Leaving a Group Chat is a Death Sentence


Did you hear about that girl who left the group chat?

Apparently she was in one with like, 42 people. I know, that’s not even that big. I guess it started last winter because she and a bunch of people went away for the weekend to this cabin together, guys and girls. The chat began pre-drive up so that everyone could organize how they were getting there, and not everyone knew one another, and there was just this orgy of phone numbers because no one had anyone’s saved.

It was super annoying because people were texting their first names but not their last names, so everyone saved one another as First Name Plus Connection to the Chat, which meant that her whole address book was like: Rob Amy Weekend House, Sarah Amy Weekend House, Jamal Amy Weekend House…I don’t think I would have minded. That’s what my phone book looks like from my first few years of being single in this city.

K, so they were all in this group chat and of course the chatting began before the weekend did. There was allegedly a lot of talk about “getting weird” and “who’s bringing the fireball?” and multiple conversations about groceries and alcohol (someone wanted “whoever was buying” to get a bottle of that liquor that tastes like whipped cream, like ????, which prompted a separate conversation about Venmo, which is how people started learning one another’s last names. Oh my god speaking of, I heard that someone Venmo’d the wrong Kyle Weekend House $200 and has been on the phone forever with Venmo trying to get it back.

SO THEN, they all get to the house and everything is fine and normal. Everyone who didn’t know one another met and made friends and somehow there was zero drama, just lots of drinking, deep talks, satanic sacrificial ceremonies, hooking up and nature walks.

When they came back things got…intense? Maybe they all got cabin fever. It was strange. They were all like, obsessed with each other. It was always, “The group chat this, the group chat that,” making plans. Laughing at inside jokes. The title of the group kept changing to reflect the jokes. I heard that they took a blood pact.

Then some of those people added in their friends for the sake of party planning, birthday dinners and anytime a minimum of five chat members were attending the same function together and wanted to introduce a few new members. The induction process is apparently impossible.

And then anytime anyone was bored or lost (physically, emotionally) they’d summon the group chat and be like, “Guys, who’s out???” Or, “Help, where are y’all???”

You know how group chats are: it was just ping, ping, ping, ping! all day long. Ping. Ping. Ping. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Even if you put it on Do Not Disturb, the red notification icon grows and grows and grows…

Rumor has it that it drove the girl crazy. She cracked. Lost it. Nearly threw her phone because of it. So she did the unthinkable one stormy night and left the group chat. WHO DOES THAT?

Then she disappeared forever.

Poof. Gone. They’re saying that the group chat members ate her for their reunion dinner.

Let that be a lesson to us all: you can never leave a group chat. Ever. Or else.

Collage by Emily Zirimis.

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

More from Archive