No one needs to panic about this because everything is fine, but I’m out of dry shampoo.
I’m out of the good dry shampoo, the medium-okay and the bad dry shampoo that smells like a Gummy Bear had a seizure in a bowl of fruit punch, which I tried once then threw in my closet and loaned to friends when they came over because I am a terrible person.
A terrible person with crap karma, greasy hair and apparently awful hygiene.
JUST GET IN THE SHOWER.
I know, I know! But first I’d better have a look in the mirror to confirm that a ponytail doesn’t fix this situation. Nope. It does not. It looks like slick tracks have been seared into the sides of my head and above my ears. Am I bald there? And on top of my scalp it’s oddly smooth. This would have been the ponytail of my pulled-tight-no-bump child-of-the-90s dreams back in youth, but today it is my nightmare and I am reminded, once again, that I am neither Alicia Keys nor Blake Lively.
Damn celebrities and their bullshit tight ponytails.
Half up, half down? No. I look like a WWE-ready Jared Leto.
JUST GET IN THE–
Shower, shower. I said I know! I can’t, though. I mean, I can get in the shower and do a fast body wash (which I did yesterday morning, self. See? I am not so gross.) but there’s not enough time right now for me to get in there and really let my hair down.
In order for me to tackle this very serious problem at hand I would have to do a majority of the following:
– Change out of my clothes
– Find a playlist
– Probably re-boot the internet to play the playlist
– Turn the water on so that the shower gets hot
– Stand naked on the bathroom floor’s cold tiles and regret every life decision ever while wondering when I got that bruise and if I ever gave my friend her favorite pen back
– Get in, adjust water from scalding to freezing to deal-able without cursing
– Not move
– Ten minutes later, begin to shampoo
– Rinse, repeat, sob (soap in eye)
– Condition, which takes at least five minutes for my straw to soak up the bullshit and slowly de-tangle
– Rinse again because I’m paranoid about getting it all the way out
– Figure: since I’m in here, I might as well shave
– Then rinse off, exit and be faced with the worst conundrum of all: what to do once it’s wet?
So I’m better off just skipping all of that, I’m pretty sure. I’ll wear a hat or a bun or a paper bag or a face mask. And then tonight, I swear, I’ll wash my hair.