HOLY SHIT SUSAN MILLER, YOUR PROMPT ASTROLOGY ZONE HOROSCOPES WERE SO LONG THIS NOVEMBER. I am not complaining. It was an exercise in practicing my seasonal side-gig as a human cornucopia, which is a nice way to make a few extra bucks. I stretched myself out, naked like a roast pig atop my bed (in my spare time I am a romance novelist!) and read about the moon as it pertains to each of you for hours and hours. Then I let my fingers and imagination run wild.
What we have below is a summarization of Susan’s words and, in the spirit of the month, one turkey fact per sign. (The answer is no, it does not get any better than that. The other answer is no, I won’t mentioning the election AT ALL.) As for what the stars have in mind for you, well, good luck because they’re drunk. Twinkle twinkle, I got a pickle. Take a bite, I just might.
Scorpio
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! You know what I was thinking about in regards to your sign? That Scorpio(n)s are basically just poisonous cats! With that tail?? Ugh. Delight. Since it’s your birthday, I’ll give you your Time.com-researched turkey fact first: “The red fleshy bits hanging off turkeys’ beaks are called ‘snoods.'” Who knewds. Now let’s talk about other red fleshy bits!
“The month opens and you will be surrounded by love and warmth,” writes Suz. “Neptune is…spreading happiness like honeysuckle in the evening air. Rarely have you had a birthday month that holds such potential for happiness.” Do you want me to even write anything else?
Fine. In true Cuffing Season form, you’ll be locking down a lot of relationships this month. There’s a full moon on November 14th that is going to make the weekend that precedes it (November 12th to 13th) Lockdown Town, USA. Or Australia or South America or wherever you may intend to cuff. If you’re not seeing anyone beyond your own reflection, this could mean an important handshake between you and someone in your career is happening instead. That’s great!
If you’re feeling broke, November 29th is a good time to ask for a raise and an amen. People have been noticing your hard work. Hunkering down now until then to save money? Great. Mars is going to make your cushions fluffier and your room so cozy that you’ll have no reason to leave and maybe someone could be so kind as to install a cat door (but not a scorpion door!) on your front door so that your delivery guy doesn’t have to ring the bell and scare the shit out of you even though you know he’s coming. Oh, but do go to parties. Lots and lots of parties. Bring a candle to each one and stick it in the center of every homemade pumpkin pie: It’s your birthday month, dammit! Free-range. Just like a great turkey.
Sagittarius
[ _____________________________ ] <- That was a moment of silence for you to take a breather and not have to read words because you are in a reflective mood this month. October was hazelnuts and you need November to chill out your brain before your BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA (raise your hands in the comments below if your birthday runs from December 1 through New Years Eve, emotionally). Get into this and use your star sign as an excuse anytime anyone bugs you with anything this month! And use your phone less. Susan wrote that because she has a cell phone too, you know, and she gets the stress. She’s basically a millennial.
While you’re sitting cross-legged on the floor, reflecting, staring into that mirror that magnifies your pores, come up with a goal that you’d like to accomplish. This was another Susan-mandated thing to do and I can’t exactly remember which planets it pertained to, but I’d just trust her if I were you. Goals are good, especially because people seem to be saying “goals” less, right?
Hey! On the 14th, a major project that you’ve been working on will come to fruition. Just a bunch of little bloomin’ fruits, like acne that doesn’t suck. You’ll get over a cold at the same time, have career boost on the 22nd, start thinking about launching a new initiative on the 29th (can I come?) and to swirl you all the way back to the top: this first week of November is your time to shine in the divine light of love. I wrote that!
Time for a Time.com turkey fact! “Europeans first taste of turkey came after the Conquistadors discovered domesticated turkeys raised by the Aztecs, and brought them back to Spain.” Olé!
Capricorn
Hey Goat Milk McGee, I have been waiting all month to talk to you again because I learned an acronym the kids are writing, not actually saying (I don’t think), but I didn’t know it was an acronym at first because no one was using periods to splice up the individual letters. Anyway, it’s “GOAT,” which stands for Greatest of All Time. I hope you get that tattooed on you somewhere, or permanent-markered on you, at the very least, while you’re sleeping. You can even do this on your forehead now, you know why?
Because October was all about your career — NOW you can chill. Way to set yourself up for success!
Jupiter, or Jupes as I like to call him when we’re being cute with one another, is going to ensure that you don’t lose any momentum during this downtime, so please enjoy it. You know what life is like when fools rush back in.
In other Suz, she wants you to make a new friend this month. That’s up to you and Drake, but it seems nice. If you’re strictly on the no-new-friends bandwagon, how about doing something friendly with your time, like volunteering or high-fiving people who have their hands out trying to hail a cab? That might be a nice way to meet someone new since bars are out for the count. Do this on November 14th — it’s celestial cuffing season, apparently. Time to DTR with a partner between the ears and sheets or with someone in a professional setting because everything here has 100 meanings.
With Venus in Capricorn adding a little extra somethin’ somethin’ to your milkshake on November 16th AND Mars upping your charm ante on the 8th, I picture flowers wilting in your presence as you walk by and wink like you’re the Hugh Grant of your neighborhood. Am I wrong? Tell me I’m right, though!
One more thing before I go, Mercury is going retrograde (I know, I know) on December 19th but you’ll start to feel the effects as early as December 5th so just make sure you start your holiday shopping now. Or you know, get no one anything — just flash ’em the old megawatt smile.
Turkey fact time courtesy of Time.com! “When European settlers first came to North America, there were wild turkey populations in what are now 39 states and Ontario. Those numbers dropped dramatically over the next centuries; by 1920, they were only present in 21.” Sad.
Aquarius
Oh Bubble Bathhhhh, yoo hoo! (That’s you it’s your new nickname I made it up.) The new moon that we had on October 30th is going to effect your career in the most positive way for the first two weeks of November. If you’re self-employed, Susan suggests that you “give yourself a promotion,” which I love the idea of, and how you go about that beats me but I guess you could do things like charge everyone more and take on celebrity clients, absolutely regardless of what it is that you actually do. Who am I? Who are you?
She goes on to say that you have paid your dues already. You put in that work from 2012 to 2015 and if she is telling the truth then listen, Bubbles, I say embrace life by the balls or whatever that saying is. You’ve got this.
The month’s full moon on November 14th will bring about a conclusion to some home or family matter that you’ve been ruminating about in your head. Ikea or West Elm? Ektorp or The Wayland? (Those are types of moderately-priced couches.) Paint or wallpaper? Kick your roommate out for leaving the toilet seat up or get passive aggressive (in a fun way) instead. The world is your oyster with the full moon as the pearl, really. That’s a metaphor that I use too often, but they say you either use it or lose it and I hate losing things now that I’m 28.
Speaking of Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz and her misfit gang of friends! Mars in Aquarius is giving you energy, courage, optimism and drive from November 18th to December 19th. Man oh man, if I only had a brain. Who needs one with that party you’re most definitely going to throw come November 29th? All any of us will require, from you the host, that is, is an excellent ’80s soundtrack, plenty of drinks and great dip.
Ooh and sorry to bounce around the old cal, but on November 26th, Susan writes that you’ll have “riotous fun” thanks to Uranus sending golden beams to Mercury. I MEAN.
!!! Look over there, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a Time.com turkey fact! “Though there is no specific historical information about turkeys being served at the first Thanksgiving, there was evidently some fowl caught, which could have been turkey. Standish of Standish, an 1889 novel, may have popularized this idea as included a turkey being served at the first Indian and Pilgrim meal.”
Pisces
So much good news for you cheddar Goldfish cracker! This month you are going to be traveling a ton. If you don’t have any plans yet, set ’em up, girlfriend sisterwife! On November 1st, the Sun and Neptune were in divine alignment per my one and only (Susan Thriller Miller, ladies and gentlemen) which means they’re helping you generate ideas. Can I please have some? I just reused the “world is your oyster” joke of mine for the millionth repurposed time up above.
DING DING DING !!!!!!! ! ! ! TIME IS THE SECRET WORD! That means it’s TIME for…!!! A Time.com turkey fact! “Today’s factory turkeys’ brains are about a third the size of wild turkeys’.” Who knew? Apparently neither of us, and that’s what learning is all about!
Back to your horoscope of the traveling pants:
The full moon on November 14th is going to catapult a communications-related project you’ve been working on, and it will earn you the recognition you so deserve from your peers. I wrote piers by accident at first and almost didn’t change it because my fingers are bored, knees are weak, arms are heavy, mom’s spaghetti yadda yadda lmk in the comments if you think I have finally cracked.
For Christ’s sake, visit your brother or sister the weekend of the 12th and 13th.
Oh here’s something important but also super vague: On November 19th, Neptune, your ruling planet, is going to go direct after having been retrograde for a while. NOW. This planet is going to leave you clues that point you in the right direction. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT SUSAN IS TALKING ABOUT BUT, JUST PAY ATTENTION. Eyeballs out and focused on the shoreline like a sailor.
You’ll get rich on the 22nd and 26th. Honestly, I need to end this before it gets any weirder.
Aries
Who said it: Susan Miller or Snoop Dogg? “Rollin down the street, smoking Aries, sippin’ on gin and juice/Laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind).” Kind of both, because Susan Miller said you’ve had money on your mind recently. You still will this month, but man will you be rolling around in dough. It’s like the world’s greatest firm mattress.
You’ll wrap up any final negotiations on the 8th and the results will be in your favor. Luckily, all money talk ends November 14th because is anything more boring? No. Except for money diaries. Those are pretty funny. (Not mine. Mine was just scary.)
What else what else. Oh! You’ve got two planets in your house of fame and honors: Venus, “the planet that will keep you popular with the VIPs,” and Pluto. This combo is guaranteed to get you into the nightclub of your dreams and, per Suz, almost guarantee “a steady rise to the top for years ahead, provided you give all you have to your job.” You see?? That right there, baked into her positive prediction, is a reminder that the stars are just a guide! You have to really lead the way.
No compass? No worries. Per Suz, you will be kind of psychic this month. Listen to that small voice within your head because Winona Ryder wasn’t crazy when the lights started talking to her, now was she? Neither was my favorite ’80s band, Journey.
I can’t totally put my finger on what’s missing from this horoscope…love? No. (Although since Susan didn’t stress it, that means you shouldn’t, either.) OH! I know! It’s missing a Time.com turkey fact. “Modern commercial turkeys have increased from an average of 18 pounds in 1965 to nearly 30 pounds today — an increase of 57%. Domesticated turkeys are so heavy for their frames that they have chronic foot and leg problems, and they can’t run or fly. Wild turkeys can fly to up 55mph.”
Taurus
HEY BULLIES!!! Doesn’t our birthday feel like a long-ago dream and also like it literally just happened? Do you think that possibly, maybe, we are Westworld characters in fabulous Wild West-era costumes? Someone immediately talk to me about Evan Rachel Wood and her transformation from best movie ever Thirteen to other best movie ever even though no one cares about it as much as I do, Across the Universe, to dating Marilyn Manson, to now the best show ever? I never realized it before but here I am, world, an Evan Rachel Wood fan!
LET’S TALK ABOUT OUR STAR SIGN ANYWAY BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DIDN’T JUST COME HERE FOR MY WORLD-FAMOUS BRISKET!
We need to be choosey about what we attend this month, you guys, otherwise we’re going to burn out. Our careers will be strong (I am scared for the day that Susan tells us it’s kind of going down the drain for a minute because Leandra’s husband is also a Taurus, so she reads our ‘scopes too, so and if she sees that I’m going down the drain then she’s going to think I’m taking her with me and we have all seen The Ring. You do not want to pull that hair ball out of the tub.)
Let’s talk about love! “If you are married or dating seriously, you will have the edge [on holiday party season], for it appears you’ve plenty to talk about with your significant other, and planning for the future may be priority one.” So there you go, straight from the Susan Miller’s mouth: those who have already cuffed, whether this season or prior, are in planning mode. But also what she means is that if you have a significant other, drag them to every upcoming thing with you to A) talk to and B) so that you have an easy out by blaming him or her as the one who “has to get up early tomorrow and wants to go home.”
But listen, if you’re single, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to stand by the chip dip table for all of holiday season eternity and try to figure out when’s a good time to go the fuck home. Oh no. Neptune is casting “an enchanting spell in early November,” to which Susan continues on about by saying that there’s fairy dust in the air. It is either that or your roommate’s leftover unicorn costume’s glitter particles floating around. I’ll go with the former, especially since Venus creeped into the scene on November 1st which is going to take the brutal effort out of dating and just make everything feel really easy.
Almost done: there’s a full moon on November 14th in Taurus. It’s the only full moon of the year in our sign. SO LOVE ON IT. It’s going to help us progress in our efforts toward higher education or a niche area of expertise, giving an extra boost in that career jump I told you about (which starts on November 8th). I know you’re antsy to close out of this tab now so love you, bye.
WAIT. Your promised Time.com turkey fact! “Turkeys have also been bred to have abnormally large breasts to meet American customers’ taste for white meat. As a result, factory turkeys, most of which are Broad Breasted Whites, are unable to breed naturally, and female turkeys are all artificially inseminated.”
Gemini
Gemin-hi! Mars wants you to GTFO town on November 8th. It’s not personal, it’s celestial. And actually it really is just encouraging you to take a little mini vaycay, ay bay bay? (<-Top-Tier World’s Most Annoying Song.)
“Energetic Mars will be in what astrologers call ‘mutual reception’ with Uranus,” writes Susan Miller of two totally healthy, consenting planets. These two balls of fun will apparently have such deep tantric sex that they will begin to act like one another from November 8th through December 19th. This mirroring effect means they will be stronger than ever and support you like crazy. So the next time you go “ew” when your parents hint that you weren’t delivered by a stork, just remember that good things come from true love making. Am I fired yet? Not sure. But I do know that all of this planetary bow-chicka-yeah-yeah will “add brilliance” (Susan!) to your work and career and projects.
Then things will slow down! Get ready to put your chilling-hard pants on around November 14th. You can wear them all the way until Thanksgiving is over.
Everything is going to go your way on November 22nd, and since I’m over here delivering good news like UPS on Christmas day, Susan wants you to go shopping on the 26th. On the 29th, form a partnership but be deliberate about it. No beating around the bush, regardless of how you and your partner choose to trim (or not trim!) your galaxies.
Single Gemz: Jupiter is going to help you meet “substantial types” around November 14th, by the way. Just in time to field your family’s questions about exactly how single are you? “Substantial” is such a guaranteed-to-make-grandma-smile answer. Cheese!
Speaking of Thanksgiving dinner, by the way, do you know what time it is? Turkey fact city from Time.com! “The largest recorded turkey, according to a poultry specialist at the Texas Agricultural Extension Service, was raised in England and weighed in at a shocking 86 pounds. That’s about the size of a 7th grader.”
Cancer
Whoa there celestial Romeo, apparently you’re going to be in such a romantic mood that you’ll be distracted at work. That shit don’t fly here! Focus, break a glass ceiling or something and get your head back in the game. This team needs you! Heck, I need you! Oh whatever Ron Burgundy, you always were a romantic and I won’t be one to step in the way of love. Forget I said anything and run, wild and free, straight into the arms of your lover!!!
K.
You’re going to relax come the 14th — much needed, pal. Enjoy it. On the 22nd, you’re going to be focusing on your home, fluffing pillows, redecorating. Spray painting pumpkins with rose gold paint like you saw on Esty, probably. God I love this time of year.
November 25th is going to bring you lots of good fortune. That’s obviously right around Thanksgiving so you know what I’m going to say? Sounds like you’ll be rich in love. Awwwwwwwwww.
Ugh, typical (or not ugh because health is also wealth!): On November 29th it’s time to focus on your fitness. You have Saturn in your 6th house of actions and you don’t want to let that go to waste, because it’s going to be January 1st before you know it and then May and then June when you’re wondering why no one made you start working out early. Well here you go! Let’s go together. You can carry me because my kneecaps don’t bend in the early morning.
Would you look at that? Venus in your relationship sector from November 11th to December 7th, and you know what it is doing? Trying to get you to buy that ring and lock down that person of your d-r-e-a-m-z. Sorry if your November ‘scope sucked, I’ll make it up to you in December or bribe you with baby kittens.
Cool things about turkeys time, courtesy of Time.com (is your traffic spiking yet, Time.com???): “A baby turkey is called a poult.”
Leo
It’s going to be a highly productive month for you, according to Suz, and what I would like to know is, Can I have some? What is it with to-do lists that don’t get done?
Hey Jerry Seinfeld, get out of there, this is my show!
You should plan travel and anything annoying and logistical like that now, in other news, because Mercury is going to go retrograde, again, in December, because Mercury has more vacation days than another other planet or human in this whole entire world. All of your prepping and planning in life is going to coincide with one very busy work month, but then again, I guess that makes sense since you actually go to your job/class, since you are not a retrograding planet by the name of Mercury.
I don’t think you’d want to be mercury, though. You know? You get stuck in thermometers that go up people’s butts and everyone tells sushi lovers not to eat sushi because of you.
On November 9th, no matter how nose to the grind you plan on being, come up for air to focus on your best friend, soul mate, pet, partner or love mate. I know you’re super busy but they just need those check-ins like, “Hey bb girl, thinkin’ of u.” We all need that, okay? Just pop in to say hey! Only don’t do it 100 times a day because that’s excessive.
Then back at it with the white Vans, Daniel: On November 14th you’ll be overcome by your rising status at work. How cool is that? (So I went to your room and read your diary.) (That’s a Weezer lyric because this is my show. Here’s the link to “El Scorcho” if you’re nasty.) (Hillary? IS THAT YOU?)
Alright alright, almost done. The 29th will be great whether you’re single or attached. And if you are attached, Mars will “give you an edge.” IDK what that means but maybe it’s like, an edgy new haircut.
WHAM! Time for turkey facts. Per Time.com, “When a male turkey is strutting, the snood [scroll up to Scropio to see what a snood is, sucka!!!] engorges with blood and extends to hang down over the beak. The snood has no known function, according to the National Wild Turkey Association.”
Virgo
Get out your wig and either your faux or vintage fur shawl so long as there’s no creepy fox face on it because on November 11th, Venus is in Capricorn really upping your social life and prepping you for a particularly glamorous night. What will you wear, what will you WEAR? Maybe loafers? Yes, yes, don’t forget you can dress those up to the nines!
It’s a travel month for you. I know it’s sort of a travel month for everyone but it will feel so good to say to yourself while booking your ticket to wherever you want in the world, “It’s a travel month for me!” Then you can add, “Baby!” if you’re feeling a little bit sassy.
Susan wrote that November 13th will be “a good day to get in your car and go to the countryside,” which is such a nice idea but it’s also like, Susan, what is this, Downton Abbey? Maybe it is. You know I love a Maggie Smith and/or Lady Mary reference but that I’ve had a really hard time bringing up the show ever since — spoiler alert — the departure of my dearly beloved Matthew, and yes, I know that happened in what, like, season three? But I am holding this grudge!
You’ll certainly have gas money, that’s for sure. On November 22nd you’ve got Mercury, who will “make a decisive aspect to Jupiter” (the planet of good fortune — oh, and speaking of, have you read your own palm yet? WTF) in your house of earned income. So, yeah, hope you like things that are green and vintage presidential.
I’m talking about cash.
The new moon toward the end of the month (around the 23rd/24th/25th) means you’ve got a cozy focus on the home. Redecorating? Cool, tell me about it in the comments, because A) same and B) where do I store my shoes? Your ruler, Mercury (bless you, Virgo child, that must get old quickly) will retrograde on December 19th, which means it’s going to be annoying to shop then SO DO IT NOW. BUY YOUR SCONCES NOW!
Turkey fact tiempo! “Turkey sandwiches taste so excellent with potato chips inside of the sandwich.” Source: Me.
Libra
Hi Libra! You wouldn’t be-Libra how long these horoscopes took me to do and my editor/salad professional Leslie Price probably wants to kill me — hi Leslie! — but I have held in my pee for the past six signs so that I could just focus and get to the end, fingers running like a mad dash. I’m telling you that because we’re close, and also because if this feels frantic, it is, but so is life in the fast lane which you are LIVING, Nascar Nancy and Moonshine Michelle!
Frantic may have been the wrong word for you. Things are just happening, you know? Shit is going to be good? Truly! November is going to rule. Susan even wrote that life is looking rosey! (OR IS IT LOOKING ROSIE, IDK SAME THING.) You can thank Jupiter, planet of luck, Kel Mitchell and good fortune for that one. Jupiter’s got its eyes on you and its arm around your back until October 2017. Whoa, what will you be for Halloween?
Never mind that, celebrate! Travel this November! Throw out exclamation points with wild abandon as I am wont to do. Oh! You know what else you should do in early November — stress on that early: ask for a raise because the sun and Pluto are in contact which is going to help you out. Any lingering money issues will be resolved by November 14th, and Susan thinks you should check in with your sibling or best friend equivalent. Go ahead, give ’em a call. It’s the holladayz!
You’re going to shine in all categories related to work, money and communication, but we did not forget about love. No. I’ll tell you about that in two seconds, it’s just that it’s time for your Time.com Turkey fact! “Turkeys freak out in crowds. When they get spooked, they run for cover, an instinct that is useful in the wild, but works against them in pen conditions when they head to one place and pile up, smothering their neighbors that end up on the bottom.” That was a weird one, sorry. Scroll allll the way back up if you want to read all other 11 cool things about the big-ass bird you used to try to replicate by outlining your less-dexterous hand.
Now let’s end this on a high note: Mars, “the sexy energy planet,” will be in your true love sector from November 8th until December 19th. It might be one of your favorite months of the year for love, so get out there and mingle. Call up Fabio. I bet you he’d let you borrow his wind machine.
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarch Scorpio zodiac sticker.
