Are you considering sticking your face in the communal pot of coffee today rather than fill out another spreadsheet? Don’t! Just quit. Do as the memes tell us to do (buy a ticket, ditch your belongings, get a tan, fall in love) and then just as you’re starting to worry about how long it’s been since you’ve seen a dentist, come on back to the real world and join a start-up!
That start-up life is the answer to all your problems. It’s the antidote to boredom and soul-crushing tasks. Start-ups promise community and culture. And hoodies. What did your old job give you? Carpel tunnel of the wrist and take-home work, I bet.
And if you’re currently in the midst of a funemployed existential crisis post-Burning Man and you don’t know what you want to do? Well, that’s what I am here for: to help you discover you.
If you: are not a morning person, hate roosters, use blackout shades, would go without a shower so long as it buys you an extra ten in bed and have considered dousing your lower half or a mattress partner in sorry-that’s-not-warm-apple-juice just to avoid getting up for the bathroom, then you should join…
InstaBed: The Bed that Makes Itself
“We Cut Out the Middle Man — YOU!”
About the founders: “We were two college roommates who slept so much that we never made it to class. It was just really hard without our moms around to wake us up and trick us with pretend waffles that turned out to be waffle-scented candles into coming downstairs. They got us every time. Anyway, by junior year we found out the university had dis-enrolled us because it thought we were two fake profiles some senior had created as part of an elaborate revenge prank that coincided with his dreams of being on MTV’s Catfish. Rather than explain what happened and re-enroll, we decided to take this opportunity to figure out what was most important to us in life: efficiency and sleep. Efficiency because then you have more hours to log the Z’s. Sleep because, well, have you ever tried it?
But we also knew we couldn’t spend our whole lives sleeping. It’s really hard to consume rainbow bagels while unconscious, and when we’re not sleeping, we’re really passionate about food — a tale for another day! So, inspired by a TedTalk that turned out to be a graduation speech on the importance of making your bed each morning no matter what, we decided to make a bed that makes itself so that you can spend more time sleeping and less time cleaning up.”
About the product: The InstaBed boasts a patented technology that not only smoothes comforters, tucks sheets and re-stuffs a duvet, it knows when you’re out of the bed. This feature means it will never make itself while you’re still in it so you’ll never have to worry that your apartment is possessed and trying to kill you — sort of like when you’re using a toilet and it automatically flushes while you’re still sitting down.”
Who we’re looking for to join the team: Our moms, but they both said no.
If you: are super into health and stuff, then you should join…
Ass is Always Greener
“Grass-fed green juice, bottled at the source: while you mow the lawn.”
About the founders: You could say we’re real cows!
No, but seriously, we are. We’re two Bovines from Bakersfield, California who were tired of cud and sick of driving all the way to Santa Monica for some decent green juice, only to find that humans kept putting ginger and shit in it. So, we decided to make our own.
About the product: By combining the the natural cud-producing processes of bos taurus with the latest lawnmower technology, we were able to create a device that captures trimmed grass and whirls it into a proper, all natural green juice, then filters it into recycled glass milk bottles from the 1950s while you mow.
Who we’re looking for to join the team: Anyone with opposable thumbs who can also help us get back down the stairs should we ever venture up them.
If you: have a passion for fashion and a penchant for the absolutely unnecessary accessory, then you should join…
“We’re like the Warby Parky of Left Eye Monocles”
About the founders: Oslo and Bernard met in business school during a lecture on the macro structure of microcosms within the doughnut industry. Due to the popular nature of the talk, the two were relegated to the middle of the auditorium where they found themselves unable to view the gigantic PowerPoint presentation being projected on the wall ahead in its intended HD format.
“We both have near-perfect vision save for a small astigmatism in our left eyes and are both also super into prohibition-era fashion. I don’t know if you noticed but both Oslo and I have the sides of our head shaved while the upper part remains disproportionately long, and we both also like to cuff our suspender-held pants so that you can really see our personality — I’m more of a sock guy whereas Ozzy prefers to go ankle commando, he’s a real wild card! We made eye contact about midway through and realized we looked identical, so we became friends.
Later, while discussing potential fashion ventures and market gaps, we recalled the squinty PowerPoint incident and found a hole in the eyewear territory. Regular glasses weren’t in our aesthetic wheelhouse and so we decided to bring back the monocle.” – Bernard, co-founder
About the product: We make monocles designed for your left eye. Why not for the right? Because arbitrary goals are part of our business model. We believe in full transparency which is why our lenses are clear, and for every monocle you buy, we’ll donate the empty frames from whence they came to an Urban Outfitters in need.
Who we’re looking for to join the team: Left-handed people preferred but legally we can’t discriminate.
If you: hate showering but know it’s necessary in order to make friends, then you should join…
“Promising you a powerful shower at the push of a button!”
About the founder: Bess Harris was a blowout-preserving addict who refused to wash her hair more than twice and month and went through dry shampoo faster than a 2nd grade soccer team goes through CapriSuns. Then she read an article about how dry shampoo kills you and she decided, “Maybe I should shower more.”
But who has the time or water pressure, right?
Enter: Shower Cap.
About the product: Shower Cap is like the Uber of hydration. Actually, it’s nothing like Uber, but Bess Harris heard that likening your start-up to “Uber” enhances your chance of fiscal success by at least 15%.
It’s a waterproof pack that you can wear one of three ways: on your back, on your belly or over your breasts in our as-of-yet unpatented bra that distributes the water across both cups giving you an enormous waterbed of a chest. When you’re ready to shower, simply press the easy-to-access button and water will explode — up and out like a geiser — from whichever device you’ve chosen.
**Now with built-in shampoo and conditioner so that you can get that clean-smelling-forgot to properly rinse my hair feeling on the go!!!**
Who we’re looking for to join the team: Engineers who aren’t afraid to get a little dirty 😉
If you: hate taking walks on the beach because it’s boring and you came to tan but love arts and crafts then you should join…
Seychelles’ Sea Shells
“We sell seashells nowhere near the seashore!”
About the founder: “Hi, I’m Donna Seychelles, Nancy Meyers’ set designer’s number one fan. I always loved the look her cinematic beach houses had with vases upon vases of seashells, sand, sea glass and starfish, but where I live, Mars, the closest giant water source — or living organism, really — is planet Earth.
When my husband and I moved here to get ahead of the imminent real estate boom, I anticipated the lack of shells but was devastated to find that there wasn’t even a Pottery Barn nearby. Luckily, Resourceful is my middle name even though I don’t include that in my monogram. I began creating fake seashells and the like out of Mars’ endless supply of jagged cliffs. My Martian friends kept complimenting me and said I ought to turn this into a business, and here we are today!
About the product: Seychelles’ Sea Shells is a seashell, sea glass and starfish subscription box. We send you new shells manufactured by us every month, and because we’re spying on you from this planet, we’re able to tailor each box to your preferences. Customer service at its finest.
Illustrations by Emily Zirimis.