As someone who obsessively scrolls astrology memes and awaits Amber Kahn’s monthly readings with more anticipation than that of an expectant mother at 39 weeks, I have come to believe that the stars can tell us basically anything. This might be disputed by those who don’t believe in the cosmos and/or the truth (ahem, Haley Nahman), but it’s been suggested on our very own Man Repeller that the zodiac can tell you what creative outlet suits you best, the fate of your career and how you handle stress — so take that, naysayers.
Naturally then, today’s astrology content comes in the form of which jeans I believe are best suited for which sign. Whether you take this as a serious suggestion or not is up to you, but don’t say I didn’t try to help you! If nothing else, perhaps my prescription can serve as an insight into yourself. A denim reading, if you will. Buckle up, buttercups.
Aries: The Button Fly
Not only are Aries super direct, they are also in.ten.tion.al. Is there a more intentional jean than the kind with a button fly? Each nimble fastening of button through hole says, “Yes. I made a choice about the pants I put on today, and I am sticking with it.” And can we just talk about the fact that Aries are also both patient AND confident? I don’t know if you’ve ever worn button-fly jeans, but to forego the snappy fastening of a zip-fly requires a patience I (as a Gemini) am not imbued with, and a confidence in my fingers that I don’t always possess.
Taurus: Boyfriend Jeans
Taurus is the sensualist and wants for little more than to feel good. I may write this as a Gemini, but I have a whole bunch of Taurus alllllll over my chart, so trust that I know what I’m talking about. Boyfriend jeans are “couch-session friendly” (a phrase used by professional Taurus Nora Taylor) and have that casual “yes, why I have been wearing these for ages” vibe — satisfying the Taurus urge for stability.
I proclaim jorts as the jeans of choice for Geminis, because they are versatile and allow us to get creative with our denim styling all year round, which makes living in the liminal space of indecision without feeling pressure to do otherwise a breeze. Also they are literally breezy, just like we are (air signs, amirite?!). What they potentially lack in pocket space (to hold our infinite stores of information) they make up for in allowing us to look as thotty as like we like.
Cancer: Mom Jeans
I wanna curl up into a little ball next to all the cancers I know and have them stroke my head because they’re so dang nurturing. And what kind of jeans would they be wearing in this fantasy of mine? Mom jeans, which clearly convey “I’ve mastered emotional sensitivity” better than any other jean on the market, IMO. This pick is all about a synchronicity in regards to name but the 90s fit and feel are a bonus.
What better garment for the risk-taker of the astrology bunch than the jeans in which you take many a risk by wearing them? Super distressed denims come with such risks as: potentially turning pants into jorts each time you pull a leg on and potentially exposing a whole gam as opposed to only the very calculated middle third as you actually intended. It helps that these things are still all over social media too — any opportunity to flex for the gram is one any Leo will take.
Denim trousers are casual but still about their fucking business, just like a Virgo is wont to be. Tell me another pant-cut that conveys “thoughtful yet judgmental” more than the denim trouser and I’ll eat my jorts.
You guys. What are culottes doing? They’re flared but also cropped and also kind of look like a skirt. Not many signs have the patience or desire to figure out how to handle such confusing jeans, but they’re pretty perfect for the diplomatic yet prone to indecision Libra. No need to make up your mind when your pants are doing so much all at once! That they provide the opportunity to come up with charming sartorial solutions is a bonus for this sign that really gets off on being able to flex its ability to juggle many things at once.
Scorpio: Vintage Levi’s
The best jeans for Scorpios are the ones that are defined by the length of time they’ve been in a collection. The longer the better, which is why I say vintage Levi’s are ideal for the sign who really can’t let shit go. (← Bet I’ll be hearing about how I wrote that from every Scorpio in my life until I die.)
Sagittarius: Acid Wash
Philosophical Sag is all about expanding that mind but is also known to display some… extremist tendencies. Is there a more extreme denim style than the very metal (🤘🏾) acid wash? These jeans might not be anyone’s first choice but wait until you try getting lost in the swirls of their distressing while pondering the meaning of life. Bonus: Rocking acid wash jeans > an actual acid trip.
Capricorn: Raw Denim
I bet you thought Caps were gonna get trouser jeans because they’re all business, but nope. That would be too obvious. Instead, I recommend Caps rock the jeans that are most reflective of their ~potential~: Dark, raw denim. The kind of stiff jeans that require some serious dedication to wearing in. These jeans are a bit stubborn at first but with the right kind of love and attention can be truly marvelous just like my Capricorn sistren. So I hear.
“I hate being confined, but I like to think of the straps here less as the kinds that hold me in and more as seat belts in the spaceship I’ll be flying to my home planet ASAP.” Such is the way an Aquarius would apply their inventive and original thinking to the act of wearing overalls, which are clearly the best jeans for the sign with the superlative “Most Likely To Feel Like An Alien.”
I bet there’s no sign that loves 90s nostalgia more than escapist-ass Pisces. They know that life is all a dream, so why not dream of younger, sadder, more emo days and then reflect that dream through denim choices, which, for Pisces, should really be flare leg all the way? What better denim to wear as you weep with tender joy re-living your middle school days? Pair with lots of black eyeliner and wax poetic about how no one gets you. Life may be a jagged little pill, but with flares and Alanis Morisette you can make it through.
Illustrations by Allison Filice.