You know that advice about writing an angry letter to whoever you’re mad at and then never sending it so you can get all your feelings out and finally move on with your life? I’ve been in the early stages of said practice for years now: I have a list on my iPhone of all the people and things I’m still kind of mad at. Just the names. It’s travelled from phone to phone via the Cloud as I continue to avoid confrontation with those unresolved feelings. I routinely forget about the note’s existence until I have a new name to add.
Since today happens to be the last official day of Honesty Month on Man Repeller, I decided there is no time like the present to finally pen my kinda angry, never-to-be-sent commentary so I can move onward, upward and finally delete this note off my phone instead of the hundreds of pictures that are actually taking up all my storage. So here it is in all it’s glory: nine people who I will allegedly no longer be mildly mad at by the time you reach the end of this post.
Why: For assisting in the destruction of the amazingness that was B2K.
How long I’ve been kinda mad, give or take: Since 2003, so only 15 years
Let me explain: “Bump, Bump, Bump” and “Uh Huh” still get decent air time on my TBT playlist, and it pains me to think of what else B2K had in store for us post-You Got Served. Instead, we are left with Omarion singing about how he’s “got this icebox (????)” where his heart used to be. Same, guy. Same.
2. Belle’s Dad in Beauty and Beast (the animated one)
Why: For not listening to Phillipe and using common ass sense to go down the normal, not at all ominous-looking path in the fork in the road, you FOOL!
How long I’ve been mad, give or take: At least 22 years
Let me explain: I know everything turns out happily ever after in the end and Maurice hooks up with Mrs. Potts or whatever, but every time I dodge a pile of horse poop near Central Park or hear the clip-clop of hooves hauling humans, I can’t help but think of the immense emotional distress Philippe went through, all because Belle’s effing dad couldn’t get his shit together.
Why: For telling me to change my Bee Gees cover photo that one time.
How long I’ve been mad, give or take: Since September 25, 2016
Let me explain: First of all, how dare you? This is what I’m into at the moment! Secondly, if you’re so concerned with the timeliness of this photo, FB, I believe you’re about 37 years too late.
4. Whoever green-lit the American version of Skins
Why: Exactly. WHY MTV, WHY?!
How long I’ve been kinda mad, give or take: Since 2011
Let me explain: MTV tried to “remake” the UK’s Skins, sometimes shot-for-shot, while the UK’s Skins was still happening. Why would I want to watch an accentless knockoff of the show I already know, I already love, and I am ALREADY WATCHING, because it still exists? I don’t know and neither did anyone else because it was put down after one season.
5. Kimberly Hart (the Pink Power Ranger)
Why: For keeping the skirt on her uniform/not helping Trini find a yellow one. Take your pick.
How long I’ve been kinda mad, give or take: Since some time in 1994
Let me explain: I identified more with Trini during my Mighty Morphin’ phase and it always rubbed me the wrong way that Kimberly got a skirt on her uniform. What was Trini?! Chopped liver?! Yes, I later learned that the American actors weren’t even the ones pwning putties and doing all the combat fighting, that it was just voice-over set to footage shot in Japan so the pink individual was most likely the only girl ranger in that original series and they decided to make the yellow ranger a girl for the American adaptation which is actually great but still problematic if you really think about all the color assignments. But still.
6. The Charmin Bears (specifically the red ones, AKA the Ultra Strong Family)
Why: For consistently over-explaining how toilet paper affects butts in graphic detail. I GET IT.
How long I’ve been kinda mad, give or take: 2-3 years
Let me explain: It started innocently enough: cute, animated brown bears taking dumps on skinnier-than-average trees. Then somewhere along the way, things escalated. The butts got bigger, the trees skinnier, the bears took on bright primary-colors, became three dimensional and learned how to talk along the way.
These new developments and storylines only drew more attention to the same thing: a graphic showcase of the family’s penchant for sweeping and vacuuming leftover specks of toilet paper off each others’ butts. Thankfully, I no longer have cable so I’m only reminded of the Ultra Strongs when I restock my bathroom with more Charmin (Ultra Soft, aka the blue bear fam, thank you very much).
7. Ashley Kerwin on Degrassi
Why: For trying to sabotage Jimmy Brooks’ budding rap career.
How long I’ve been kinda mad, give or take: Since October 19, 2007 (Happy belated 10-year anniversary!)
Let me explain: For the uninitiated: In season 7, Drake Jimmy tries to help his girlfriend Ashley restart her music career since her ex, Craig, is now “making it” in the music world by totally jacking one of her songs. Anyway, Ashley decides to perform at the talent show but everyone kinda hates her snoozy stage presence, so Drake Jimmy comes out on stage to save the day by rapping over her track. Only problem is, he’s good. Like, Young Money good. So good that the guy from Radio Free Roscoe hooks them up with an A&R guy who wants a demo.
Ashley, feeling overshadowed by Drake Jimmy, straight up DELETES his track from the demo before sending it in. I’m mostly over this one since Drake is now Drake, but I can’t help but think of her when I hear “Started from the Bottom” or “No New Friends,” you know what I mean?
Why: For taking away the Crispy Chicken Salad
How long I’ve been kinda mad, give or take: Since 2004
Let me explain: I spent my high school years in Fresno, California and one of the few joys I had in life was hitting up Chili’s with my friends before going to the movies for the 20th weekend in a row or seeing another mediocre local band. My go-to was the Crispy Chicken Salad which had it all: Delicious Crispy Chicken on top of some Salad (with a tangy dressing, some crunchy water chestnuts and protein-packed edamame sprinkled throughout), Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt, until one day, I opened the menu and it was nowhere to be found. It was forever replaced with some other salad with chicken on it that wasn’t nearly as crispy and also had shredded cheese.
9. Gus Gus in Cinderella (the animated one)
Why: For favoring an extra kernel of corn over the safety of his friends.
How long I’ve been kinda mad, give or take: Roughly 23 years
Let me explain: Are you serious, dude? Sneaking past Lucifer is NO time be greedy. This was life or death, yet Gus Gus couldn’t be content with his SEVEN kernels of corn. We all know he wasn’t planning on sharing the corn he scored with the other helpful, Project Runway-worthy mice. I’m a middle child and this still makes me want to roll my eyes up and out of my head.
Wow, I feel lighter already. Feel free to unload your own notes below!
Photo by George Pimentel/WireImage via Getty Images.