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Does Carrie Bradshaw Write for theSkimm?

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The great philosopher Carrie Bradshaw was famous for posing rhetorical questions to her readers that didn’t always make sense. For example: “What comes first, the chicken, the relationship or the sex?”

Carrie, maybe you should have first asked: “When did we introduce chicken into the bedroom in the first place?”

And: “Is that safe?”

But she didn’t ask. She moved on with her thoughts, as writers tend to do, enjoying the swirly loop of her own brains-to-words on paper. Which is fine. It didn’t make her any less prolific, prophetic or smart and, in fact, it worked! She kept us coming back for more.

…Oddly suspicious, though, isn’t it, that theSkimm does a similar thing.

TheSkimm — just in case you don’t know — is a daily newsletter that breaks down timely current events and tells you the main takeaways. It’s very helpful, informative and digestible. I am a fan. However, in its efforts to hook bleary morning eyes, its headlines act like they’re going to offer advice…

And then they don’t. Not really. They carry on with the news. Which is why you sign up for the newsletter. But!!! Sometimes I’m left sitting there in bed feeling really caught-up on the world but no more educated on “what to say when a co-worker runs into a glass wall” (actual headline) than I am about, say, chicken erotica.

Carrie Bradshaw, if you’re reading this. I know theSkimm is you. I see the logo’s shoes. So for old time’s sake, I went ahead and left off where you didn’t finish.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE IS STILL HUNGOVER FROM THE WEEKEND…
“Elizabeth Holmes is having a worse Monday than you.” (TheSkimm, July 11, 2016)

OR you could say:

Drink Pedialyte.
I’ve been there.
I know, I can still smell you.
Did you throw up at work?
Did your boss notice?

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR CO-WORKER RUNS INTO A GLASS WALL…
Pikachu is not in this meeting.” (TheSkimm, July 11, 2016)

OR you could say:

I always do that at my aunt and uncle’s in Florida, it sucks.
Let’s put a sticker on the door so that doesn’t happen to anyone else.
Your poor nose! Is it broken?
I heard about that!!! Dan told me, so funny. Sad I missed it.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO KEEPS GOING ON BAD DATES…
“Sorry you’re feeling deflated.” (TheSkimm, July 14, 2016)

OR you could say:

Get off Tinder.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU NEED A SHOWER…
“This won’t help.” (TheSkimm, July 17, 2016)

OR you could say:

Mehhhhhh….it can wait.
I guess I’ll take that shower now.
Can I borrow your razor?
Maybe I’ll take a bath instead.
In which case, may I borrow your onion?

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU SLIP THROUGH THE SUBWAY DOORS JUST AS THEY’RE CLOSING…”
“Winning.” (TheSkimm, July 18, 2016)

OR you could say:

TOLD YOU CATS HAVE NINE LIVES.
Like a NINJA!
Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman…

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR FRIEND ASKS YOU TO TEXT HER WHEN YOU GET HOME…
“Over the weekend, Ryan Lochte and three teammates were robbed at gunpoint in Rio.” (TheSkimm, August 15, 2016)

OR you could say:

I’m home!
Did I leave my wallet at your place?
You’ve been watching Stranger Things, huh?

WHAT TO SAY SAY WHEN YOUR FRIEND TEXTS YOU ‘NICE SHIRT YOU’RE WEARING TODAY’…
“I always feel like somebody’s watching me.” (TheSkimm, August 18, 2016)

OR you could say:

Thank you!
But you didn’t like my Instagram?

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU HAVE NO CASH AND THE RESTAURANT DOESN’T TAKE CARDS…
“Well sh*t.” (TheSkimm, August 23, 2016)

OR you could say:

Look over there! *Run*

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT SNOOPING ON YOUR NEIGHBOR’S MAIL…
“Not a good look.” (TheSkimm, August 24, 2016)

OR you could say:

I’m so sorry, this is insanely awkward and embarrassing to admit, but my letter from Hogwarts hasn’t come in yet and I’m really worried that they have the wrong address.

I was just leaving you a ransom note!

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR PARANOID FRIEND WHO WON’T GIVE YOU HER IPHONE PASSWORD…
“You have an update to make.” (TheSkimm, August 26, 2016)

OR you could say:

Please! I want to watch my ex’s Snap story but don’t want him to know that I watched it.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR VEGETARIAN ROOMMATE ORDERS A HAMBURGER…
“Did I hear that right?” (TheSkimm, August 25, 2016)

OR you could say:

I was thinking of getting the chicken.

Feature illustration by Lily Ross.

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Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

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