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It would seem that we are in a crisis. I don’t think I need to spell it out, but I understand if you might expect a few links to some articles related to how we all feel about it, what the issues are, and where the discourse is right now.
Life will probably continue to serve up crises, in different shapes and sizes, as it always has. What follows is a sweet little zodiac compatibility analysis for every sign. Who you are under duress is not who you are in peacetime. As the conditions change, what we need from our partners changes, too.
Who you are in a crisis: Aries likes to fight through pain. The way you manage external threats is by taming them into submission with your brute strength. This allows you a reprieve from your fear, which is a hard feeling for Aries to sit with. You’re pumping iron. You’re machete-ing your way through a to-do list. You’ve donned several wigs. You’re writing hilarious characters for each bewigged persona, all of whom will perform in a virtual revue. (Which you’re also hosting.) You’re alive, goddamnit.
Most compatible with: Gemini. You need a freaky pixie whose brain can metabolize your energy and feed you with new facts, angles, and analyses. A Gemini can function as your outsourced frontal lobe, all while your id takes the wheel. But instead of slowing you down, your Gemini can help focus you—ironic, because they often cannot focus themselves—and help you shift into a more productive and sustainable path forward.
Least compatible with: Taurus. You don’t need that “stay in bed until 2:30 p.m., light 32 ylang ylang candles, eat creamy foods, and swaddle yourself in soft fabrics” agenda. To them, it’s a nourishing return to life’s simple pleasures; to you, it’s giving up.
Who you are in a crisis: The days are short, not long. Before you know it, it’s 11:00 p.m., and you only masturbated once. You’re cooking. Your meals are well spiced. Your pajamas are luxe. You’re not showering that often, but you don’t smell bad. You miss your friends and would pay $4,000 to be touched by human hands. The home office is elegant, and when you step away, you’re not at work.
Most compatible with: Another Taurus. Two cozy bulls right now would just be more of a good thing. And in a crisis, “you can’t have too much of that,” you say with a mouthful of hazelnut chocolate spread (not Nutella—some private-label bougie decadence that only you know about).
Least compatible with: Aquarius. Now is not the time for you to tax yourself by interacting with a cold, abstract genius. You’re trying to find your balance on earth; they are trying to colonize outer space.
Who you are in a crisis: You’ve already cycled through a few identities. Ironically bad chef, pretty good bread baker, Twitter scold, Instagram poet, master sexter, push-up queen, early bird, night owl, and so on. As the most mutable of mutable signs, no one is better at change than you, which doesn’t mean you don’t feel the heartbreak of parting with old ways of life (along with the old selves who lived them). But you know you preserve more of yourself by adapting than resisting. Therein is the key to your survival.
Most compatible with: Sagittarius. The philosopher-kings of the zodiac can supply much-needed wisdom. Some feel their way through a crisis, but the centaur’s scholarship and compelling, dialectical approach will animate your inner student, feeding your brain new perspectives that enable you to make sense of this crisis—even if you can’t transcend it.
Least compatible with: Capricorn. They see your meandering curiosities as a waste of precious mental resources. You see their advice (which you will not take) as the most arduous to-do list in the world.
Who you are in a crisis: No one knows, because you are often hiding. Whether physically or mentally (usually both), you need to retreat when the heat is on. But when you’re on, you’ve got a brave face, you’re full of life, and you’re orchestrating really well-run video parties to celebrate your friends and family. You’re also baking a lot and sending 20 percent of what you make to your loved ones—who are very, very lucky to have you at this time.
Most compatible with: Capricorn. They make you feel safe, because they are able to prioritize survival and fun accordingly. They are the most trustworthy people in the world, which is helpful when the outside world is so threatening. Plus, they have a real knack for growing basil, which is a key ingredient in your homemade tomato basil sauce.
Least compatible with: Gemini. When you ask them what’s up, you get multiple paragraphs detailing an extremely personal anecdote and two links to Atlantic articles. We’re just not there yet, Gemini. Boundaries!
Who you are in a crisis: You learned all the TikTok dances. (You probably created a few.) If anything, you’re wearing more lipstick now. And although it may mortify your family, you’re completely unbothered by how embarrassed everyone is, as you swan around the house in the literal gowns you’ve found in the back of your closet.
Most compatible with: Aries. They’re the only ones who get your need for attention and validation right now. The two of you can form a closed loop of mutual admiration and hyping each other up, which can last you months before you’ll need to seek other sources. Months.
Least compatible with: Virgo. They keep going on about what an “appropriate” amount of time is between when you dirty a dish and clean it, and their “jokes” always feel like low-key roasts. The only articles they share are depressing ones. (They would rightly argue that that’s 98 percent of articles right now.)
Who you are in a crisis: Smug. Everyone’s a Virgo in a pandemic, and while you’re glad to see so many converts to the Church of Hand Sanitizer, they are doing it all wrong. You don’t expect perfection, but you know what six feet looks like, and you won’t tolerate compromises. Virgos know they are bodies who must submit to the physical realities of the world. Disease is a fact; the virus doesn’t care that you really, really want to see your friends right now. Virgos are right.
Most compatible with: Cancer. Together, you form an orchestra of broad disapproval, tsk-tsking the neighbors standing too close to each other, criticizing the administration’s slow and inadequate response to the crisis, railing against rich people who hoard toilet paper. Under normal circumstances, complaining would make you happy. Now, it’s an essential practice.
Least compatible with: Leo. They Zoombomb your meetings with no pants on, and they don’t intend to stop.
Who you are in a crisis: Productive, but beating yourself up for not being more productive. You’re getting good at yoga. You’re writing a pilot. You constantly ask your friends for the hot gossip, even though there is none at this time! You got that good hand sanitizer that doesn’t dry out your hands. Erotica is really important these days. You need to be touched soon.
Most compatible with: Taurus. They are feeding your body with delicious, well-spiced, homemade meals, and an enveloping warmth. You delight them with your resilient sense of purpose and optimism. Also, you’re both sexy.
Least compatible with: Scorpio. Their intense moods linger in rooms after they’ve left, and you’re running out of sage. They play songs on repeat you wouldn’t listen to once. Your cry schedules are completely off.
Who you are in a crisis: Long phone calls. You turn your camera off for video meetings. You’re delivering extra masks and hand sanitizer to those who need it. You’re home, but you miss home. While you’re known for strength and resilience, what it looks like in a crisis is much smaller. It’s incremental steps, getting out of bed when you feel like hiding under the covers forever. Feeling hurt by something your mom said, but calling her anyway. You’re often painted as this fearsome superhero black-magic witch—and you probably are, who’s to say—but you’re also very much a human being who is listening and responding to the world as honestly as you possibly can.
Most compatible with: Virgo. They are trying their best (always!). Their thoughtfulness and sweet gestures—like making you eggs in a basket for breakfast on Saturday morning—makes you feel safe and loved and protected. Most important, Virgos aren’t silly dumbasses, like everyone else.
Least compatible with: Sagittarius. Silly dumbasses.
Who you are in a crisis: Facilitating discourse in group threads, emceeing family video chats, performing funny little songs on Instagram Live. The way out of a crisis is up, and you never lose your sense of hope and purpose, even when the facts on the ground look grim. You will make it through because you believe it.
Most compatible with: Leo. They are still fun, even during a global catastrophe, and your life will never feel empty when they are in it. You’re both clowns, which means neither of you bear the sole burden of keeping your spirits up.
Least compatible with: Pisces. You’re a clown; Pisces is a sad clown. You’re improvising new choreography to “Make ‘Em Laugh,” while they’re drinking wine in a bathtub, contemplating the ennui of existence. Two talented storytellers working in opposite genres.
Who you are in a crisis: You’re surprisingly texty. You’re keeping it together but you feel crumbly inside. (It’s relatable, and people need to see it!) You have touched base with family, inner circle, reading group, co-workers, old bosses, and even your high school teacher, and you may or may not have created a calendar of outreach to help you manage it. You are happiest when you can sit, uninterrupted, with a book.
Most compatible with: Pisces. They are actually grateful for your sense of structure and sound advice. They soften you in a way no one else could.
Least compatible with: Aries. They don’t like being told what to do, but you have no shortage of things to tell them. They love interrupting you when you’re reading. They like that it makes you mad, because that makes them horny. But it actually makes you mad.
Who you are in a crisis: You’re returning more texts these days… at least, you thought you returned them. (A few of them.) You miss sex, but isolation isn’t that bad. You go for long walks at odd hours. You block off hours on your calendar to sit and think your thoughts. You’re re-watching and re-reading things you already know you love. You’re wondering why everyone’s talking about sweatpants when you’re into bike shorts right now. Some days you’re amazing at Twitter.
Most compatible with: Libra. They’re the only ones who can satisfy your taste for beauty, romance, and sweetness while stimulating your mind with all the right opinions on art and politics.
Least compatible with: Another Aquarius. Two self-contained little aliens. They acknowledge each other and wave peacefully. Then they retreat to their respective planets, unchanged.
Who you are in a crisis: Feeding others your homemade bread before you feed yourself. Leaving audio diaries (they are just voicemails!) on your friend’s phones when they don’t pick up. Getting really into turmeric right now. Thinking about moving. Disappearing from social media but still using it to send memes. You make the best ones.
Most compatible with: Scorpio. You’re completely on each other’s schedule when it comes to being cozy, horny, hungry, sad, happy, social, reclusive, etc. They can weather your moods because they’ve got the moods themselves.
Least compatible with: Libra. Their brand of cheerfulness reads as insincerity (it’s not!), and you can tell they are hiding how scared they really feel (they are!). You feel better when you wear your wounds on the surface and connect with people at their most vulnerable. For Libra, they feel better with lipstick and yoga.
Graphic by Lorenza Centi.