Sunglasses are superior accessories. They make you look cool(er). They allow you to avoid eye contact and stare at strangers. They mask Drunk Face from camera flashes in the nighttime, morning-after Hangover Face in the daytime and they also love to hang out on your head (cute!). They don’t just help you hide and cover, however. They offer a first-impression introduction to your personality. As the owner of five too many pairs of sunglasses in varying shapes, I’m convinced that the style of frame you most-frequently choose to cover almost a third of your face with undoubtedly says something about you. For example…
You’re a confident BAMF with an impressive air of intrigue. Are you extremely hungover? An undercover celebrity on a bodega run? An actual pilot? The former Vice President of the United States? All of the above!? Nobody knows, but I do know “I’m On a Boat” would still be your personal anthem if you hadn’t completely forgotten about it and T-Pain until reading this very sentence.
You were an enabler of that let’s-all-wear-glasses-with-clear-non-prescription-lenses phase and are completely on board with stranger-on-stranger eye contact so I have nothing else to say to you.
You have a flair for drama, but the classy, cinematic kind where you slowly lower your sunglasses to the crook of your nose to look directly into the eyes of the imbecile who just said something in a failed attempt to insult you — not the Ramona Singer kind where you repeatedly yell “I CAN’T!!!!” You’d excel at crafting a capsule wardrobe because you’re practiced in tip-toeing around trend traps, you’re no stranger to a quality eyebrow raise and you’re probably really good at winking, too.
You like to live on the edge because sharp, pointy things are your cup of tea and living like you only live once is equally edgy. You probably looked at the eclipse sans proper eye protection and, you know what, you’re okay with that. You’re also very of-the-moment due to your membership in a burgeoning Instagram style club. In fact, why not go ahead and pull the trigger on that pair of board shorts before it’s officially fall, A.K.A., time to go full on The Matrix and pair your extremely small sunglasses with extremely long coats?
You, my friend, are truly enlightened because you’ve decided face shape is nothing but a construct. No matter how big or small your round frames are, they look exactly how they’re meant to look. You’re zen, you’re chill and, like your frame of choice, centered. Here, have some Yoko tweets.
You utilitarian, you! Whether your wayfarers are the free kind with the neon colored bands or classic Ray-Bans that cost actual money, your brain is able to comprehend that sunglasses are for when the sun is out and these get the job done. Wayfarers were “a thing” in the ’50s, the ’80s and the ’00s, so they’re sure as hell going to be a thing in the 2030s. Investing in a pair is the logical thing to do. It means you’re covered until the sun decides to explode. Next!
You are cute but deadly, like one of these eight animals I just searched on Google. You are a modern-day Lolita (in the style-aesthetic-of-the-movie-poster way, not in the literal literary way). You are the Heart Eyes Emoji with a side of Lana Del Rey. Marina and the Diamonds is your soundtrack. You think lipgloss is still the shit. You took full advantage of this summer’s gingham trend. You are eating a lollipop or drinking from a bendy straw right this instant.
You’re deeper than most people think. Really reflective sunglasses force those looking at you to really look at themselves, pushing them to truly reflect while you literally reflect their reflection back onto them. I can only imagine what unholy sunglasses inception takes place when you begin conversing with a fellow wearer of really reflective sunglasses because my mind is already blown.
…That or you really love attending music festivals, own a pair of turntables and/or have a real knack for taking those sunglasses reflection selfies (teach me your ways).
You have a blatant disregard for optical health and probably run into both people and things on a regular basis. Get it together.
Got it? Good. (Ya look good, too.) Post your proof of sunglass personality in the comments below!
Illustrations by @CrayolaMode.