Long live the Texas tenet: “The Higher The Hair, The Closer to God.”
That’s gotta be written out somewhere in Peg Bundy’s personal Rules of Style book, does it not?
In fact, let me open it to Chapter One. Ah yes, there it is:
1) Always tease your crown. After all, you’re both the king and queen of the house.
2) Do less, physically. Sit on the couch, avoid cooking, relax. But do more, sartorially: bigger, louder, bolder. Should you have a moment’s hesitation in the mirror before you leave the house thanks to an annoying antiquated whisper, just add one thing in retaliation.
3) Even if it’s just for a moment, think about matching your earrings to your lipstick to your necklace to your nails. Think about making your Aperol Spritz-drinking grandma in Tampa, Florida proud. You don’t have to actually do it but aren’t outfit daydreams fun to participate in?
4) Definitely do more than just think about true capris and wallpaper florals. Like I would run and get a pair of calf-cropped pants right this instant (hasn’t Leandra been goading you in this direction for a while?).
5) Then see how much upholstery-inspired clothing you can find. Might be difficult but so many great things are.
6) Also, I’m not even sure that this is happening in the photo above, but remember that it’s totally a great idea to forgo a shirt and instead just button up a cardigan.
7) Bodysuits don’t actually have to snap under the crotch if you don’t want them to.
8) Bring back teal: an underserved, under-sung color. (Your call on moderation.)
9) Never ever for one second let anyone tell you that Jazzercise wasn’t the original athleisure.
10) Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t wear it to the mall, either.
11) When it comes to leotards, what you’re looking for is an equal hip-height to hair-height ratio.
12) And wear leopard. Leopard is always appropriate.
13) Sometimes it’s required.
14) Know that just as no man can tell you what to do just as no one person can tell you that a spoon isn’t a microphone.
15) Embrace your femininity and your sex appeal and your maternal instincts and your feminine power.
16) If anyone accuses you of not having balls, be sure to show them your earrings.
17) Remind anyone who questions you that you were into pink before pink became trendy.
18) Dress up even if you have nowhere to go. You’re the main occasion.
19) Claim the throne.
Feature photographs from “Married… with Children” FOX via Google Images.