I certainly can’t be the only one who re-watched the Sound of Music over the holidays just to see Liesl Von Trapp run around inside a gazebo with a towhead named ROLF singing, “I am sixteen going on seventeen!” When the New Years meme that inspired this cinematic viewing hit the web (seriously, bless the internet — 2016 going on 2017, do you get it?) I was all up on my Amazon Prime account faster than a shooting star. Tell me in the comments if you feel me. Speaking of shooting stars, we’re here for your January horoscope, are we not? Susan Miller on the Astrology Zone kick drum, click your sticks and start us off!
Capricorn
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAPRICORNBREAD!!!! If you’re not typically one of those SOUND THE ALARMS IT’S THE DAY I EXITED FROM A HOT WOMB EVERYONE REJOICE AND NOTICE ME kind of birthday person (no shame in that game if you are) well, guess what, this month you might be in the mood. “Capricorns tend to live their life backward with heavy responsibility early in life,” says my left- and right-hand woman — my angel and my devil — Susan Miller. “[A]s they get older, Capricorns move into a more carefree, young lifestyle.” Here’s another fun Capricorn fact! “Capricorns are the one sign known to produce the most centenarians – those who live to be 100 or more.” Who the hell knew?? No I don’t feel like fact-checking that. Let’s talk ‘scopes instead!
January 8th marks the end of Mercury’s retrograde, a celebration in and of itself for sure, but don’t get too cocky with paperwork and underwater technology because the effects don’t totally wear off until the end of the month. Start planning your big goals for January 12th or after, and ignore everyone who annoys you around that same date. The 12th is going to cause a few rashes across all signs. The ointment is time — everyone will get over it and come out stronger. Nothing to worry about.
The end of the month is where Susan is focusing all of her attention. It’s going to be a good time for you to ask for a raise (hayy), get a promotion, throw a party, travel, fall in love. It’s going to be a good month. After all, you’re not just a celestial goat. You’re THE G.O.A.T.
Aquarius
If you’ve been feeling out of sorts, blame Mercury. Susan sure did. She accidentally wore one red ballet flat and one black one out in public which actually sounds very Miu Miu if you ask me. Either way, this planet’s dick-trick move is almost over by the 8th, and you’ll be completely rid of its annoying effects by the end of the month.
January 12th is an annoying day for all because of the full moon. Don’t travel if you don’t have to. You need to be fully focused to finish some project that has been hanging over your head. I’m a procrastinator, too, but just imagine how good you’ll feel after you wrap this baby up like a pig in a blanket. (Don’t sign any contracts, though. A big “suck it” to anyone who may have served you papers!)
You’ll finally feel like you have some money in your pocket again by the 27th, and by the 28th, you’re free to get the hell outta town. If you’re feeling like this ‘scope is more of a snooze than usual, listen: Uranus is positioning its butt toward Saturn like a cat in heat, which is going to give you so much cosmic support you won’t even be mad if you walk in on that planetary sex. Big things are coming, aquababy. Make your vision board now for the months ahead and then lean back into that comfy leather recliner of life. (There’s a quarter behind your butt if you stick your hand back there deep enough, by the way. And a peanut M&M. I’ll look away in case you want to eat it.)
Pisces
Oh I’m sorry Pecan Pisces, are you playing hooky as you read this? My girl Susan seems to think that you’re taking the day off! But you know what we both think? That you deserve it. December was chest-nuts roasting on an open fire for you. It’s important to take a little time to ohm from bed.
Nap or not, you’ve got Mars in your sign and that’s a very good thing. “Mars gives courage, determination, and a sexy quality to you that others can’t fail to notice,” says Suz. It means that in terms of career, someone important in your field is gonna be like — Hold up. Who’s that? She looks like she could use a rai$e.
Same thing’s going to happen where your love life is concerned. You’re primed by the planets to catch the attention of every hunky-dory human you’ve ever laid eyes on. Suz said it herself: “Romance off the charts!”
Mercury’s going to make things a little shaky even though it’s out of retrograde and therefore our hair by the 8th. The effects may linger until the 28th, so I wouldn’t carry my cellphone into the bathroom if I were you, no matter how sure-fingered you are while pee-texting. If you do drop it, I guess you’ll MacGyver it out somehow. You’ll be even more creative than usual towards the end of the month.
Aries
Well I swearie, Aries, after the nuts-ass December you had, January is sure to be as slow as molasses. Did you read that in a Southern accent? I sure hope so. Did you read about the time I ate molasses every day for breakfast and it was like swallowing a slug? HERE IS YOUR CHANCE. Sure that was shameless self-promotion but listen, Susan said my career’s gonna skyrocket this month so I’d be a fool to not be my own commercial. Let’s talk more about what she said about you!
Don’t use up your gift card until Mercury’s out of retrograde. You’re technically fine by the 9th, but that planet screws up so much that you’re really better off waiting until after the 28th. There’s plenty you can do in the meantime, though, like…
Home stuff (decorate, organize, paint, remodel) on the 12th. That date is going to be a little tense because of this rude full moon, but everyone will get out of it more than fine and besides, full moons teach us stuff. Or something. Following that, your career is gonna skyyyyyyyy rocket [in flight, afternoon delight!]. Susan also thinks the end of the month might be a nice time to lend a hand to a charity of your choosing.
If you’re looking for love, LISTEN. It’s coming. Next month is your time. Use January as a freebie to do the damn thing. Learn how to joust or something. If you shoot for the moon you’ll aim for the stars!
Taurus
The stars are twinkling for us, fellow Chicago-and-otherwise bulls! Susan said it herself and I’ll be damned if I don’t take that positive prediction and run with it faster that the wind. We’re spending the first part of the month getting back into the groove post-“break.” The 12th will feel tense, but it’s going to be that way for everyone. Susan suggests light travel close to home around that time and I’m just like, if there’s a hotel bathrobe involved, I’m there.
Skipping right to the end of the month — bloop! — there’s a “gorgeous new moon” in Aquarius that’s set to advance our careers. The presence of Neptune makes Susan seem to think it’s related to creativity in some way, shape or form.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!! This month, against better judgement and everything we likely swore off on January 1st, is going to be one big party. Mars, Venus and Neptune are throwing a big old to-do in our honor, which means we’re gonna be throwing confetti in the air like it’s New Year’s Eve all over again.
Single and don’t want to be? The end of January is the time to get out your binoculars and start birdwatching from the bar. Or however you meet men/women. I literally do not know anymore. Megaphone? “HEY YOU OVER THERE, I LIKE YOUR PANTS — WANT TO DATE?” Works like a charm every time. Attached? Grool. No need to heat up your electric blanket on January 20th as it’s bound to be a lovefest. Also, those are dangerous.
Gemini
Okay okay okay SO, Gemin-looking-very-fly, the start of this month may cause you to take a good long look at someone you’re in a relationship with (you know what I always say here in terms of horoscopes and relationship-type stuff: this could mean a business relationship, a friend relationship, etc.). Just know that if there are feelings of tension, they will be temporary. (Saturn’s in your sign which can be uncomfy, but it will teach you those important life lessons.) On to the fun stuff and off to the races!
Money will be top of mind on the 12th. Susan says manage it wisely, but I say by that she means to go buy yourself a fun new something, even if it’s a doughnut.
Your career is rising this month like a dough with an accidental yeast overdose, excellent for career/bread metaphors, not so much for your hoo-ha — BUT we are not talking about your hoo-ha are we? For once!
WE can talk about your love life, though! “Love and romance this month will be best for those who are serious about one another and want to marry,” writes Susan. If you’re single and looking to get tangled up with someone special, the 28th is your day. Olé!
Cancer
Hey crab cakes. We’ve got a nice little orgy happening with with Venus, Neptune and Mars starting at the beginning of the month. “This is a dazzling set of stars,” says Susan, “twinkling above you in an effort to make January unforgettably romantic.” Well if that isn’t exactly the scene I described above in my Sound of Music intro. It also sounds like La La Land to me. Raise your hand if you saw that with your mom over the holidays! Raise your hand, too, if you had mixed emotions the whole way through like, “I think I like this but I also am pretty sure I have never been more miserable during a movie in my life, more so than the time I saw an Ali G movie in theaters on the world’s worst first date.”
Life will be slow around January 8th and it seems like you need a break, so if you want to suddenly get “a migraine” and take a day or two off, Susan says to go for it.
Traveling and love will start swirling around in your sign at this time, even though around January 12th the full moon is going to put everyone in a bad mood. Whatever. Tell that moon it can suck it. Venus and Mars are on your side, however, so you may be luckier than the rest of the celestial FarmVille.
At the end of the month: a major career achievement. And for heaven’s sake, no I don’t know what it could possibly be! I’m a star gazer’s reporter, not a psychic. Put on your ice skates and enjoy January!
Leo
I love lions because they are cats with fabulous wigs.
In other news, I see in your sign that you are going to get into fitness hard this month. Perhaps you can join Libra. She’s thinking of taking an aerobics class so she can really up her brightly colored spandex game. It might be fun if you two do it together. You’re bound to do well at whatever you put your mind and buns of steel to this month, so get at it.
Saturn and Uranus are doing things that involve Vaseline together this month, so together the three of you will just glide around the creative waterslide park of life or something. “Uranus will give you the impetus to experiment playfully,” Susan Miller says. Oh! “Through that process you may display a touch of genius.” Just as you always suspected.
Jan 12th sucks blah blah fast-forward you’ll be fine. There’s a full moon around this same time that may make you feel kind of lethargic but what the hell is sugar for, then? (STOP READING THE NEWS.)
The end of January may steer you in the direction of a serious relationship, and Susan wants things to move fast should you meet or currently know someone. She’s anxious about Venus retrograding from March 4th to April 15th (but honestly, that planet, unlike Mercury, could use a rest). Listen — you’ve never let anyone boss you around in this direction before, right? RIGHT! Do what feels good. You know that’s Uranus’s motto!
Virgo
Incoming from Susan Thriller! “[F]our little heavenly bodies – Pluto, Sun, new moon and Mercury – are acting in a joyful way, giggling and pepping up your house of true love in January’s first half.” If you’re single, enjoy your final days of doing very weird things in your living room that you wouldn’t want filmed because it sounds like you might meet someone ASAP. (Although, my thinking if this person is Meant 2 B then they will do weird things with you.) If you’re attached, you and your ride-or-die will probably make a viral YouTube video where everyone comments under it like, “Goals!”
Sorry for the baby shower you may have to attend on January 12th. Those can be kind of boring unless very good food is served and you’re savvy about who you sit next to. I went to one a few weeks ago and it was outside and lovely and everyone except the soon-to-be-mom packing internal heat was buzzed, so, you know.
January 14th and 15th seem promising! More romance. And by the end of the month, a potential marriage. Either you move very fast, you are on a reality show (I hope you win!) or you think of “marriage” as a general umbrella word that could mean the coming together of two important things. A partnership, if you Will.
You are? Great! Can I have your autograph?
Libra
You’ve got one productive month ahead of you, Liberace. Getting-shit-done-wise, your sign is the equivalent of Justin Bieber in a fur coat in LA: wonderful, terrifying and extreme. Slash that to-do list in half! Don’t let Mercury get you down — this planet and its incessant retrogrades are almost out — but you may feel a little held up, productivity-wise, in terms of home improvements. When this happens to me I just like to abandon all projects midway through and eat or nap instead. Highly suggest.
Susan had a root canal and has to eat on the other side of her mouth for the time being.
There’s a full moon on January 22nd, which, straight up, is going to be an annoying one. Let’s ignore that, too! (You might feel torn between work and home life. My feeling is that if you know this warning now you can move your plans ahead of time and buy lots of snacks.)
There’s a whole lot happening in your 6th house — all good stuff — a ton of which is going to prompt you to get to the gym and Jane Fonda the hell out of a pair of high-waisted, high-hipped spandex. Oh! And good news! On January 27th and 28th, the new moon is brightening up your fifth house of true love, which means you and your significant other are going to get tighter than ever or, if you’re single, you might meet The One. I hope he or she is also wearing high-hipped spandex! For all of our sakes, really. The world could use a little more ’80s.
Scorpio
Scorpioooooh my god are you gonna love this month. If you’re reading this on the day of publish, January 6th, the Sun and your ruler, Pluto, are standing back-to-back with their arms crossed like they are Tia and Tamera Mowry, Sister, Sister style. This means that “[y]our words will have weight and purpose on this day,” per Susan, “and you will be able to negotiate a great deal.”
Speaking of Susan, let’s take a serious pause here because a man spilled coffee on her keyboard when she was trying to write her horoscopes from a coffee shop, and she had to BUY A NEW COMPUTER. Accidents happen but can you imagine if none of us got our Astrology Zone ‘scopes in time because of him! What this taught all of us (my point here) is that Mercury may still be in retrograde (did you forget?) but all the bad stuff of it is used up. Home stretch now.
You’ll be more smart than normal on the 12th, and at the end of the month, Mars is lighting up your house of true love. Oh yes, baby. Go out, mingle, put your fake eyelashes on so that the whole world can see you winking, lure your already currently lover into your den of horizontal dancing — whatever it may be, you stars are on your side. January 20th and 21st will be especially fun days. For everything. Susan was kind of vague so if I were you I’d buy a party hat and see what happens.
Sagittarius
Hey Sagggg <3 Your hooves are looking shiny, hope you had nice birthday month. The new moon that kicked us off this month is putting your mouth where your money is — hay is for horses and half-horse humans alike! — which means you’re going to get your finances in order. (Tell me, do you say fiy-nance, or fin-nance? It’s either-or for me depending on the accent I’ve decided to go with for the evening.) Mars, Venus and Neptune are all having a vibrator party in Capricorn, which means it’s a great time for matters of the home. Susan seems to think you should have a party but maybe you can just invite everyone to the sex toy thing happening with Mars & Co? IDK, it’s like a modern Tupperware fete but no one goes home with a place to store casserole.
Mid-month you might be like [to the world], “LAY OFF ME, I’M ____.” Insert whatever Chris Farley-voiced annoyance you have in that space. Blame it on the full moon and breathe, you’ll get over the bad mood ASAP. (Promise. This full moon is extracting emotional pimples.)
The moon at the end of the month will rule. You inner fire element will be burning, per Suz, and it does not seem linked to a UTI of any sort. She means fire in a good way. Take a trip on the 27th/28th, and if you can’t, whatever: Mars is nuzzling up to Aries in your fifth house of romance until March 9th, so you’re bound to meet someone or build a fire at home should you already have a bed partner. Just remember to pee!
And happy 2017!
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarch Capricorn zodiac sticker.
