Hey! It’s me, your salad. So sorry that I couldn’t make it to your holiday party, but on the way there, I realized that I forgot my quinoa at home. When I finally arrived in your lobby, I locked eyes with someone from my formative years (when I was only lettuce) who shouted in my direction, “Leaf! Leaf!!”
Even though I knew he wasn’t telling me to leave, I took it as a cue to turn around anyway. I retreat when my past and present collide. Plus, I was feeling a little green that night.
I am very delicate, so I wanted to get this admission off of my chest. I was also wondering if, as a friend, you would act as a sounding board for my New Year’s resolutions for 2017. As you know, I am in high demand this time of year. Everyone resolves to eat more of me. Initially, this was an easy obstacle course to run because I would conform to whatever people needed me to be: one day I’d be a Cobb, another a wedge, a Caesar or a pizza out of desperation, but I’m realizing that becoming an edible dietary chameleon only makes me lose sight of myself.
Come February 1st, I’ll be back to lunch fodder, prodded like a pile of fallen leaves in the autumn. My goal is to feel like an entrée, but so what if I’m offered as a side to a filet mignon? My nutritional values are important, too!
Anyway, I don’t want to serve you a mouthful. I do this already, so let’s cut straight to the chase. Here are my resolutions for 2017, one for every month:
1. To always be well-dressed.
2. To avoid wilting under pressure.
3. To be there when you need me and to know when to shuffle to the side when you truly want a burger.
4. To push for my name to be pronounced “sah-lahd.”
5. BUGS. NO. MORE. BUGS. I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT FRESH.
6. To be a hearty canopy over the minuscule windfall of that premium topping, like crispy pancetta, that you didn’t want to pay an extra 75 cents for (but ended up doing).
7. To improve my lunch al desko experience by actually making my way into your mouth and not into the crevices of your chair for you to find later.
8. To not get so cozy in your teeth before your hot server/office love interest/office woman crush/office man crush/skeptical in-law/charming MTA worker/potential new boss/Ryan Gosling happens to pass by.
9. To learn more about supernovas!!
10. To expand my partnerships beyond those with soups and sandwiches.
11. To extend my demographic by being more appetizing to middle-aged parents.
12. To ease up on the kale.
What do you think? Would it be too ambitious to also begin writing my self-help book-cum-memoir, currently titled, Salad: The Food Industry and How I Rocket? Let me know. I’ll leaf you to it in the meantime.