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New and Improved United Airlines Perks!

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Dear valued customers,

The United Airlines vision is more than just words on paper. It’s people. Every day, we help pinch the corners of the world together like calzone dough by connecting you to the moments that matter most (for reference please see the opening sequence of Love Actually). This shared purpose drives us to be the best airline for our employees, customers and the sunsets you Instagram from your seat.

From the fertile ground to the cumulus clouds, we hold ourselves to the highest standards. We earn trust by doing things the “cool mom” and “chill girl” way and delivering on our commitments every hour of every day, unless it’s kind of windy or looks like it might rain.

That’s why when you tweet, we listen. After months of deliberation and days of global outcry, we are pleased to announce a fun & flirty distraction: the rollout of our new elite customer offering, Mega-Elite Luxury Woo-Woo. Mega-Elite Luxury Woo-Woo is designed to make your travel experience more luxurious and less abusive than ever before.

Travel management and reward redemption tools are available to you through the United app, making it easy for you to manage your profile, view travel and perks redemption activity, send selfies to cute passengers, request upgrades at your convenience and avoid painful altercations with viral meme potential. Best of all, the more you travel, the more you earn — as long as you keep your credit card on file and sign the e-waiver for automatic perk reloads!

See below for our Mega-Elite Luxury Woo-Woo perks offering* with full cost breakdown based upon simple trickle-down economic principles and basic PR cleanup costs:

Complimentary access to special red-carpet boarding lane with VIP signage

$10 Access to Words With Friends during takeoff and landing

$15 Pocket-warmed cashews (dependent upon availability and flight route)

$25 In-flight internet (the good kind, though, with streaming and everything)

$250 Upgrade to king-sized reclining nap pod with 0 semen stains

$350 Special horn music and a sparkly, gold-bead-curtained doorway through which you will priority deplane.

$500 Our we-won’t-lose-your-luggage-after-we-make-you-check-it-at-the-gate-even-though-you-packed-a-carry-on-for-a-reason guarantee!

*Rules and regulations may apply. Mega-Elite Luxury Woo-Woo status does not guarantee your seat as paid for. Not available on most flights. Rewards subject to change without prior notice.

Photos via Getty Images and iStock; collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.

Harling Ross

Harling is a writer and was most recently the Brand Director at Man Repeller.

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