Important Friday information: Apple just confirmed that early next week, iPhone users who upgrade to the latest iOS 11.1 software update (or who buy the X) will be blessed with “hundreds” of new emojis. Hundreds!!!! That is so many more emojis. Technically, that could mean anywhere between 200 and 999, but fingers crossed it’s the former because to be perfectly honest, I’ve been having trouble finding 😏 in my keyboard lately and I didn’t even realize 🤸♀️ existed until yesterday.
Still, I’m titillated by the possibility that my iPhone has been eavesdropping on me and passed a few of my personal emoji hopes and dreams on to Apple for this latest drop. How about a salt shaker? A 😈 with huge hands, perhaps? Or a long overdue transfer of the 🙈🙉🙊 monkeys to the “smileys and people” section because the 😹😻🙀 cats get to be in “smileys and people” section even though they’re animals. Just saying, there are a lot more movies about primates knowing more than we think and vengefully taking over the world so let’s take preventative measures where we can.
In a strange turn of events, the sampling of new emojis that have been unveiled include approximately zero of my above suggestions. But no hard feelings, I still thought of uses for 13 members of the new freshman class in case you like to premeditate your text responses days in advance which is completely normal and encouraged:
1. Trench Coat
When to use: Any time your friends are borderline disturbed by your internet stalking skills and you need to diffuse the tension while still taking pride in your detective skills. Pairs nicely with 🤣 or 😏 for extra self-awareness.
When to use: Any time someone’s like, “My neck is kinda cold, what should I wear?”
When to use: Any time someone’s like, “My hands are kinda cold, what should I wear?”
4. Guy Rock Climbing
When to use: Any time you (I) have to ask your (my) brother what he’s doing instead of answering your (my) mom’s text asking him what he’s doing, so he can relay his response to you (me) in a single emoji that yes he’s alive, he’s just rock climbing, and you (I) can send the same emoji to your (my) mom to save time.
5. Shhhh Face
When to use: Any time you’re slowly sneaking up behind a friend and want to instill a sense of dread juuuuust before it’s too late.
6. Post-Shower Girl
When to use: Any time you need your friends to think you just got out of the shower so they’ll think you’ll meet them on time even though you have no intention of starting the getting-ready process for another 30-40 minutes and will grace them with your presence 45-minutes-to-an-hour late.
7. Steaming-Hot Humble Pie
When to use: After you show up 45-minutes-to-an-hour late.
8. Off-Brand Gandalf the Grey
When to use: Any time you need to end a conversation by confusing the eff out of the other person through sheer randomness of emoji-choice (AKA any time you’d usually use the clown emoji but want to switch it up and/or come off less Stephen King villain-y).
9. Super Angry Potty Mouth
When to use: Any time auto-correct keeps changing everything to “duck” and “ducking,” so, all the ducking time.
When to use: When you’re tired of using the leaf emoji.
11. Orange Heart
When to use: When you love someone and it’s also October.
When to use: When you’re getting ghosted and want the ghoster to know you know you’re getting ghosted, you just want to force them to think about what they’ve done. Most effective when sent in batches of 10 or more crickets.
13. This Lil’ Hedgehog
When to use: IDK, but that thing is so cute.
What emoji itch do you hope finally gets scratched this round?