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Guess the Real J.Crew Colors

j-crew-color-parody-man-repeller-feature-1

Sorbet-ivory.

Tropical blue.

Heather smoke cocoa.

Heather dusk.

Heather turquoise!

Ocean moss.

Glazed pecan and candy pink.

…Shall I keep going with this mouth-watering poetry?

There’s two more Heathers (olive, acorn) plus a pale peach and an oxford check (whoops, next!) and there you have 11 colors of currently-for-sale J.Crew coats.

Let’s check on the sweaters:

Dried chartreuse, ripe melon, spearmint sprig, fiery sunset…

I think that coming up with J.Crew colors just might be the most relaxing, lovely, wonderful job in the world.

It has to be better than naming nail polish at Essie, because no fumes. It has to be better than tying sprigs of twine around lavender at Pinterest HQ, because no blisters. Color-naming at J.Crew must be like the non-immature, highly meditative version of figuring out your “stripper name.” (The first block you ever lived on plus your first pet’s name.)

What do you suppose their strategy is? Adjective + food item? The first two ingredients of a fancy drink made in a high-end Brooklyn speakeasy that’s served in the kind of glasses that I’ve yet to figure out how to tip toward my mouth without getting all over my hands or spilling? Doing ayahuasca and having a vision of Martha Stewart? Converting old episodes of The Joy of Painting to records and then playing them backwards? Prank calling elves until they get mad and shout their version of expletives?

Do you think I could get a job doing this? Let me try. I’ll intersperse my own colors through J.Crew’s and you guess.

1. Heather honey

2. Green-spotted puffer

3. Nautical green

4. Flowerhorn

5. Pink hibiscus

6. Electric blue lobster

2, 4 and 6 are mine! And you know what I did? Googled “exotic freshwater fish.”

Again!

1. Light hickory

2. Caspian blue

3. Stan Gable

4. Hardy Jenns

5. Dark pacific

Ha! Did I get ya? 3 and 4 this time. I googled “’80s movie villains.” Hardy Jenns is from Some Kind of Wonderful. Stan Gable’s from Revenge of the Nerds and looks like this.

ted-mcginley

1. Polar cream

2. Burnt caramel

3. Cinnamon spice

4. Chilé mocha

5. Iced Caramel Macchiato

First three are J.Crew, last two are off of the Starbucks menu. See how fun this is to do?

And I must say, my stress level has decreased. Zen sunshine, anxiety-free tangerine, peaceful as a pine cone — yes please!

I could go on all day but I’m drifting off into an ocean moss dream. Featuring sugar plum fairies? Sugar plum. That’s one, right? Jenna, Mickey, not to step on any toes, but it should be.

Collage by Emily Zirimis featuring J.Crew cashmere sweater

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

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