow your panic at the impending necessity of brainstorming outfits for the gazillion holiday parties on your December calendar, and bask in the knowledge that together we will conquer the following age-old question: “What the hooternanny should I wear to these festive occasions that *isn’t* a snoozy LBD or an abominable snowsuit??”
For an extended family gathering that will likely involve pie and mandatory group Scrabble:
This one’s tricky because you need to wear something your great aunt Beverly will deem appropriate — but also something that won’t make you fall asleep out of sartorial boredom before your littlest cousin figures out how to spell “octopus” on the Scrabble board. Take care of the first portion of that equation with a very mature-looking sweater, ideally involving aggressive shoulder pads that will make your great aunt Beverly feel like a style maven in her tweed Christmas suit from the ’80s. Then mix in a couple things for you and you alone: a tutu-esque skirt reminiscent of Carrie Bradshaw’s most iconic ensemble, furry clogs and a middle part that could slice an awkward political conversation right in half.
For your office holiday shindig:
For the inevitable black-tie gala you regret saying yes to:
Back in September, when you were tan and innocent and it was 71 degrees outside, you probably RSVP’d to a December gala or two. It’s fine. You were drunk on Aperol spritzes and non-surge Uber pricing. But now nippleitis season is in full swing, and you have little-to-zero interest in emerging from your self-imposed sweatshirt cocoon. Well buck up, Buddy the Elf. There are champagne flutes to be drunk and mini mac n’ cheeses to be savored. Put on your finest floor-length sequin skirt, but don’t take off the sweatshirt.
For a cozy holiday dinner with friends of the double-X-chromosome variety, possibly followed by dancing:
“Dressing for other women” is one of the greatest joys we have in this life, so let’s take advantage. Wear something on top that in most settings would require an entire roll of boob tape, but skip the boob tape altogether because it’s 2016 and the night is young. Add high-waist black pants that fall right below the ankle, pointy mules and a bag that looks like a miniature obstacle course.
For a date at a fancy restaurant, after which you hope to partake in some heavy cuddling:
It’s cuffing season, so don’t skimp on the cuffs.