I AM SHOUTING BECAUSE IT IS RAINING, AND IF THE NOTEBOOK TAUGHT ME ANYTHING, IT’S THAT SHOUTING IN THE RAIN IS MORE ROMANTIC THAN NOT. BESIDES, I WOULD ASSUME, SINCE THEY’RE SO FAR AWAY, IT’S EASIER FOR THE PLANETS TO HEAR ME THIS WAY. AS SUCH, IT IS MY PLEASURE TO SHOUT-NOUNCE THAT THANKS TO SUSAN MILLER’S ASTROLOGY ZONE, YOUR APRIL HOROSCOPES ARE HERE.
Pisces
*Gives what is supposed to be an inconspicuous thumbs-up to the waiter even though everyone at the table just saw it and turned around to see.*
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR PISCES, WHOSE BIRTHDAY MONTH GOT OVERLOOKED LAST MONTH DUE TO MY HUMAN ERROR, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
Squishy fishy, let’s dive right into the deep end with our rain boots on, shall we?
Money will feel annoying this month, and you can blame Mercury retrograde on it. Then you can exhale an underwater bubble of relief knowing that Mercury goes direct on the 15th.
“Publishing and broadcasting opportunities (including internet),” per Suz, will bound into your living room beginning on the 18th. If you’ve been feeling like your creativity is also retrograde lately, it, too, will go direct around this time and flood your brain with new ideas. As for love, RIGHT NOW IS THE TIME!!! You’re a regular swimming one-woman cupid magnet from now until the 24th. Pucker up those lips! Oh right, they already are. You’re a celestial fish!
Aries
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ARIES!!!!!!!!! Here’s a video that will either give you nightmares or make your day. Hoping it’s the latter, whether or not you’re a horse-person-Aries like my dear friend Yennie (thus making you a celestial ram who’s a horse fan, which is so fun to think about). But TBD until tonight, I guess! Or tomorrow morning, depending on when ya wake up:
Now the real gift: your ‘scope! Your career is “blossoming beautifully,” per Suzatron, and like a book that you’re making float via telekenesis, Susan wants you to maintain eye contact even if it’s already in the air.
Think methodically and act cautiously this month, at least until Mercury’s out of retrograde on the 15th. Around this same date, the limelight is going to shine down on your stage. Step into it.
The end of the month is your romantic season kickoff, so gather the team ’round and make sure everyone knows their roles: Is your wing woman at the ready? Is your significant other adequately prepped with lubricating oils? I’m not sure what else is on your “fun and romance” list, reader’s choice here, but I just want to make sure you’re prepared. Don’t forget the cherry on top! (It’s for the romance — and your birthday sundae.)
Taurus
If you, like me, are a Taurus, now would be a great time to cut the crap and put down the last three bites of that elephant-forearm-sized Reese’s “Reester Bunny” from your Easter basket and save room for next month’s birthday cake, because we Tauri celebrate birthday month (unconfirmed sweeping generalization I made based on myself) and we can’t go into it with a sugar hangover!
Love is electric this month, so don’t go overboard, warns Suz; I wonder if that’s been the cause of my zapping every human being this winter? As we sky bulls get the itch to travel, we should also be aware that until Mercury GTFOs of the Retrograde Resort and Spa, we have to be hyper-careful to over-communicate and read between lines.
Commitments in love and business will be made toward the end of the month. April 7th, 12th, 17th and 24th, however, are the best days to pass your number along with your compliments to the chef.
Huh! Before you go, I wonder if Susan Miller reads MR: “It’s also a good time to address…any habit you’d like to change and be free of from now on.”
Gemini
GEMIN-HI how ya doin? Great! You’re spending the first half of the month getting organized, which doesn’t sound too bad. In fact, it sounds an awful lot like a great habit that I’d love to rub off on me by way of osmosis.
Your bank account, health and seat will get a boost this month. LMK what it’s like to be able to see over the person in front of you at the movie theater!
Here’s a fun one Suz hasn’t said in a while: If you’ve been thinking about making friends, April 15th is a great date to join a club, start volunteering (Suz’s suggestion that I second!), take up a hobby or walk up to someone and ask who their favorite character is from The Breakfast Club.
At the end of the month, you’ll start to turn your mingling practice to that of the romantic variety. Maybe you and your new friends will go out and meet some more new friends. You can call it what you want to, but my favorite way to describe such a gathering is a party!
Cancer
Hey pinchey butt! Suz says you’re looking for a new place to live right now. Let me know how the nesting goes, and if you need any apartment inspiration, here you are. Susan thinks a partner may get a little cranky during this time, and we can probably all just agree to blame Mercury, BUT that doesn’t mean defeat: Hear your person out. Over-communicating during Mercury in retrograde helps.
On the 15th, you’ll get famous at work for your good work, not your unique photocopying skills (ahem). With Venus in Taurus until the 24th, you’ll be meeting people and lucky in love. If you’re innuendo-minded like I am, you may have read that sentence like, “Venus IN Taurus,” and then you may have thought “until the 24th?” and as such, you may still be reeling; that’s a long time for a single act of copulation! Still, I wouldn’t compare your sex life to that of the planets. Their concept of time is different than ours.
Also, though this word is always a combination of its literal meaning and a potential business metaphor, you may get married! I’ll throw the rice at you — the kind that doesn’t hurt birds’ bellies.
Leo
Hey kitten! Susan says it’s “time to expand your horizons and leave town.” Don’t think she’s kicking you out, of course, I just think she’s thinking there’s more waiting for you outside your front door. (And “leave town” can be metaphorical, of course.)
Work may be a little tricky this month due to lack-of-staff issues, but it will only make you stronger. You’ll get through it. And don’t forget: Mercury’s in retrograde, so over-communicate!
Everything swings into gear after the 15th: work, back-to-school-plans (dealer’s choice), home repairs, presentations for a project you’ve been working on, a new apartment.
And at the end of the month, a little baby bud will begin to open that promises May is a month of LOVE. You just wait.
Meow!
Virgo
Boring stuff first, Virgo-gurt with Manuka honey on top, then the fun: The first half of April is (no shit because of tax season, I suppose) about getting your finances in order. There’s a low chance of getting hit with a bill you forgot about (those shoes that just shipped, maybe) and a high chance you get hit with a fresh burst of money wind out of nowhere. Let’s assume it will be the latter. And if you do receive some “unpredictable news” of the non-“YOU JUST WON THE LOTTERY” variety, Susan says it will be the last of the financial surprises. “You are well on your way to a new life, dear Virgo.” She wrote that and I just retyped it!
Your communication-based creativity will bubble up around the 24th. Thank Venus for that, as she’s on vacation in Taurus. Also because of that, April will be a very nice month INDEED for love — April 10th especially, but again on the 12th and 23rd. I know, you and I both miss Uranus jokes. But the planet of butts will be back soon. Until then, let’s enjoy this lovely ride, shall we?
I am always writing “shall” in horoscopes! It overcomes me.
You’re due for a trip the last weekend of April. See if you can play hooky and extend the weekend by a day on the 29th. The planets will be on your side. See if they can stay on your team for intramural volleyball season!
Libra
You’ll be Libra-ing on your diplomatic skills this month, according to Suz (pun mine) (if the pun doesn’t make sense, that’s meant to be you’ll be leaning on your diplomatic skills this month), as a few disagreements — nothing big! — may “greet you” (go the fuck away!) (also I forgot how to spell greet — it looks so wrong, I just had to Google-search it to be sure and still, not so sure) at the front door. Don’t let this worry you; simply go slow, remember we’re still in a retrograde, and talk it out. Over-communicating will save your sanity right now, even though it’s so annoying to repeat yourself.
On the 15th, post-retrograde, it’s looking like you’re zoomed up to enter some sort of partnership commitment with a certain someone special in your life. The 23rd, meanwhile, is a prime time to sign a contract.
NO WORRIES IF YOU’RE FALLING ASLEEP. I AM TOO, SO LET’S TALK PARTYING AND LOVE: From the 24th until May 19th, you’re going to have a Month of You. Humans of all sorts will flock to woo you, befriend you, dance with you, stand on top of heads with you. Enjoy it. Wear a crown, throw a shindig and eat tacos for breakfast!
Scorpio
Scorpio, when I started this horoscope fiesta, the rain was pouring. And now, the sun is shining. If that isn’t a reminder to look on the bright side even when your butt hurts from sitting too much, then I don’t know what is. April sounds just a bit annoying for most other signs, but Susan thinks you’ll have a really nice time. “You will have enough planets in the perfect position to help you, sometimes in the eleventh hour.” (My hour of choice, personally. Nice ‘n’ stressful.)
She does, however, think you should consider taking a break soon. Can you? Easier said than done, but maybe you can shake it like a lamb’s tail for your sanity. Move slowly at the start of this month, too. Says Suz, “Don’t let anyone rush you.”
You may be sent down a new and exciting career path on the 15th, so just keep your eyes up for that fun. Before that, the 12th, you have a real sparkler of a romantic night in store. And on the 29th, something you’ve been working on forever will come to fruition. Maybe it will be, in fact, fruit-related, in which case for ONCE that word can take on its own too-good-to-be-true-but-when-does-it-happen pun.
Sagittarius
Alright half-horses, four-hooved friends, part equines, part who’s-gonna-tell-me-what-we’re-having-for-dinner: Susan’s being a little vague here, but sounds like an event in March has left you feeling a bit more strapped for cash than normal. But that’s okay! You’ll get through it. Money doesn’t grow on trees, but hay makes for a great lunch and a bale to sit on, so to speak/neigh. You’ll be able to Venmo everyone back soon enough.
Also, here’s something: “If you feel that you are spending too much time backtracking to fix present projects that you assumed were done, blame Mercury in retrograde.” By the second half of April, you’ll feel like you’re moving forward again.
You know what else is happening the second half of April? Your creativity. Through the damn roof! Your work will bring in the money, and the money will bring in the Manuka honey, literally or metaphorically depending on how you take your tea/what you care to use as a face mask.
Capricorn
Hi, celestial mermaid goat beauty pal! Seems like you got offered — or will be offered — a new job or promotion, which is amazing given the responsibility and all that you’ve been seeking to sink your brand-new teeth into (do celestial mermaid goats like paper as much as land goats do?), but you may be unsure as to whether or not it’s the right path for you. Susan Miller wants you to take your time!!!
By April 15th, after the retrograde, you’ll know. Sort of like you know when you need to stop on a long drive versus when you can hold it. Isn’t the human/goat-mermaid body magic?
The moon on April 15th will shine light on your home and family, which may help you make the decision. Meanwhile, ROMANCE and a wonderful accidental double-entendre of a sentence! “Romance will be special while Venus glides through Taurus, from April 1 to April 24. Certain days stand out: April 7, 10, and 12, when you will be covered with sparkling star dust.” Even if this made no sense, I think I’m gonna end it there. What better note to conclude a ‘scope on? Lube, sparkle dust, love?? It’s all sorts of perfect, if you ask me.
Aquarius
CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THE SUN IS SHINING AS I WRITE THIS? Sure hope it’s beaming as you read it, and if it’s not, never fear: Here’s how to look cool in rain boots, and here are a few outfit ideas to try that aren’t jeans and a sweater. Normally, I wrap these ‘scopes at 3 a.m. so for me, the fact that I can see daylight at all is a big old whammy. Let’s focus so we can all go out and jump in puddles.
“Changes are afoot in your life,” Full Throttle Susan (that’s a new one!) tells me/us/you, really. Susan seems to think, by way of her hints, that this change is positive and job-related. She spews two pieces of oddly specific advice, so I feel like I better copy/paste them both:
“Be careful about what you post on all your social media venues, because as you go through your various interviews, you will be judged by prospective employers by all that you write.”
And one I’ve never heard: “Have a friend call to pretend you are applying for a job at your friend’s company to find out what your references are saying about you.”
Use your best judgment. Nothing like a string-cheesed-together series of thoughts for a blurb that’s intended to dictate the course of your month, eh? What else? You’ll be one of Venus’ favorites come the end of April. Yes, that means the season of love is coming. Be patient until May; for now, let’s go for a walk outside, regardless of the weather!
