We, as humans, were never intended to be in confined spaces with each other round the clock. It’s TOUGH. Complicated. Even if you love that person! But ~especially~ if you don’t.
So, if you’re one roommate’s-six-day-old-crusty-rice-pan away from developing an implacable eye twitch–or you’re still catching dirty looks for the faint, untraceable smell of cat urine in your living room (tried to clean it, couldn’t find it)–allow me to suggest six quick tips ‘n’ tricks to bring that fire–that SPICE–back into your relationship. Because lord knows we need it!
*cackles, sips Campari spritz*
1. Try New Positions
Time to switch it up!!! Have you been spending too much time sitting at the kitchen table? Has your roommate laid claim to the far corner of the couch, the one that catches perfect afternoon sunlight? Maybe ask them to sit in the reclining chair, for once, Jan, so you can occupy that sun-drenched corner for a day. The novelty of your locations will inspire all kinds of new sensations. Hot hot hot!
2. Take an Ice Cube and…
Add it to their favorite cocktail (alc or non-alc, babe)! If you don’t know what their favorite cocktail is because you have not, before this moment, taken the time to get to know anything about them at all, just make an educated guess and fix up a quick Appletini and deliver it to their door at 5 p.m. on a Thursday. In the words of Taylor Swift…Sparks [will] Fly.
3. Get Into Role Play!
So weird that the greasy pan your roommate used to fry an egg four days ago is still sitting on the stovetop! How about some steamy roleplay? Offer to switch roles one night and launch into a passive-aggressive tirade, but for yourself! “I can’t believe I’ve left this dirty pan here for several days even though my roommate has needed it! Wow, the disrespect. I should really clean this and apologize to them!”
4. Watch Something Steamy Together
Haven’t shared your TV in a while? Why not suggest watching a *hot* cohabitation classic like The Odd Couple or Phantom Thread or Misery together? Hunker down on the couch and feel the tension get so thick you could hobble it with a sledgehammer!
5. Light a Candle…
After you, y’know, occupy the bathroom. Since you now have the requisite post-coffee BM slotted in the calendar for ~10 a.m. every day, surprise your roommate for once with a sensual act of kindness: sparing them from your scents.
6. Send a Provocative Text
Go ahead and send it: “When do you think you’re going to…”
…I’ll let you do the rest.
Feature photos by Louisiana Mei Gelpi.