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Are Those Fireworks? NO! They’re July Horoscopes!

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Predicting the future is especially fun when it’s 90 degrees outside

Slam some hot meat on the grill, shout at someone in the house to bring you the barbecue sauce you forgot indoors (either before or after you donned an apron that says “Kiss the Chef” because like it or not, you’ve become your dad) and then answer me this: hot dog, hamburger or horoscope?

Actually, it doesn’t matter. Astrology Zone’s Susan Miller is serving up all three.

Cancer 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRAB CAKE!!! I am eating one of you right now! A crab cake, not your sign.

Yes I’ve been drinking a tad. I started around the third horoscope from the bottom (went in a weird order) and then creeped my way up this celestial ladder. It’s more fun for all of us this way, I promise.

Now pinch this off with your damn crab claws why don’t ya.

“This is your month to do exactly as you please,” says Susan DGAF Miller in the intro of your ‘scopes. Is there any better thing for an astrologist to say to you? The planets NEVER let us have free rein of our lives like that!

We’ve got an It’s Complicated With the Moon FB status that has some good stuff and some bad stuff coming with it — bad in the sense that you’re better off singing papers in August if you can, good being that you’re going to be feeling so creative that you’ll figure out a way to change the paper signing date should you need to — AND you’ll feel like crafting!

Venus in Cancer is going to make you sparkly at every party (especially on the 11th — what do you have then?), and Mars, Venus and Scorpio are having some sort of complex non-sexual orgy (sure) that is “making early July a warm, loving, and sexy time.” Susan! She continues. “You will have considerable appeal, and if you are not aware of the effect you are having on others, you may be bewildered by the attention you get. That’s a lovely problem others would like to have!” AMEN.

Bla, bla, bla through the boring stuff, travel the weekend of July 9th/10th (so many signs are told to travel this weekend so that is just f-u-n, and, on an interesting note, you will have the confidence (that you’ve maybe been lacking?) to stand up to someone). Hell yes in your party dress! Focus on your career, shake off the slow-down of Mars in retrograde (it’s over) and let the full moon of the 19th tell its (and your) truth.

Then, honestly, the rest of this month is what we in the biz call a piece of CAKE!

Leo 

OKAY, BIG CATS. Just calm down. I know it’s almost your birthday where Susan Miller plays the role of Rafiki and holds you high over her head, above the kingdom, so that you can see everything the light touches. Until then, Susan wants you to keep things kind of boring. This is called a prep month. It’s where you relax so that you can go hard in August, not to sound like an 18-year-old boy who has just had his second beer or anything.

July is about productivity for you! While everyone else is creeping or sleeping, you will get stuff done. That’s just as much of a luxury as laying on the beach, I can promise you that. Start making your home your priority, too.  Figure out that roommate sitch. Get an air conditioner. Maybe you’ll buy some wallpaper. Maybe get some flooring. Stuff like that. Maybe go to Bed, Bath, & Beyond! I don’t know if you’ll have enough time.

Good god do we have to focus. Let’s talk dates and date-dates, starting with:

On July 6th (TODAY IF YOU ARE READING ON A WEDNESDAY, the summer’s Thursday! A night for lovers!) Mars will text Venus like “hey u up” and Venus will be like, “Was just writing you the same thing!” So what that means for you is that the prospects for love, a new hookup or even a blind date that doesn’t suck will be high.

On the 8th: MONEY! FOR YOU!

It just keeps getting better. On July 10th, the sun is getting glam vibes (not in stores yet, apparently) from Jupiter, which means more money and also, a great time is presented to do annoying stuff like scheduling, signing papers, taking interviews and, what the hell, throwing the best party you ever did see for all the rest of the signs who might be less horoscopally-fortunate than you.

Because then your love life gets better on the 11th and the planet Mars comes to rescue you. Honestly, Leos, if you weren’t such furry menches…

Virgo 

CAN WE JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO GIVE IT UP FOR MY GIRL SUSAN? She slaves over these! They take her so long! Do you know how many words your sign’s ‘scope had, not including the summary? Over 2,000! Over 2,000 words! That is half of a round table for one single sign! So I ask this: Have you thanked your Susan today?

…And have you thanked your lucky stars??? Because Mars’s ass finally just left his “sabbatical” and went direct which means that YOU are going to finally start making all-areas-of-life progress.

If you’re single and looking to jingle the bells of the song of love, now until the 11th are your best days. But remember, best days don’t mean ONLY those days, so if your plans up until the 11th are booked and consist of filing your elbows and plucking out your best friend’s chin hair then honestly, do that! You can always meet someone later. But why not fire up the Bumble in tandem if you’re bored, na mean? And if you want to to be single, be single! Finally, if you’re dating someone, apparently the planetary positioning will make them become your muse. Who knews? Suz. Suz knews.

Do you know what now is also the time for? Joining a club. Volunteering. Starting a new hobby.

On July 8th you are basically the Stephen Curry of creativity and speaking and singing…anything that comes out of you (to keep up the rhyme should we include the word “poo”? Ew. Can’t stop, wahoo!) will be golden. Wow. Missed opp for not throwing “egg” in there after golden, eh?

Always.

Ignore Uranus, save money for an annoying financially-related hiccup and remember: the stars can only take us so far. But only you can prevent forest fires.

 Libra 

Look what Susan wrote. She is so hip!! —> “Everything starts with the new moon, July 4 in Cancer, 13 degrees. You have Venus, Mercury, and the Sun accompanying the new moon, suggesting your career will be popping.” < !!! 

This just might be your time to get famous, Libra-ci. Hope you like wearing rings on every finger and wearing fancy sunglasses and capes because this is going to be the BIGGEST MONTH OF YOUR CAREER FOR THE YEAR!!!! Whaaaat, do you feel like you’re on Oprah? Yeah you do. I don’t know if you know this but the way I write horoscopes is: get super cracked out and tired and work in weird orders and your sign is hitting jusssst in the middle of my strange streak. Shout out in the comments if you’ve ever noticed this before. Now cool it…

Because we’re HEATIN’ IT BACK UP for your love life on July 6th. AKA today. Have you had a DFMO yet? A stranger’s just a friend you haven’t made out with yet.

The new moon on July 19th’s gonna do some weird shit to your home and family sector. On the one hand, we have the good vibes coming in strong where money’s concerned. Sounds like you’re paying your rent this month! On the other hand, we have Uranus in a tight mathematical square. Why that planet doesn’t take fiber is beyond me but it’s going to affect you in an annoying way: a surprise. Ugh. So just eyes on the prize, be prepared for everything from a buffalo denting your car to a client being like, “Hey remember when I said I needed X from you a week ago?” So.

Let’s end on a good note! Once July 11th hits you’re going to be cruising on a love boat into the Caribbean of your heart.

Scorpio

Susan says that your chart screams travel, which…like, Chart, please use your indoor voice. But also, okay, sounds great.

You seem to be pretty lucky this month in career and in money and in general. In general especially because your horoscope was so long that you’re lucky I’m still breathing to sum it up for you. Got cobwebs in my eyeballs. Oh, speaking of eyeballs, Susan went to the doctor for hers and it was a whole ordeal. The reason she tells you about it in your horoscope is because if you go to one doctor this month and they say you’re cool but you still feel like something is wrong, keep on keepin’ on until you find one who’s like, “Okay, Kathy, the reason you have a headache is because you have a Q-tip lodged in your ear and not, as the WebMD forum said, because you ate too many plums.

Omg I literally have no idea what’s happening.

Let’s just do the calendar run-down, shall we?

On July 6th, Venus and her lover Mars are trying out a new vibrator which usually isn’t exciting to anyone not participating in the buzzing but you’ll love this because what it means, for you, is a highly romantic day.

July 8th is a great day to get the hell out of dodge, even if it’s just a few blocks away.

The weekend of the 9th and 10th? BEST EVER. (You can steal that sentence for one of your Instagram captions, if you need.)

Around the 19th, just make sure you have all your hard drives backed up and don’t bring you phone into the bathroom — technical difficulties are predicted for this day because the planets can’t all be in your favor all the time, could they?

Where would be the fun in that? And honestly, what would be the point of horoscopes?

Sagittarius 

MONEY OVER EVERYTHANG.

That is the theme of your million dollar horoscope this month. We’ve got Neptune doing Kama Sutra with the moon which means cash flow for anyone in the creative arts club. We’ve also got Jupiter in Sag doing headstands which means $$$$$$ for doctors, lawyers, professors or anyone who has a job even remotely related to those jobs (don’t you love how welcoming and broad the world of planets can be), and if you don’t fit into any of those big old boxes, then know Susan basically is like, “Well, just find a way to make money and you will,” so I’m thinking that all the Sagittarii in the house should open up an alcoholic lemonade stand ASAP. If ten-year-olds can overcharge for the sober stuff, you can definitely add on a spirits tax and make bank.

Tiny hiccup: Uranus is being a butthole around the 19th. He’s going to try to cause a little bit of drama by throwing a surprise your way — the kind that doesn’t involve party hats — so be on your toes with your arms spread wide as though you’re one of those people who’s a little too dramatic about their balance on the subway. (Like just hold the railing, dude.) If you’re not surprised for the surprise then you can’t be surprised or caught off-guard. Just the opposite! EN GARDE! You’re a toreador — hear you roar.

I know I just said money over everything but let’s be somewhat couth and extend the discussion past Benjamins, shall we?

Okay, let’s see. You’re gonna be working hard…you should go to the doctor and get your routine checkups out of the way now…if you need bunion surgery, now’s a good time…your relationships will stop being so confusing soon…

Ugh, yeah. That was boring. Should have stuck to the money. Good thing it’s sticking to you!

Capricorn 

The Bachelorette’s JoJo Fletcher is technically a Sagittarius but uh, your sign is sounding an awful lot like the show. July is all about making commitments and, knowing you, there are at least five thick-necked options (in a few areas of your life like love and career and what to eat for dinner) for you decide between — but you seem ready to hand over the final rose to the winner of each category!

Here are some ideas and dates to help you make the final decisions in case you don’t have a Chris Harrison in your life:

On July 6th, throw a party so that you can introduce your steady hookup to your friends and let the outcome determine your DTR.

On July 8th, get the hell outta town to help you clear your head and let the answer about something larger come to you.

On July 19th, the Sun is drunk and sextiling Jupiter which will mean great opportunity for you and honestly, just a Shonda-Rhimes-style “yes.”

You may or may not have heard that we have Uranus being a real dick, surprising you on a day when he knew you were going to be sweaty and cranky and tired and not in the mood for company, but it’s nothing you can’t handle and it’s everything that will make you a better you. Even though you’re already pretty great. It’s July — time to let loose. You could always ignore everything I just wrote and for the sake of summer, celebrate.

Aquarius 

Do what you want with this information but Susan Miller thinks you’re better off sticking out July in the office and taking your vacation time in August. If you’re reading this from the beach like “….oops,” then just ignore this because I can’t even punctuate that sentence so what do I know. If you’re like, “Oh thank god I didn’t book those train tickets,” then now you know why you read these things. Spread the gospel to your friend who thinks horoscopes are a load of hot wet laundry that someone forgot to put into the dryer for 10 days.

The reason she wants you in the office isn’t because she’s a mean boss, of course. It’s because this July your career is on the rise thanks to Mars who, ironically, just came back from a long-ass retrograding vacation but like, seniority rules I guess? IDK. Good luck arguing with planets if you disagree.

Okay so we’ve got heavy highs on the career front — especially July 19th when Susan advises you find a way to work from home so that you can actually get stuff done because what you’re going to produce is gold — and we’ve got heavy weights at the gym. Suzan wants you to focus on your fitness. Are you shouting into your computer, “TELL ME SOMETHING FUN”?

“Once Venus enters Leo on July 12,” writes my girl, “Venus will bring her candlelight glow into your seventh sector of committed love.” It’s especially helpful if you’re already dating someone because this is sort of Susan’s way of telling you to renew your vows like all of the reality TV show stars do when they run out of content. But it’s also helpful if you’re kind of shy. You’ll have more words than usual so you’ll feel encouraged to get up on those dating apps, swipe yes and start convos with something a biiiit more engaging than the emoji girl raising her arm + “Hi.”

Pisces 

“[Y]ou have a little party of four heavenly bodies congregating in your fifth house of true love, fun, leisure, and creativity,” Susan Miller wrote. Normally I’d tell you to go to the doctor for that kind of thing, but she seems confident that it’s going to mean one joyous month ahead for you.

For starters, it’s going to be romantic AF. I’m sorry, “AF” doesn’t quite work in the romantic sense of things, does it? It’s going to be romantic *AML: As Making Love. If you’re single, you won’t be for long. If you’re locked up, that relationship is going to melt into the soft, drippy part of a candle in a Ricky Martin music video and warm your body. (July 6th is THE day.)

For your salad course, it’s going to be very relaxing. The universe apparently knows you’ve been working hard and wants to throw you some galactic PTO.

The soup course today will be an uptick in creativity. Writer’s block banished, you’ll be a flurry of ideas.

You do have a little bit of Pluto opposition happening which could cause some drama (with a friend who may not like the new person you’re dating or something dumb like that), but all good meals have at least a five-minute intermission for heart burn and acid reflux, do they not? The planets will be your Tums here. Let Pluto pass.

Ah, now the main course. It’s an excellent time to travel, to “kick up your heels” (Suz’s words) and possibly do one of those No Regrets Instagram jumping pics, and even with all that hoopla you’re bound to make strides in your career.

As for the dessert? Why! How about a piece of Apple Pi-sces?

Aries 

You know your ruler, Mars? The one who’s been taking a backward and upside down nap like a drunk monkey on a a car going the wrong way? Yeah. Well someone finally brought him a cup of coffee, gave him a cold shower and told him to shape the eff up because he’s up, he’s back and moving forward. This means so many good things for you, mostly including the fact that your life won’t feel like it’s being sucked down a foreign toilet. It’s bursting up toward the sky instead like a bidet!

You’re going to make progress in terms of:

Relationships (familial, professional, roommatial)
Creative design
Money
Career
Woo!

On July 8th, Jupiter and Mercury will be in a special kind of alignment called a SEXTILE. A SEXTILE means opportunity, but you have to plant the seeds and then encourage them to grow. Maybe start with a, “Hey, you up?” The SEXTILE will keep up and quicken the momentum.

On July 16th Suzy fears mixed messages. This is a potent weekend, and it might be easy to overestimate your powers, so by all means, “feel strong but within realistic bounds.” AKA, remember that you cannot fly, nor are you very good at climbing roofs in general. Keep your fun on the ground. And wear a helmet! But as for that heart armor, take it off. Around July 11th you’re going to start being a love magnet, and the pull will only grow stronger as you get deeper into July/early August. Hubba hell yeah.

Taurus 

Guys have we been super whiny? Because Suz opened our ‘scope up with a soothing note that “life is improving every day,” and if the fact that those white jeans you thought you ruined came out of the wash with nary a SNEEZE on them doesn’t give merit to her statement, then maybe you need some planetary facts: Venus, our ruling planet, is getting all cozy on Jupiter, Kel Mitchell’s favorite planet (and the one of good fortune).

Their holy union links up love and travel, which means I hope you’ve been working on your fake doctor’s signature. You’re gonna start getting a lotttt of chronic migraines that you need to attend to…on Fridays, strangely. And Mondays, too. (That’s enough time to do quick popover to Capri or at least Bermuda, no?) It’s important you get away — even if it’s an hour outside of your routine — because that’s where you’ll find new love (!!!) and recharge love that exists.

We have Uranus mooning the planets in Cancer to look forward to, which essentially means that as the planet of surprise pulls down its pants to flash its peach emoji at some sort of juvenile prank, every sign will be met with a shock. Not sure what kind. But I really like what Susan said about Uranus in general:

“I feel that the cosmos has a plan for us and interjects Uranus’ unpredictability so that we will learn to become resourceful, flexible, agile, and creative when we meet up with obstacles we don’t expect. When Uranus is well aspected, we get unexpected help.”

Um, apparently that “help” bit won’t happen for the first half of this month — we’ll actually have to troubleshoot, but per Suz, the little engine that could, “the point is that you can.”

Gemini

TAKE COVER!!!! There’s a whole lotta money about to rain down on your head. Want a raise? Ask for it. Thinking about taking up literal gold-digging a la California in 1849? Now’s the sweet spot you’ve been waiting for! You’ve got the sun, Venus, Mercury and the moon filling up your house of earned income and it’s the only time, ever, that you’ll be glad to watch something overflow.

If you have to give a speech and are somehow able to control the dates, the 8th is your stage. Just full on charisma blasting out of your pores and vocal chords. You’re like Obama. In fact, you might impress someone with your speaking abilities (clients, boss, wedding audience or otherwise) so much so that they ask to live with you (I don’t know, needed a segue) because the following days, July 9th and 10th, are ripe for that good real estate/need-a-new-roommate jive.

Looking for love? –> July 11th ALL THE WAY until August 4th. Bat your eyelashes at the damn world.

There’s a full moon on July 19th that’s gonna make you feel like a powerful/natural/dangerous woman (Pluto’s seeing to that), and for this round of Favorite Things Susan Miller Has Ever Said, your sign’s ‘scope wins with: “The only fly in the oatmeal will be Uranus.” They call that “butt porridge” in the old country.

But eye roll-whatever re: Planet of Butts, because like I just told Team Taurus, Susan Miller say there’s a purpose for Uranus’s surprise shit storms, and that purpose is that they make us stronger trouble-shooters. Seriously. There’s something satisfying about googling it yourself.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarsh Cancer zodiac sticker while they’re hot!

july-horoscopes

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

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