I have two bad date stories:
1.) The dental surgeon who made me feel the non-cancerous growth on the top of his head at Mission Dolores while gleefully exclaiming, “I’m a Unicorn!”
2.) The illustrator who was “passionate about bow-ties” who fell in the middle of a Starbucks.
Horribly uncomfortable at the time, they are now some of my most treasured memories, the kind that just make me go, ahhh, life. If you date, odds are you have some bad date stories. Here are some of the funniest, weirdest and strangely satisfying bad date stories, culled from the Man Repeller community last week.
Do add your own.
“I started chatting with a guy on an app who wanted to meet up. He suggested a spot and referred to it as a ‘fish place.’ Fast forward a few days, and lo and behold, it is not a seafood restaurant like I assumed, but an aquarium store. This would not have been so tragic it he were to actually engage with me. But I spent a very painful hour walking among clownfish and then eating the ceviche I spite-ordered myself next door (ironically he did not like seafood) while playing the silent game with him and losing every time. Turns out some people have a very high tolerance for silence on a first date, and I am not one of them.”
-Laina 26
“He came all the way on the train from Johannesburg to Pretoria (South Africa) to see me; I was late so I ran towards him (don’t ask me why). At this exact moment, my sandal broke and I fell on my face mid-stride, and pretty much skid along the floor in front of him in the train station. That was our first and last date.”
-Izahn, 22
“Date number two and we got hit by a car. Like, crossing the street as pedestrians and a car smacked right into us…and drove off. The guy is now my boyfriend so in a weird way, #grateful, but also I never want to experience that again.”
-Maggie, 24
“It was a first date with a friend of a friend. I was told he was a fellow cat lover, and that I would love him. So he picks me up for dinner, and his cats are in the back of the car. A little strange, but I went along with it. His cats get VIOLENTLY cat sick, covering the entire cat and myself in vomit. We didn’t make it to the restaurant. ”
-Emmeline Dyer, 20
“My date opened the car door for me; I panicked and slammed it shut.”
-Amelia, 23
“My former boyfriend and I were going on a romantic weekend beach escape, just the two of us. A day before the trip, he asks if his father could go with us. I didn’t like it, but said ‘okay’ (HUGE MISTAKE). What I didn’t know — and couldn’t even imagine — was that his father would stay in our same hotel ROOM! So I spent two nights sleeping with my bra on.”
-Fernanda, 29
“Once had a Bumble date with a medical resident who was coming off a shift, and despite my offering multiple times to push our date back he insisted it was fine. I put on a dress in 12 degree temps and he showed up in scrubs; then immediately went to the bathroom to take gauze off his arms because they were ‘practicing IVs on each other.'”
-Caitlin, 26
“After we had drinks for a bit, he took me to a ‘business meeting,’ which was him making a music video inspired by Tyler the Creator’s ‘Yonkers’ for a Google software engineer-cum-rapper. Then he asked to go to another bar. I was very bored, so agreed. We got in a cab to go to another bar and we pull up outside this apartment building. He goes, ‘Whoops, gave them my address instead of the bar.’ At this point, I wanted to see where the rest of the night would take me. We go into his apartment which is completely unfurnished except for a black leather couch and a colored light which he kept on the ground. We proceed to have a gross makeout sesh for five minutes, most of which he made out with my neck and I stared out his window at the rooftop bar across the street wondering what life decisions had led me here. I left and the next day received a text message from him that was just a photo of me that he had taken at some point the night before. And now we’ve been dating for 10 years! JK, never spoke to him again.”
-Molly, 25
“I went out with a guy I had met at a concert a few days before our date. He was 15 minutes late, ‘forgot his wallet,’ asked for a ride to the bus so he could go to hang out with friends, and… asked for $20 for a train ticket.”
-Montana, 30
“So I had just started dating this guy and we went out to a party because all of his friends were in town for the holidays. I had been sick for a couple of days but somehow decided this party was a good idea. Halfway through the night, the sudden urge to go to the restroom kicked in. I told my boyfriend to take me home ASAP. On the way out of the party he bumped into so many friends he hadn’t seen in a long time… I just waited in the car. On my way home things started to escalate, and yeah… five minutes away from my house it was too much too quick and very bad.. I pooped my pants in his car as I broke down in tears. We’ve been dating for five years now.”
-Valeria, 23
“It was my fourth date, he was stunning, we were still in that slightly awkward getting-to-know-each-other phase. We had a few wines at my place and it was going great! Things started to heat up, the fairy lights were on, candles and incense going, the works. I bent over seductively to grab a condom, his eyes were on me — and my hair caught fire. He screamed, I tried to play it off cool with an ‘oh happens all the time’ kind of laugh. It was so awkward we continued silently, the room absolutely reeked of burnt hair. Traumatic.”
-Felicity, 24
“Well, this is more about what happened after the date, because the date itself was great. Later on at his apartment, in the midst of us having sex (me on top), he blurts out, ‘I have an eight year old son!’ I was mortified and didn’t know if I should get off, keep going or call a cab that instant!”
-Andrea, 26
“For our second (last) date, a boy named Chad (because, of course) took me out for dinner. After explaining that he had been awake for 37 hours and regaling me with tales of abusing Adderall in order to do so, he promptly fell asleep at the table. Willing to give him a second chance, I gently woke him up and we continued our meal… for about four minutes. When he fell asleep the second time, I texted him, ‘Sorry, had to run!’ Left a tip with the waitress and told her he was fine, just tired, and went home!”
-Kat, 26
“He was a dentist who spent the whole evening talking about himself and showing me pictures of his work. As the plates were being cleared he said, ‘Come on, your turn. Ask ME some questions!’”
-Ella, 27
“He dropped super cheesy lines all night, kept applying Blistex lip balm all AROUND his lips during dinner like a clown, and then scooped me up and ‘carried me over the threshold’ of my dorm to make a big production in front of my hall mates.”
-Heather, 47
“First date with a guy who pretended we were being filmed for a reality TV show. Anytime anything went wrong (e.g. when he knocked his glass of wine off of the table), he would gesture to the corner of the bar and say, ‘Simon, make sure you edit that bit out!’ There was no second date.”
-Abigail, 24
“I had a first date with this guy and he asked me to bring my camera with me. I didn’t think much of it but as we walked to dinner ($1 pizza, his choice) he made me take headshots of him against a dumpster for his ‘modeling profile.’ After dinner, he asked to come up so we could upload the photos, then he proceeded to tell me that I needed to dress edgier and smile less. He came up to my apartment and met my roommate. When she walked out of the room, he immediately said, ‘She’s hot! Can I get her number?’ I told him it was time to leave, emailed him his photos, and never talked to him again!”
-Gracie, 21
“First date. He started talking about what I thought of potential baby names. One of the names was ‘Shepherd.’ Its nickname would be ‘Sheppy.'”
-Jet, 20
“The guy was a washed up ex ‘pro’ golfer (he said….), I showed up for a LUNCH date (on a Tuesday) and he smelled like he showered in vodka and was shaking like he was having withdrawals. He proceeds to get out a bunch of merch from a golf tournament going on nearby, AUTOGRAPHED IT, and told me to hang onto it because it would be worth a lot of money. Conversation was awkward AF, he kept high-fiving me, and eventually, I found out he was basically homeless. He never asked one question about me, just spent the entire lunch talking about how great at golf he was and how much money he made and was surprised I had never heard of him. Thank god I had an excuse to leave since it was a workday and I had to get back to the office. I was shaken to my core.”
-Bayleigh, 33
“The first date went well, or so I thought. On the second date he LITERALLY brought his mother! I thought maybe something had happened, but she starts talking before he does and tells me she’s here to ‘make sure her son isn’t dating some whore,’ and proceeds to ask me 20 questions! Do you go to church? Are you a virgin? Are you planning on having at least three kids? I bailed immediately and told him to fuck off and lose my number forever. ”
-Kelsey, 25
“He drove me 30 minutes to an Arby’s. It’s like this famous, larger than normal Arby’s that serves tacos and ice cream in addition to deli meat. He was in love with this Arby’s. It would have been an okay, cute date because I was really into him, but couldn’t shake the fact that he brought me to an Arby’s and we were surrounded by old people ”
-Emily, 24
“He got so high beforehand that he called 911 on himself before our food came out. And when the EMTs asked what had happened, he told them he had food poisoning from eating unwashed fruits. I declined to ride with him in the ambulance to the hospital.”
–Celena, 28
“I went on a date with the literal boy next door thinking it would be sweet if not magical and fulfill all my teenage girlish dreams. When we went on the date, which was at a nature preserve, it was disappointingly awkward and we spent most of the time pulling twigs off of trees in silence. We ended up sitting on a log and talking and all of a sudden, when there was a lull in the conversation, he started leaning towards me and counting down OUT LOUD like he was a spaceship getting ready to say blastoff. He was actually counting down to kiss me! Needless to say, I whipped my head to look at him and say: ‘What are you doing?!?!!’ The date pretty much ended right there, but he still managed to work up the courage to try to make a few more moves on me before the evening ended.”
-Audrey, 20
“On the very first date I ever went on, I was in high school and I really thought that the boy I was going out with was dreamy. My mom got so nervous that I didn’t check in over text after three hours that she called the police and then did a web search and showed up at the boy’s house. Our date ended with a very awkward police conversation and a chat with both of our parents. Pretty terrible, but we ended up dating for two years.”
-Natalie, 19
“First date, he picked me up and had me change into the most western thing I owned. We went country dancing, which happened to be at his family’s annual tradition. To make things better he introduced me to his entire family as his girlfriend. 6 years later and every time I hear boot scootin boogie (luckily which is very rarely) I cringe. Yeehaw.”
-Jessica, 26
“It started on Tinder. I swiped right and so did he. It started out well. We seemed to like the same things and chatted easily so met up quickly. We met in the city — he had planned a bit and I went along and brought my pencils with me as instructed. It then progressed fairly quickly. We ended up in a life drawing studio, got a dollar can of beer each and set up our spots. He seemed to know a few of the people. That was a tick from me — I love nothing more than a man who draws. He then popped out to the loo. And you guessed it, came back in as the model, confident in all his nakedness. I obviously turned red as hell. During the next hour I saw a lot more of that man that I had excepted I would. I mean he executed some very flexible poses.”
-Jessica, 26
“Going on a Tinder date with a guy that, at the end of the date, turned out to be straight, and apparently very confused about guy-on-guy interaction on Tinder. I mean, I didn’t know what to make of the situation. Was he faking it and pretending to be straight out of pure unattraction, or was he very closeted? Or even worse, was he just that lost?”
-Jose, 26
“Thought my date was leaning in for a kiss, but turns out he was just examining my face so he could tell me I reminded him of Kurt Russell.”
-Ali, 29
Feature photo by Justin de Villeneuve/Getty Images.
