For the same reasons that I delay writing my best friends back after they send those rare novel-length “catch up” emails to fill me in on every single missed life detail, I could not discuss the Thom Browne show because there was just so much to process. I needed to savor it piece by piece. Like string cheese.
Now some untimely amount of weeks later, I am ready. The gravity of what happened during the premier of Browne’s Spring 2017 collection has settled in my lap, cozy and warm, and it is looking up on me with giant, heavy-lidded eyes. “Are you ready to talk about it yet?”
AM I EVER!
Well for starters, Whoopi Goldberg was there.
Everyone kept asking me how my fashion week went and I was like, please do not ask me, ask my good friend Whoopi Goldberg who didn’t just attend Thom Browne, Hood by Air, J.Crew and Marc Jacobs, but also walked in Opening Ceremony’s show, wore a Vetements hoodie on The View and then launched her own holiday knitwear label, okay? So my fashion week was fine, thanks for checking, but I really think you need to redirect that question to the main event.
Anyway so she was there, front row and center as they say in cliché, to watch the Thom Browne show undress. Act one featured models in giant rain coats and shower caps with oversize beach bags in 1960s floral prints.
Then a woman in a dog disco ball hat strolled on down the runway, cueing everyone to remove a layer.
(Moment to pause and pay respect to the flat-lay sequins on that one-sleeved seersucker suit/dress.)
K so once they took their shower coats off, the models revealed country club suits underneath. Except they weren’t suits. They were all dresses with piping that tricked you into thinking they were suits. Thom Browne is, as Joanne would say…
A scammer of the absolute best kind. I love when clothes trick me, because things can get really boring otherwise.
Once I processed the breakdown of the dresses that you thought were cardigans/blouses/knits tied around the waist/skirts/neck ties and bow ties, I had to take a full week to circle back to the fact that some of the models walked on SAILBOATS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT SAILBOAT HEELS ARE?
There were also anchors and whales, which should not be minimized, but the second I saw those I had a one-track mind like a four-year-old who spotted a train or a cow from the backseat of his parent’s car: SAILBOAT. SAILBOAT. SAILBOAT.
^ I needed that distraction. Attn: The Thom Browne for Vineyard Vines whale is back! Thank god, honestly, because I am sick and tired of all other sunglasses that aren’t these or the angel fish. (See slide 15.)
Now that I’ve had a min to breathe, let’s revisit the shoes. Because. The shoes didn’t match colors, big whoop, welcome to kindergarten. The shoes didn’t match, like, shoe styles.
This is amazing! This is the shoe equivalent of a one-sleeved top in that they are perfect if you don’t know if you’re cold or hot. Or if you messed up the pedicure on one foot but not the other. You know how that sometimes happens? Two different styles of shoes that don’t alter how you walk (need to be same height) dares people to say something to you. I dare you to say, “Hey, do you know your shoes are–”
“Thom Browne? Uh, yeah. Obviously.”
Let’s fast-forward past the dog bags because we’re all busy. Do you know what happened after it was decided that everyone had seen enough of the proper collection?
A FUCKING SEXY-SONGED DISCO HAPPENED.
The models unzipped their dresses to reveal striped swimsuits, and MEN DRESSED AS BIRDS COLLECTED THEIR BELONGINGS. (10:20)
Honestly, you guys, I think I am still going through it. Meet you in the comments to further unpack this lovely Slim Aarons-LSD-trip of a suitcase. Whoopi, are you coming?
Feature photos via Getty Images; runway photos via Vogue Runway.