I Captioned Kim Kardashian’s Instagrams

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 01: (L to R) Saint West, television personality Kim Kardashian West, and North West leave their Midtown Manhattan hotel on February 1, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Raymond Hall/GC Images)

ICYMI: Kim Kardashian West has a new Instagram aesthetic. She started rolling it out on January 3rd, 2017 with this post — captioned simply, “Family” — and the fun hasn’t stopped since. The images have a very distinct quality; they’re grainy and kind of sepia-toned, like they were taken on a disposable camera in 1995 or something. I’m not sure what inspired the overhaul or how long it’s going to last, but I’m mainly curious who the mastermind is behind her personal rebranding. What a neat gig! Whoever you are, you’re doing a great job turning Kim into a millennial Norman Rockwell — no easy feat. The visual narrative is spot-on. I’ve got a bone to pick with the captions, though. They don’t do the photos justice. In any big marketing campaign, the images are important, but so is the copy. What would the Nike swoosh be without “JUST DO IT” emblazoned underneath, or the annoying Verizon dude without his signature line, “Can you hear me now? Good.”? The same principle applies to Kim’s Instagram charm offensive.

So I took matters into my own finger pads…

Revised caption: I know there’s plenty of room to recline farther away from the edge of this velveteen lounging stage, but I didn’t formally change my middle name from Noel to Danger for nothing.

Revised caption: Oh no! rain! So accidental.

Revised caption: Sometimes Kanye’s upper lip smells like a stale lima bean.

Revised caption: This is a screengrab from my audition tape for Westworld season 2 episode 3, wherein Guy Fieri purchases all the robots and puts them to work in his test kitchen.

Revised caption: This position is the most comfy for all my human parts.

Revised caption: Two out of three people in this photo are asleep.

Revised caption: I know it’s rude to point, but Kanye was doing naked tai chi in the backyard againnnnn and it just cracks me up every time.

Revised caption: Tick check.

Revised caption: Kanye’s favorite midnight snack is butternut squash soup, which incidentally inspired his new hair color.

Revised caption: Do you ever hang off the edge of the nearest sofa and wait for someone to compliment your weenus?

Revised caption: Saint’s fingers are the best detangling product. They keep my locks shiny and smoother than a freshly waxed bowling lane. #ad #sponsored

Harling Ross

Harling is a writer and was most recently the Brand Director at Man Repeller.

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