There’s nothing like rolling over in the morning as though it’s my birthday, my phone, a gift box of potential beside my pillow (Who texted me?! Who liked my Instagram?! Who drunk dialed me at 3:35 a.m?!), only to find a mere notification from my goddamn service provider that I AM OUT OF STORAGE.
THESE TECHNOLOGICAL CUMULI DON’T DO SHIT EXCEPT RAIN ON MY PARADE.
At least it gives me something to do five minutes later as I sit on the edge of my bed and procrastinate life — delete, delete, delete. All superfluous photos must be cut in the name of an overstuffed phone. If your days start the same but you and your memories have a hard time parting ways, here’s what has to go:
Screenshots
My first piece of advice for anyone going on a date, always, is to check your phone for incriminating screenshots: text conversations that you sent to best friends for analyzation, your ex’s new person’s Instagram, profile visuals of your upcoming Hinge date. Get them out of there. All it takes is one accidental upload or a carelessly loaned phone and your cover is blown.
Concert Photos and Videos
It takes about 100 photos to get a good shot of the stage. Delete the ones you didn’t post to IG. Same with concert videos: unless it’s your absolute favorite song in the world or an iconic moment or you’re a Phish phan, you will never revisit it again. Especially if it’s mostly you and your friends going “OH MY GOD” and “WOO” in the background.
Anything that makes you mad, sad or unproductively nostalgic
Channel Marie Kondo here and ask yourself, “Does this photo spark joy?” If it incites rage, get rid of it. If it causes tears, spirals or “I miss you,” delete it and then delete that from your trash. If it bums you out but you suspect the blues are only temporary and it could serve as a helpful or happy reminder that you’d like to one day share with your kids or whatever, upload it to your your computer then get it off your phone. Social media already makes it hard enough.
Nudes
By all means, take a nude whenever the mood strikes and send said nude to whoever you so choose (maybe make sure they have a head’s up it’s coming just in case they’re in a small elevator with their boss?) but then get it the hell off your phone after. It’s just really awkward if you’re swiping through vacation photos with your parents when BAM! Your butt.
“Hey, Look How Gross I Look” photos
I love sending an “I am the walrus” shot with a smattering of pimple cream and a terrifying face mask to my friends just as much as the next person with a beating heart and discerning eye, but you gotta get these off your phone. They will haunt you at the worst moments. And they are often very hard to explain.
Selfie Attempts
No one needs to know how many shots it took to get the perfect one you posted. Keep up the mystery and the good work!
Anything Illegal
We need you to run for president one day so get rid of anything potentially damning now. At the very least you don’t want to get grounded.
Old Memes and GIFs
If it’s not a meme or GIF that you circulate on the regular, get it out of there. It’s taking up storage space and Salt Bae needs room to marinate.
Old Reminders
If you take photos of to-do lists and parking spots, as I so often do, delete them once you’re done/have located your car. Delete them especially if you never completed the list or found your car because you don’t want to look back and be sad.
Over-ambitious inspiration photos that make you feel like WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nothing is wrong with you! But there’s a difference between that which inspires and that which makes us feel like turtle burps. You are no doubt just as cute but SO MUCH MORE than a turtle burp! Take a photo of the thing you’re most proud of currently instead. Favorite it. Delete all this other crap.
Ahhh. Doesn’t that feel better already?
Illustrations by Maria Jia Ling Pitt; follow her on Instagram @heysuperstar.
