From tantric sex to the pre-Tyra smize, Sting has always been ahead of trends. His Police-backed song “Every Breath You Take” may have masqueraded as a stalker’s love ballad but it also predicted the rise of targeted social media ads. It’s true. “Every move you make, I’ll be watching you” might have fallen from the lips of our flexible, high cheek-boned musician, but make no mistake: the lyrics were meant to represent the future of advertising. Brainwashing gone digital. Rumor has it that Sting had this vision of our present day reality during a brief moment of Nirvana achievement, and now that his predictions have come true…
I wonder what these targeted ads say about you.
The Ridiculous Pair of Shoes That Follow You Like That Annoying Guy Who You Accidentally Winked at in the Bar
You know your shopping budget — especially this month after that weird night — and yet you couldn’t help but click on those 7-inch clodhoppers that will still cost more than a flight to France once they go on sale (if they ever do). But they are so beautiful and strange, you reasoned. Couldn’t I just put them in my cart? Couldn’t I math-hack my way out of them? What harm could it do to click and see size and availability?
No harm at all, so long as you don’t mind a casual forever-haunting.
The Random Ass Cruise That Literally Attacked Your Browser Out of Nowhere
You googled “Piña Colada recipe; extra strong” once and the Internet made steel drum vacation assumptions about you.
That Fast Fashion Online Shop Where You Waste All of Your Money
These online shops are like the cigarettes of e-commerce. You swear you’ll quit. You’re embarrassed to be seen scrolling through “new arrivals” and when caught, you click out faster than if your boss busted you watching turkey porn. But you can’t help it, can you? You cannot control yourself around the lure of a $20 going-out outfit no matter how much you believe in sustainability and neither can I.
This shop knows that. Like a terrible ex, it will lure you back.
“Hey,” it “texts” at 3 a.m. on the right side of your Facebook, just under the birthdays. “You up?”
The Stupid Ugly Dress That You Didn’t Mean to Click
You’re a bridesmaid in a party that has been given free rein to choose your dress so long as you stick to a particular length and color. You feel like you’ve been looking for The One for weeks to no avail. Now the date’s getting closer and the bride’s getting frustrated, so you keep clicking on totally-not-your-type losers out of desperation. And for what?
Some dress that you know you’ll eventually ghost.
Detox Teas and Sketchy Diet Protein Even Though You Prefer for Your Calories to Either Taste Good or Like Alcohol
Your morning routine consists of a finger-tap workout to the tune of Transformation Tuesdays and Kayla Itsines’ before/after hashtag rabbit hole.
Flight Deals Even Though You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere
You’re spontaneous and easily click-baited, further drawn-in by the fantasy of quitting your job and buying a one-way ticket to Bali, just like that Pinterest quote you have saved on your phone encourages.
Hot Singles in Your Area…
You needed a date to the aforementioned wedding and got curious for like, a minute, OKAY?!
Those Flash Sale Websites That Trick You Into Strange Panics
“OH MY GOD, WHAT IF THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE FOR LUXURY TEETH WHITENING, INCLUDING MOLARS” isn’t an exclamation that you’re proud of, but it’s one you shouted at your own computer despite no one being around. You can’t help but be drawn in by the attainable aspirations of it all: white teeth, a new couch, a polo lesson — and yet you know better. You know that you’re the rightful owner of twenty unused pottery making class lessons, five weird cooking knives you don’t know how to use and a set of rodeo belts with switchable buckles, and so you don’t need to check out the hair treatment they’re offering…but…maybe just a little peek?
See? You’re sucked back in.
Empty Promises of Lax Wealth: “Make Money Just By Watching These Videos!”
These ads don’t follow you around because you’re lacking money, they follow you around because at some point you googled, “I don’t want to job anymore.” And it wasn’t a query so much as it was a sad statement. Sigh. These ads linger below most “About Us” tabs and tease all who enter: “This could be us, but you workin’.”
Those Blatant Hi, We’re The Government and We’re Tracking You Ads
The Truman Show has officially arrived.
Illustrations by Emily Zirimis.
