Market Report: Wear Your Earrings As Nipple Tassels

It feels really weird to publish “normal” stories after an event like Trump’s win yesterday. Not all of the scheduled ones will go up, in fact. We’re moving stuff around, but this one felt necessary because women still need to celebrate being women. There’s a million ways to celebrate (and here are some ways to take action/volunteer and donate) but let me tell you, it feels really powerful to decorate the shit out of your doesn’t-matter-what-size-they-are BOOBS. And thus, I give you:

Look. (Up here.) There are purposeful, important decisions a woman must make about her accessories, like shoes, for example. The greatness of your outfit can depend upon a single pair. It feels good to have an explanation for why you put those pants with that top or those eyeglasses with that dress. It confirms that you’re convicted in your personal style, even if you’re trying out a new persona for the day.

But sometimes…sometimes the answer is why not. That why not is as satisfying as it is liberating.

“Why’d you put that lipstick on?” Why not?

“Why’d you wear a headband?” Why not?

“Why are you wearing earrings as nipple tassels?” Why not. <– You’ll note I left the question mark off here, making this way more rhetorical than any other why not you’ve ever asked.

You definitely do not need a reason to wear your earrings as nipple tassels or knit-nip-piercings this party season. The above slideshow is proof. But if you want some reasons beyond the visual evidence, how about such excuses as:

It instantly updates your sweater!

It’s a piercing without the pain!

I ran out of accessorizing real estate on my more typical appendages and needed another outlet!

The list goes on. Again, not that you needed one. But you definitely do need an earring that you can wear as both a lobe decorator and a boob bow. If not for the sake of your outfit, let it be your holiday season party trick.

Photos by Krista Anna Lewis.

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

More from Archive