The nominations are in, and every single one of us is up for an award. Not a real one, of course (although I suppose that’s subjective), but according to the zodiac, all of us qualify for some of that sweet Academy recognition. As awards season crescendos to its natural climax with the Oscars, I took a peek under the hood of each major category and found that they carry the imprint of at least one of the 12 signs. So take your seat, denizens of the cosmos, and ready your face for a graciously surprised reaction shot, because you’re all worthy of an Academy Award.
And the winner is…
Aries: Best Short Film
Aries tend to come in hot and fizzle out quickly. It’s not that they are total dilettantes (although some of them are), it’s just that they are overrun with inspiration and can realistically only execute an estimated five percent of the ideas they have in their creative lives. That’s why they win the Oscar for Best Short Film, which nods to their tiny attention spans and bursts of artistic genius. It’s a uniquely Aries skill to pack more narrative excellence into 40 minutes than most can tease out of two hours, and they’re already mentally onto the next project (or at least the afterparty) by the time the Academy has a chance to play them off.
Taurus: Best Actor/Actress in a Supporting Role
You can always rely on a Taurus for support. They have some of the strongest constitutions in the cosmos, and their loyalty is without peer. While they don’t vibrate with that frenzied “look-at-me” energy of certain other signs (and I absolutely do mean Leo), they steal scenes in subtle ways. They’ve got gravitas and glamour for days, which translates through the screen as pure, bankable presence. It doesn’t matter how much they’re on camera; the impression they make tends to outlast generations. When the movie’s over, you’ll find yourself wondering, “Who was that?” And a Taurus will never tell you. That’s how they keep people asking.
Gemini: Best Original/Adapted Screenplay
One cannot dismiss the Gemini’s facility with language. These are the writers, the journalists, the witty dialogue crafters of the zodiac. They are represented by the twins because they are constantly in conversation, if not with others then with themselves. Functionally, it means that, even at rest, they are always metabolizing their experiences and observations into words and stories. It’s absolutely ironclad, then, that they must win Best Screenplay. It doesn’t matter whether the work is adapted or original, these natural mimics are as adept at creating from whole cloth as they are at storytelling across mediums. If it’s verbal, it’s automatically Geminian turf.
Cancer: Best Actor/Actress in a Leading Role
Cancers are underrated for how prestigious they are. Everyone knows the drama, the easy tears, the ever-present bag of granola because they just want to feed everyone they love. But these crabs are not aimless messes. In fact, they are ruthless survivalists forever in search of security (note the hard shell), and they like to WIN. And the highest possible honor for turning trauma into a devastating, iconic performance is the Best Actor/Actress Oscar. This wheat-chaff-separating milestone delivers A-list status and an attendant salary bump, which is the bare minimum required to calm the nerves of a Cancer. And it works — at least until they’re up for the next one.
Leo: Best Director
You might have thought that Leo would be a lock for Best Actor or Actress. This is because Leos are dramatic, attention-grabbing, charismatic, and every other adjective that means people can’t stop talking about them. Their talent for captivating an audience is real. But here’s the thing: film isn’t an actor’s medium; it belongs to the director. While it takes a zip code’s worth of talent to birth a feature film into existence, if there is one authorial signature on the final work, it’s the director’s. Artistically speaking, the director’s vision is the boss. And being the boss is Leo’s whole deal. But they might have given themselves a cameo anyway just in case…
Virgo: Best Film Editing
Of course Virgo wins a technical award like Best Film Editing. Their attention to detail and rugged perfectionism is well known throughout the land, especially by anyone who has ever worked with one. The very essence of editing is one of judgment, patience, precision and a superhuman tolerance for tedium. This is where the Virgo excels above all. It’s impossible not to fail their incredibly high standards (hence their reputation for being self-sacrificing), but they will not compromise, and any work under their careful stewardship will end up so close to perfect that it’ll look 100 percent to everyone else. Including the Academy.
Libra: Best Costume Design
Libras are aesthetic creatures, owing to the influence of their ruling planet, Venus. While she’s best known for wearing little more than a clamshell and a sea-swept hairstyle (pre-mermaid mermaid waves!), the world of fashion belongs to her. And fashion is just storytelling through clothes. (My story is about a very tired woman who won’t rely on caffeine as a point of pride.) The Oscar for Best Costume rewards films that weave their narrative through the characters’ clothes, and no one more than a Libra understands the potential impact of an outfit. Not only will they design something iconic, whose meaning transcends plot to become an enduring cultural symbol, but they’ll accept the statue in something fabulous.
Scorpio: Best Animated Feature Film
Scorpios are intensely, famously private. If they had it their way, you might only ever see their work and not them. That’s why they’re winning Best Animated Feature Film, an award given to movies whose visual landscape is fully created. Scorpios like to make behind the scenes, and in an animated film, the real world itself is out of frame. That unfettered freedom to manipulate what appears on screen is very seductive to the scorpion, who craves total control of everything they do (and potentially everything you do, too). The result? A gorgeous work that reflects the deep multitudes within them, potentially in a genre-bending way that appeals to all ages. Best part? They keep their anonymity when they need to leave the house.
Sagittarius: Best Foreign Language Film
As the sign of international travel and higher education, it’s a foregone conclusion that Sagittarius wins Best Foreign Language Film. Centaurs aren’t afraid of subtitles. They’re afraid of sitting down for upwards of three hours in a dark theater and learning nothing new they can show off later. Quel désastre! Sagittarius culture is all about letting their free-roaming minds catch on anything that fascinates them, and the more erudite and inaccessible, the better. It’s not snobbery that motivates them, though — they truly enjoy experiencing other cultures. That’s one way they prevent getting bored with their own.
Capricorn: Best Picture
Here we go. The final award of the night, the one that attracts the most fanfare and press, the crown jewel, the reason we stayed up this late, Best Picture. This is Capricorn’s sweet spot: the literal apex of achievement. Capricorn is the sign of prestige and fame, and while they tend to be shy (or at least introverted), they want their work to be the most talked about of the season. Best Picture is the superlative of superlatives, and Capricorn is the sign of hard work over time that leads to career-making heights. They aren’t looking for shortcuts to success — they are building a legacy.
Aquarius: Best Documentary
The zodiac’s resident activist loves a true story with a sharp point of view. That’s why Aquarians win Best Documentary, a format through which they express their complaints opinions through a multitude of voices, data they can manipulate however they want, and a ton of strategically placed B roll. It’s all on the up-and-up — a documentary is still a movie, after all — but its raison d’etre is advancing a particular agenda, which is the true star of the film. For Aquarians, that’s a two-and-a-half-hour tribute to them being right, which is enough honor without the award. But they’ll take the statue anyway.
Pisces: Best Original Score/Song
Pisces is all about the mood, baby, and you can’t set a mood without music. Pisces is one of most fluid and abstract signs of the zodiac, and their powers of intuition are otherworldly. This makes them uniquely qualified to interpret a film sonically, and make you feel its meaning even before you know it. The zodiac’s fish do not trade in realism. They’re sensitive visionaries haunted by worlds we cannot see, let alone visit. And that’s why they win Best Original Score or Song — because they can use music to draw the contours of an emotional landscape that would otherwise be imperceptible to the rest of us. And because of them, our hearts may bleed, too. Thank you.
Illustration by Allison Filice.