How Do You Take Your Morning Coffee?

Oh man. When I set out to write this ditty, née “Trust Me Try It: Coffeemate is the Greatest Coffee Mate,” there was a zero percent chance that I would not surmise the aforementioned really is the greatest coffee mate. That it’s the little things — like texture so creamy it flows seamlessly into your cup as if a silk runner with wind blowing through it, flavor so sweet it soothes dark beans like a hug mid-quarrel. I had a cup sitting right next to me! The mate was swirling around — it looked like it was dancing, summoning my “come hither”: Bring your lips to the cup, it said. I will make you feel good.

And that — feeling good in the most harmless, trivial, and quotidian way — is part of what I strive for these days. But guess what? It’s not harmless. The Coffeemate, I mean. I just learned that they’re embroiled in a lawsuit! I was fact-checking the ingredients, which are disgusting, which I already knew, (corn syrup is, like, the first listed item) only to discover that their asses are being sued because their bottles say there are 0g of trans fats in the product but significant traces of hydrogenated oils, which the FDA mandated are not safe for consumption in 2017, float among several flavors. What the actual fuck? Is this why I can never find it at the grocery store? I have not investigated deeper than a shallow string of google searches, the whole fiasco is nonetheless problematic for a number of reasons, the most unilateral among them that I am newly in possession of a 64 oz. pumping bottle to complement the morning hours of the month of April which will henceforth do no such complementing.

And to think, I had landed upon this fairly perfect equation of three parts oat milk, one part ‘mate. So before I continue, let me just say No. No. Coffeemate is not the greatest coffee mate. But the sentiment remains and if you, too, are in pursuit of the kind of quotidian good feeling that reinstates your faith in the notion that it really is the little things, there’s a way to take the principle of discovering a micro life upgrade and blend it into your routine. For now, I’m back to the drawing board. And specifically fixated on doing something to soup up my morning beverage—it’s what I look forward to most at the top of the day. So, should I take up Jasmin’s recommendation and get a frother? Commit myself implicitly to oat milk once again? Should I puree dates and mix it in? Toast coconut oil and make it a bullet?

How do you make your morning coffee? For the love of roasting beans, please, tell me! I’m newly in need of advice.

Feature photo by Heidi’s Bridge.

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Leandra M. Cohen

Leandra M. Cohen is the founder of Man Repeller.

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