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24 Deep Thoughts About the Third Presidential Debate 2016

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This final presidential debate was my favorite kind of TV episode. Clearly, in the producers’ room, everyone decided to give up and regurgitate old plot lines under the guise of nostalgic retrospection, then fill in any gaping holes with guest cameos from other seasons — or entire shows altogether, for virality’s sake.

The election is just three weeks away, so it makes sense that writers of this new Bravo series are tired. They have been furiously scribbling arguments for their characters for months. Scripted reality television is hard work; these people are just doing their jobs. And don’t forget: Depending upon who wins Biggliest President 2016, these people may not even have jobs anymore. So enjoy your stories while you can.

And yeah, I know “Reality TV” isn’t real. That doesn’t mean I can’t have deep thoughts about it.

1. I am so glad that they brought back the Making a Murderer lawyer who the internet wrote sexual fan fiction about to moderate this final debate. Dean Strang, well done, nice to see you again, you’ve got this.

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2. I would not want to go on live television after Michelle Obama shut it down. That’s worse than giving a presentation right after the person in front of you tears up her note cards and speaks from the heart!

3. Listen, Trump, politics aside (lol), I have your best interests at heart when I say this: RUN. Not for president. Run in general. You came for Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on live television. She may not “be partisan,” but she does not play. Careful, is all.

4. Something you have to respect about both candidates is that neither of them seem to get pimples in the middle of their face before important public events.

5. I am wondering if maybe no one knows that you can just search for borders on the internet and they pop right up? They are also free, so what’s everyone complaining about.

6. Actually, if you’ve ever had someone text you from a smart phone asking for the address of a restaurant then you know that people hate doing research. Well Hillary is sick and tired of you asking what the cross street is again! “Google ‘Donald Trump Iraq,'” she told us. Yeesh, sorry.

7. When are they going to do the flashback to when Teresa flipped the table?

8. My roommate just asked me what I was writing and I was like“An important debate-related story, you man. Don’t interrupt or belittle me.” Then I finished flipping through my Nancy Meyers thesaurus to best-describe the color of Hillary Clinton’s suit: Eggshell. Bone. Pale Caucasian. Ecru…

9. Do you ever feel like everyone says Putin’s last name a little bit wrong?

10. I’m an idiot. I just realized this was an episode of Westworld which explains all of the rhetorical loops.

11. This debate recap is really hard. The jokes gave me handouts and wrote themselves the last two times. WTF.

Oh, wait, got one: “Nobody respects women more than I do.” — Donald Trump.

12. No flies, no men in half-zip cable knit sweaters, no new facial expressions to turn into fresh GIFs. If you have a meme account are you just napping right now?

13. Trump called the recently-released job reports “anemic” and both candidates went on and on about Russian spies. As someone who is both anemic and a quarter Russian, I am going to be offended. I just decided.

14. The self-restraint Hillary must channel in order to not do Kip from Napoleon Dynamite’s “Yess” each time she slices through facts like she’s fanning out stacks of paper napkins at a club is remarkable.

15. “Fitness 2 B President,” the title of one of last night’s debate topics, is also my new favorite workout right now. It’s expensive and really hard to get into the classes but the results are worth it and they have cute tank tops for sale in the lobby.

16. Even Donald seemed kind of bored by the email thing tonight, huh?

17. Do you know that I didn’t even blink when Donald Trump said “bad hombres”? That is because I am emotionally numb, dead inside and thought he was quoting Anchorman.

18. Am I allowed to make a joke about how Russia sounds like that house with the good snacks because they have so many Warheads? Or am I not allowed to? Is that because it’s not funny, Amelia, or because sour candy sucks?

19. Did you laugh at that pun, though?

20. Let me answer the existential question of the evening: we are ALL the puppets at this point. Especially with Chris Wallace moderating up there, looking like Dean Strang, tugging at confused heart strings.

21. The debate icon on Twitter looks like a toilet.

22. Foreign hot spots sound expensive. I’m already over my data.

23. If this were a town hall format like the last Real Housewives Reunion then I would 100% tweet in a question regarding a policy that I would like addressed immediately: Swipe versus Insert Chip. Inefficient bullshit. If time is money and you’re wondering where all of yours has gone, well, there you go. Please don’t blame healthcare, taxes or immigrants for what the Debit Card Board of Directors did and cannot get the fuck together.

24. Trump may not accept the results of the election because he prefers the “element of surprise.” The man knows good television, if nothing else. If literally nothing else. Sigh. Okay. As they say in scripted reality TV show business:

To be continued.

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

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